Hannah Pearl

I apologize.

I started this last year with the gung-ho intention of writing more frequently.  I could not have imagined how packed the last 6 months of the year would be.  I haven’t written because when I do I want to remain as true as possible to my experiences and yet maintain the privacy of the ministry I have been interning for.  It has been an intense time with a windfall of experiences and emotions.  It has all worked together for the healing of my soul and a cleaner existence to be sure.  I’m going to have to find the balance and be able to share all God is doing and maintain proper anonymity of those now in my life. 

Let’s just talk about the amazing weekend I’ve had which started with my dear friend Hannah Pearl.  Hannah Pearl is British.  She must be in her 70’s and is absolutely gorgeous.  I mean it.  Her hair is short, white, and completely stylish.  She is petite and her make up is perfect.  She is encouraging and flows in the gifts of the Spirit as easily as she breathes.  I was honored to have lunch with her (she invited me for ‘tea’).  She asked me questions and spoke to me of my Father’s love.  We asked how the other came to be in Arizona and about marriage.  When I complimented her on her red sweater, saying it was exactly the kind I like, she gave it to me.  Refusing was futile.  It is instantly one of my favorites, more because of the giver than the gift itself.  Needless to say, being the crier that I am, I teared my way through the hour and ½.   Shocker, I know.  (Stop laughing and rolling your eyes, Octoli.)  But the greatest part came right at the end before I left. 

“I want to play a song for you” she said.  “It’s not a song with words, it’s just a tune…for you.”  “Okay!”  I exclaimed.  “Just sit there and close your eyes,” she instructed, “and we’ll see what the Lord will do.”  She paused and prayed, “Thank you, Papa… I just praise You and Thank You, Lord.  I offer up these hands, Father, and I juuust ask that You would flow, flow, flow through me, Father… for Leah today.  Thank You, Jesus.  Thank You, Jesus.”  Already moved by the sweetness of her heart and tenderness of her words what came next brought something I have never experienced before.  Four full minutes of a tune never before played that felt as personal as anything I’ve ever been, done, or imagined.  Every note strummed a piece of my heart.  I could see clearly the ups and downs of my journey all encompassed with…joy!  Joy!!!  Overwhelming love presented through joy. 

Joy is something I have a hard time maintaining and told Hannah Pearl so afterwards.  Yet in the midst of this heavenly performance I couldn’t do anything but feel the love and pure, uninhibited, joy!  I could hear the Lord perfectly say, ‘It’s all meantime.’  Like everything I strive for and worry about is so…simple.  It’s all meantime… no matter where I work or what I do.  No matter where I live or how I plan… it’s all meantime.  The big things- the truly important things WILL COME.  They will flow as naturally as life itself because my focus is on Him and His plans for me are ordered.  Mind you all of this understanding came in an instant.  A knowing.  As peaceful and settled as any secure, organized agenda I could produce.  PRAISE GOD for voice recording on smart phones!!  I recorded the whole thing.  I want to have it transcribed and copy righted!!  Framed!

Afterwards Hannah Pearl shared with me what she felt as she played, ‘the Father’s Love, love, love for me’ and really that ‘the sky is the limit.’  I’m accepting this as cruciality in my life.  Let’s see what the Lord will do, indeed. 

Miracles Happen

My 40 day fast ends in two days and as always… God is faithful. 

He has absolutely given direction and how grateful I am for some new irons in the fire!  As with many transitions there are bittersweet aspects but I am so ready for a new season…bring it!  But first… as promised; MIRACLES HAPPEN. 

So my bestie from Kona is getting married.  She lives in Canada and as I have mentioned a gazillion-jiggabilllion times I have not been in the most money making season of my life, hehe.  But my bestie asked me to be IN the party and even if she didn’t- of course- I want to go!!  So how would I EVER be able to afford it?  I asked for a miracle. 

I’m not sure if you guys believe in God’s economy.  The whole tithing and gifts thing.  But I DO.  His word is perfectly clear on the matter.  Nowhere in the New Testament are we commanded to tithe but it is a principle of faith.  It’s a discipline that is meant to teach us and contribute to developing our character.  It’s the only place in the bible that God actually says, “Test me in this!”  Malachi 3:10, “Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this," says the LORD Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that there will not be room enough to store it.”  I don’t know about ya’ll… but… I could stand for the floodgates of heaven to be poured out in my direction, right?!! Granted, He is talking about food…the ‘first fruits’ of the crops and harvest so that everyone will have enough.  In that not all of us are farmers, the ‘first fruits’ of our culture tends to be money. So even when things are painfully tight… I choose to exercise what I know to be true.  You cannot out give God.  I have tested Him in this…and He never fails to give it back to me.  Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not saying there haven’t been times where I was so hurting that I cried out, “Lord!  I know You see me.  I know You see this situation.  Have I not tithed?  Have I not been faithful? Please!! Open the floodgates already!”  NOT that He needs my reminders but His timing is not always as I would prefer it.  And the blessing doesn’t always come back in money.  Favor is favor.  (Not to say I am trying to pay for His favor…good heavens, no.)  At any rate… I asked for a miracle. 

