I hate it when I have SO much to say. Who wants to read a really long blog? Not me. I love the person, but wrap it up already, hehe. So I pray this isn't too, too long. :)
GOD IS SO AMAZING. See, I could stop there. But... for the sake of glorifying Him, I won't...
I got to come home for Christmas. It was such an amazing miracle- God basically showed me that He will send support from area's and people I would NEVER have imagined. He roused the heart and mind of an 'ex' enemy to buy me a plane ticket home. At first, I didn't even trust it- but God spoke and all was well. So cool... Hallelujah! It has been so sweet, my mom and step dad are both here from the Netherlands and I haven't had a holiday with both of them in I don't know how many years.
Home is a trip. The first couple of days I couldn't even unwind- it was like I still had the mentality that 'if I sit still too long it will cost me.' Ah, the ever stressful weight of homework... just...gone. Weird. It has flown by and I am headed back to school in two days- but I have been handling some business and dealing with some old demons. Try going to the IRS office the last week of the year, not fun- only to be told there is no one who can help you working and have to come back... on the very last day of the year!! Oh, Lord have mercy.
I have been dealing with some brokenness. At first I thought it was great to be home and then I wondered if it was the best thing, actually. It's easy to slip into old behaviors, old patterns. I can do it anywhere, it is a heart issue- but being home with all of the old fixes readily available makes it easier to fail. I have had some failures. Whether others realize it or not, I have. I know I have and God knows I have. I wonder how I can be so conflicted inside- how I can be this totally committed mission minded sold out lover of Jesus Christ and a rotten minded, lover of the flesh, lazy fool at the same time. Last night I went to bed wondering what is seriously wrong with me. I've been asking Him for quite some time to help me in my struggles, to reveal to me how to go about changing. School is so intense that it hasn't healed me of any of my wounds, it makes me seek the old fixes to deal with it. Baaaad mindset. You can't 'be good enough' you can't 'fight hard enough' to ignore brokenness. It is there, around every corner until you call it by name, look it in the eye and address it. Period. End of story- there are no short cuts to healing or deliverance. So last night, I felt so empty. I felt like, 'how am I supposed to go and tell others? Be used, when I feel so distant from You, God?' He has been with me. He has done miraculous things- but like drugs- when you first get a fix of Him, it's such a high- then with time it takes more and more of Him to reach that same high. Soon, if you are not completely plugged into the source you won't get the high. You just go through the motions of using- without the same results.
This morning I had a dream. It was so brief and so complete.
A skinny homeless woman was walking across the back yard here at home. She was 'cutting through'. She walked confidently- but like she knew what she was doing was wrong. I was so irritated at the injustice, my first instinct was to call the police and let her face the consequences of her choice. Justice.
She had a brown sweatshirt with a quilt patterned Mickey Mouse head on it with frayed ears. I asked God, "What does it mean, Lord? What does it symbolize?"
DISCONTENTMENT.
Everything in that moment was clear in my soul. (It doesn't have to make sense to you, the dream was for me.) Her sin- what she knowingly did in the wrong- was from her discontentment. She acted out of that place of brokenness instead of being content and doing things right. She took a detour, a short cut.
She was me.
The Mickey Mouse head represented Disneyland. The perfect place (to me), always wanting to be there, to escape. To be someplace other than where I am. It's all me. Discontent. Sinning out of that discontentment. Justice is what was required but mercy was given. I felt so much grace, so much forgiveness. I have been asking and asking God what was so wrong with me- I knew it was something- and I didn't know how to focus on what could change it... now I do. Here is my prayer from my journal this morning...sin aside.
God, Daddy...thank You SO MUCH for Your mercy. Thank You for showing me where I am broken. I have been wondering and struggling so greatly. I was afraid this sin was my thorn- I am so grateful that You have revealed to me the source of my sin. I'm not crazy or bad. I'm discontent. I know now how great a problem this is- and I will work on it. Change me. Holy Spirit. Reveal to me when I am acting out of discontentment and ...oh...I'm so excited!! This changes everything. EVERYTHING!! Complaining, flexibility... I could not be more grateful this morning- more humbled- more restored.
God has spared me justice and granted me mercy. I am so unworthy of Your love, God. I am so unworthy of your grace. Last night I was so lost, disconnected, and this morning- by Your Provision and grace; with one swift movement of a dream- You reveal my brokenness and aim for fixing it.
I'm going back to school with a new perspective. This quarter has to be different. Please pray for us, as our Joy has been opposed. Our Sabbaths have been robbed, and I HAVE to learn how to get my ipod to work w/ my new itunes account so I can WORSHIP MY SOCKS OFF!!! I need it!!! Also for financial support. Second quarter fees are due upon my return and I am still in need of about $1200. I trust Him. He did, after all, rouse the heart and mind of an ex enemy- what might He do through those I am blessed to be loved by?
I love you guys, I appreciate you.
Father bless my friends, bless all who read these words. May Your Spirit reveal to theirs what you would have them know thru them. Glorify thy name, Lord...please... receive Your glory. ICJN.
