I started
last year on a spiritual high. Learning
and growing more in the first 40 days than ever before. Miracles, signs, and wonders. I ended the year in a brief spiritual battle
over the same old wound- my heart and the love of a man.
I live my
life under the rule, “Every man is a NO until God tells me YES.” I started this rule for a simple fact… my
picker is broken. I have a co-dependent
tendency to be in relationship with those who have yet to come into a healthy
walk themselves. Hey… we all have
brokenness. It’s nothing to be ashamed
of. Especially if we are seeking
wellness or how to be better. But my
tendency is to see brokenness and want so desperately to comfort it that I
sacrifice myself. I know better. So- my ‘every man is a No’ rule is a personal
boundary that insures that the next time I am in relationship it will be with
the ONE that I am called to be in relationship with. Oh, it is hard sometimes to wait… for years…
but sometimes it has been really easy.
I had a
friend recently ask me, “So… it really exists?
That place with God where He is enough?”
I want to say a loud and clear YES!!!
I can honestly say that in the dead center of an intimate flow with God
there is a sweetness that NOTHING compares to.
Not arms around you, not sex, no chocolate covered goodness, no strong margarita. No compliment on your looks, no crowd’s applause
after a good delivery. It’s untouchable
and complete. There is favor and
provision. Purity and grace unexplainable. And I can sincerely say I
have been there.
It’s when I
start looking to the world or old fixes that I grow discontent. It’s when whatever it is I am seeking is
NEVER enough. Ever. The sweet words stop. The touches end. The texts don’t come and the bowl is finished. The bottle is empty or the movie is
over. Reality sets in and I am again;
lonely.
The thing is…
I may stumble, I may grow weak; but I will not be moved. The stability I know exists in the center of
the sweetest fellowship I have ever known holds me. It comforts all loss or struggle. Brings reason to chaos. Peace in the lack of health. And… healing.
Physical, emotional, spiritual… HEALING.
Resolution, recompense. And…
HOPE. Belief. I know that I know that I KNOW that there will
come a day where I am flowing in the full stream that my life was created to
be. I am the only one who has caused
seasons to go wrong by acting out of wounds made by trauma of my sin or sin
committed against me. (Don’t get bent of
the word sin. It simply means ‘to miss
the mark’ in Greek. We ALL miss the mark
sometimes.)
My point is
this: Do I blow it? Yeah, for sure. We all do.
Do I hate it? Yep. I am grateful
that it happens less and less in these days but it seems that when I do…it’s a
biggie. A blow-out with someone or a
choice that causes pain. But I will not
stop fighting, believing, trusting, and knowing that I am on the right team and
the right side of this fight.
I’m going to
be writing/vlogging more this year. Not
out of vanity, I assure you. But because
I have been encouraged to and asked to more than I could express and if my
struggles and revelations, by grace, offer you something- then I am more than
willing to share them. All I know is how
to be honest, so hang on. My challenge
will be to keep boundaries on what doesn’t need to be said. You know I’m all about Jesus… so just know
that it will almost always end up there.
Welcome aboard or get off my crazy train because He is always my
destination.
Grace and
Peace, friends. Happy New Year 2016.