Even in my poverty someone said to me, “You know… I know God understands when you are that broke that you don’t give the full tithe.”  And it’s true.  He does understand.  But 10% is only a lot when you are giving it.  It really isn’t that much when you are applying it to all the everyday stuff.  It’s called Sacrifice for a reason.  I’m sorry… I feel myself making this about tithing and it is SO NOT.  As a matter of fact, tithing is a VERY personal thing and people come to it…or don’t… at different times. Again…it’s a principle of faith. 

The point is… the floodgates of heaven have been poured out upon me and… I have to give Him GLORY!!!

I have a friend who lives in Norway.  I met her in Kona as well.  We actually only got together like 2 or 3 times before she left.  We barely had time to deepen the connection we both felt.  She messaged me recently saying that she was coming to Las Vegas for a wedding and how close was it to me?  ugh.  So close and yet so far away.  I can’t afford to drive to Vegas.  I can’t afford to take the time off of work and even if I did I wouldn’t have the gas money or extra for accommodations and food.  So I had to break it to her that I couldn’t afford it, how sorry I was, and that I was praying for a miracle to make it to a wedding myself this summer. 

A couple of days later she messages me that she is not coming to Vegas after all…but ‘there is no reason why one us of shouldn’t make it to our wedding this summer.  How much did I need to comfortably make it?’  My American, hard-working, prideful initial response was to say, ‘Noooooo.’ But… I had asked for a miracle.  You can’t ask God to rescue you and then not accept it. (Like the old joke about the guy on the roof in a flood, right?) So… I told her how much tickets were (about $600.) and that ‘I would never expect her to give that much and thank you for the consideration.’ She responds, “It’s just really clear to me that I don’t own anything.  It is all God’s and how He chooses to take care of His children, is really up to Him.  So, I try to obey even if awkward, hoping it will be less awkward over time, because it is really wonderful to feel Him taking care of us with the material stuff as well as the spiritual.”  She continued, “I asked Him about how much and I felt Him saying $1000.  But I was like, ‘what if that’s not enough?  What if she needs $1500?... $1000. it is.”

$1000.???!!!!!  DOLLARS?!!!!!! I would call that a miracle, boys and girls.  Flat out.  She wrote, “I don’t think it is a coincidence that I reached out at this moment, and the funny part is that I was considering spending money on a wedding…Little did I know God was planning for me to spend the money on a wedding, just not the one I had in mind.” 

How absolutely humbling it is to receive.  I never, ever get over how abundant God is and how generous people can be.  It is the hardest thing to receive such gifts- but the truth is- if I had it go give, I so would!!  And the blessing that the giver receives is abundant also.  To know that without your gift they would not be able…is a feeling like no other.  To be used by God in His orchestration.  #priceless. 

So, MIRACLES HAPPEN.  They truly do.  Thank you, my dearest Norwegian Friend!!!  I have no words; but trust that God in His glorious riches will convey the magnitude of my emotions and gratitude in ways that He alone can.  I pray His richest blessings upon you and grant you favor.  I thank you, my bestie thanks you, everyone who will be inspired by your faith and obedience thank you!  You, sister, are the real deal.  (((HUG)))  Praise God from Whom all blessings flow.

This girl is Canada bound.   

All I want is just to know Your heart..

So… I’m starting this 40 day fast. 

It’s not because I am some spiritual giant.  I have been feeling the tug to do a ‘Silence and Solitude’ but am not really at leisure to make that happen so-when a beloved friend of mine started talking about his desire for a spiritual revival and fasting the next forty days it didn’t take much for me to chime in… ME TOO! Iron sharpens iron and I love it!!

So, for me, a fast is not generally food.  I can fast sugar, or something specific but I need protein every few hours so when I fast it tends to be things like ‘all TV, secular music, any outside source of influence’ sort of gig and it never fails to be powerful.  So today is day 1 of No Netflix (gasp!- she’s so brave!) or anything aforementioned, with the exception of sermons, messages, lessons, and perhaps the Giants and Warriors… I’m not sure, hehe.

I’m seeking some clarity on big issues.  When aren’t we, right? 

