Hello, Friends.
How many times I have wanted to write...but I have not been able to 'psych' myself up for it.
As many of you know, I have not been well. I completely lost the month of June. I appreciate all of your thoughts and prayers and humbly ask you to continue in them!
So many people have messaged me and asked...'what exactly happened?' so maybe I will just start with that.
On May 27th I got a migraine. It did not leave. I had nausea and vomiting. The stress of everything (illness on top of life, the stress of finishing the school year with SBS, outreach planning, etc.) caused an adrenal crash (when your adrenal glands say, 'enough! we quit!') and my thyroid hit a low. The result of all of this is being weak, unable to perform simple duties, and about a month of staring at the ceiling from bed. It feels as though someone has plugged you into an electrical outlet and there is a current flowing through you that leaves you weak and trembling. I could not eat normally.
I went to the Ophthalmologist (omgosh that is the first time I have actually spelled that word right without spell check!) and the very day I met her she diagnosed me with 'flat angle glaucoma' and punched holes in my iris' with a laser so they would drain properly. (Not draining properly had allowed fluid to build on the optical nerves causing my constant headaches.) This surgery helped with the headaches, nausea, and vomiting. I still could not eat.
I asked the doctor what the deal with food was... I mean... I love food. I don't have issues eating for the very most part. She said it was most likely related to stress. I was so frustrated. I had already been relieved of all of my duties at work- was laying in bed most of the day. I could not imagine what else I could "DO" to avoid stress. Well... you can't. "In this world you will have trouble..."
I sent out distress calls to my prayer team. I prayed all the prayers I know how to pray. It has been humbling and my time to suffer.
Hearing that-I am positive- some of you think, "Why??? Why do we have to suffer?" and TRUST ME... I have had all those conversations with God in this last several weeks myself. Romans 5:3-5 says that 'suffering produces endurance and endurance- character. Character produces hope which does not disappoint us; because God has poured out His love into our hearts by His Holy Spirit." The interesting thing is as I was having the "Whyyyy, Lord??" conversation He told me directly that He was teaching me to endure. "Why? Why do I have to learn to endure?" I pleaded like a clueless child. "So that when trials come they won't take it out of you." Humpf. Just a day or two later, I read this scripture in Romans. God is so good to reiterate for me.
So I was emailing my Doctor in Ca., was blessed to be connected to a new Counselor in Ca...and started planning the trip home. (India outreach was cancelled as a result of 3 things; Visa problems, total lack of funds, and obviously my health.) I still struggled to eat.
I lost 15 lbs. and freaked out a wee bit. Enough!! Have you ever forced yourself to eat when you just...couldn't? It ain't easy, folks. But I prayed, "God... enough. Something has to give with this eating thing." I dropped to 100lbs. I'm not cool with that. I DON'T know why it didn't occur to me before- but I remembered the prayer about disarming and dismantling agreements that you make in your mind. (For example: when you argue with someone and the enemy whispers, "He's such a jerk. He always does that." and you think, "Yeah! He IS a jerk!! He DOES always do that!!" and then you let those thoughts become a stronghold and truth in your mind and you live your life according to that false truth.) So, I prayed... "Lord, I thank you for food. I love food! I come against the agreement that I have made in my mind that I can't eat. I disarm and dismantle that lie in the name of Jesus Christ. Holy Spirit I pray that you will come and fill me with Truth. That I love food, your will is for me to eat, I am created to eat normally." I decided to fix breakfast in the morning- I was excited about it. (I had been drinking Ensure.) I woke up SO HUNGRY at 5:20am. I had to eat some almonds just to go back to sleep. Then I woke up, fixed breakfast, and ate half of it! MIRACLE, PEOPLE. I have had a bit of trouble eating the last couple of days, but I have had a couple of really stressful days, so I know now that it definitely is a trigger for me.
I am sleeping fairly normally- thanks to the prayers of an absolute stranger who intercedes for me daily in this way. Bless you, Kelly.
I am working on Medical bills now... ah, travel insurance. Blood work, eye surgery, emergency rooms, Doctor fees, and one ambulance ride. Good times. Well let me be honest, I am slooowly working on them. Days I feel good- I do. (stress, vicious cycle!)
I have started with a new Counselor and praise God she has jumped right into tangible things I can actually DO to address stress and my outta control anxiety. ( I will write more on that in hopes of blessing others.)
I had a slew of labs drawn just yesterday so I await the results on how to move forward with hormones, thyroid, you name it.
You know... I don't write all of this for a 'woe is me...' or 'poor Leah.' response. Hey, I hope you think 'poor, Leah!' its been rough!! hehe... but honestly... as awful as it has been; and I do pray it ends soooooon!!! I am grateful.
I am grateful for the perspective adjustment I have had.
-I pray for the suffering regularly now.
I am grateful for the reminder of how for granted we take our health.
-When I feel 'good' now, I get this glimpse of a normal life and am so so so grateful.
I am grateful for the help of a Counselor, who is wiser than me in these ways.
I am grateful for food like you would not believe.
-When I eat I am always, always, careful to thank God and for the nourishment it brings.
I am grateful for those who have so intentionally loved and prayed for me during this struggle.
-I seriously asked God to just 'take me home' it's been so hard. Prayer has brought me through.
I am grateful that you are reading this right now- and that maybe- there is something for you in this struggle, too.
Mostly... I am just grateful. That I am on the road to recovery- and that someday I will walk in wellness. Because THAT is what I know is true. Granted; I am not who I used to be. I can't do everything I used to do...but I will have a full life. God told me so; and I believe Him.