But I so desperately need direction and I KNOW God is faithful to give it so I am digging down, pressing in, seeking hard after His heart.  I found this song recently on YOUTUBE.  I love that Bethel church posts their worship because you can soak for loooong periods of time which is what it takes for me to settle down and find the sweet spot.  Putting the concerns of the day and the laundry list aside to feel His presence and enter into His courts with thanksgiving and praise.  The lyrics are, “All I want is just to know Your heart so will You keep me here until we’re one.”  Over and over: All I want is just to know Your heart so will You keep me here until we’re one.  I know sometimes in modern worship people get annoyed by singing the same thing over and over again and I get that.  Sometimes it’s too much for me too, but sometimes… sometimes… it frees you from thought and allows a true meditation of the words being sung to soak into your soul and meet healing.  Submission to them, agreement with their sentiment until it is truly your hearts cry.  All I want is just to know You more so will You keep me here until we’re one.  ALL I WANT IS JUST TO KNOW YOU MORE SO WILL YOU KEEP ME HERE UNTIL WE’RE ONE!!!  This fast is an attempt to do just that.  Come to the place of knowing Him and being willing to set aside anything that hinders and run full force into His heart and will. 

Please, please pray that He will grant me the grace of addressing any and all that needs to be addressed and come out with a clear direction for this next season.

I will keep you posted ;)

Here’s the song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4H9AcCXZMVs

The part I refer to starts at about 19:20 but if you can I encourage the whole ride. 

Welcome Aboard or Get Off....

I started last year on a spiritual high.  Learning and growing more in the first 40 days than ever before.  Miracles, signs, and wonders.  I ended the year in a brief spiritual battle over the same old wound- my heart and the love of a man. 

I live my life under the rule, “Every man is a NO until God tells me YES.”  I started this rule for a simple fact… my picker is broken.   I have a co-dependent tendency to be in relationship with those who have yet to come into a healthy walk themselves.  Hey… we all have brokenness.  It’s nothing to be ashamed of.  Especially if we are seeking wellness or how to be better.  But my tendency is to see brokenness and want so desperately to comfort it that I sacrifice myself.  I know better.  So- my ‘every man is a No’ rule is a personal boundary that insures that the next time I am in relationship it will be with the ONE that I am called to be in relationship with.  Oh, it is hard sometimes to wait… for years… but sometimes it has been really easy. 

I had a friend recently ask me, “So… it really exists?  That place with God where He is enough?”  I want to say a loud and clear YES!!!  I can honestly say that in the dead center of an intimate flow with God there is a sweetness that NOTHING compares to.  Not arms around you, not sex, no chocolate covered goodness, no strong margarita.  No compliment on your looks, no crowd’s applause after a good delivery.  It’s untouchable and complete.  There is favor and provision.  Purity and grace unexplainable.  And I can sincerely say I have been there.

It’s when I start looking to the world or old fixes that I grow discontent.  It’s when whatever it is I am seeking is NEVER enough.  Ever.  The sweet words stop.  The touches end.  The texts don’t come and the bowl is finished.  The bottle is empty or the movie is over.  Reality sets in and I am again; lonely. 

The thing is… I may stumble, I may grow weak; but I will not be moved.  The stability I know exists in the center of the sweetest fellowship I have ever known holds me.  It comforts all loss or struggle.  Brings reason to chaos.  Peace in the lack of health.  And… healing.  Physical, emotional, spiritual… HEALING.  Resolution, recompense.  And… HOPE.  Belief.  I know that I know that I KNOW that there will come a day where I am flowing in the full stream that my life was created to be.  I am the only one who has caused seasons to go wrong by acting out of wounds made by trauma of my sin or sin committed against me.  (Don’t get bent of the word sin.  It simply means ‘to miss the mark’ in Greek.  We ALL miss the mark sometimes.) 

My point is this:  Do I blow it?  Yeah, for sure.  We all do.  Do I hate it? Yep.  I am grateful that it happens less and less in these days but it seems that when I do…it’s a biggie.  A blow-out with someone or a choice that causes pain.  But I will not stop fighting, believing, trusting, and knowing that I am on the right team and the right side of this fight. 

I’m going to be writing/vlogging more this year.  Not out of vanity, I assure you.  But because I have been encouraged to and asked to more than I could express and if my struggles and revelations, by grace, offer you something- then I am more than willing to share them.  All I know is how to be honest, so hang on.  My challenge will be to keep boundaries on what doesn’t need to be said.  You know I’m all about Jesus… so just know that it will almost always end up there.  Welcome aboard or get off my crazy train because He is always my destination. 

Grace and Peace, friends.  Happy New Year 2016.