Well, shoot.
I have been meaning to write at some dramatic
time like during a layover in an airport or something...but here I am...
writing after getting home from the four walls that have known me the
longest! Praise God I flew from Hawaii on time at 10:03pm and arrived
in San Francisco California at 2:30am my time and around 6:30am
California time. I had a three hour lay over before I flew to
Sacramento- God is so good. I was dreading the three hour layover being
so tired and not having slept much- but when I got the SFO and found my
gate, I sat down and they started announcing an earlier flight to
Sacramento. I went to the counter and asked...actually, I barely had to
ask- the guy behind the counter was so friendly and got me right on the
next flight! I called my dad to warn him I'd be in Sac earlier and as
soon as I hung up- I boarded! An hour later I was in Sacramento. My
body was starting to get really upset with me for not sleeping or eating
in several hours. So I tried to relax a bit and in swift time my dad
and stepmom were there to get me! Home by 11:10am..in bed by 11:20am...
slept for 3 hours. Made myself get up so that I could sleep last night
(which was NOT going to be a problem!) We are so used to go go going
that when I woke up I didn't know what to do w/ myself. I washed my
beloved blessing of a vehicle, charged the battery, had dinner w/ my
brother and took it for a spin 'around the block.' I felt so grown up
driving my truck!! It is really something to not have your own
transportation for the better part of a year. I confess my legs are in
great shape after walking all over that mountain... but oh the joy of
hopping in your car to run errands at a distance! Praise You, God for
your gifts to us!!
I have had $8. in my checking account for
about a month. I wasn't freaking out because He has taught me to know
better. When I need something, He will provide it; and everything in
June had been accomplished...but here comes July ;) So! I traveled
home and am scheduled to go to Palm Desert (Southern California) to
visit my 'other parents.' I knew the gas of that would cost about $100.
and I knew I could cancel if I didn't have the money by Monday (when I
am scheduled to leave.) I just trusted that if it was God's will He
would provide. (I don't know when visiting family is NOT God's will,
but, timing possibly...so... I trusted.) I got home and an envelope had
been sitting in my room for 3 months. It was from blood work that I
had done a year ago. It was a refund check from overpaying last year!
$178. Praise God from whom all blessings flow. He is so generous and
on time, I cannot express. So I have money to go visit my 'other
parents' and enough to cover my phone bill that will be coming in a week
or so...plus a bit. Hallelujah.
It's strange to be home.
Strange to think of all these winter clothes that belong to me. I will
be having a yard sale in the next couple of weeks to earn money to print
off the materials that I need to teach the seminars on how to study the
bible- still working on the exact dates of those, but they are coming
sooon!! I think most will be August dates, but we shall see... maybe
one late July.
I am both nervous and eager to teach these seminars.
School
ending was super emotional. So many months we had fought together to
achieve our goal and when it was finally over it was-well- over. We
cried and had a fantastic graduation dinner and slide show. All the
faces that had become so dear. My best friends and I just clung to each
other dreading the minute we had to let go. When we did it was just
brutal. I love these girls beyond what words can express. To have
fought so hard and so long for something while experiencing all the
transformation that comes with it along the way must be a bit like
having gone through war together. (Not an accurate comparison at all,
but you get the gist of what I'm saying.) No one else can quite
understand what you just went through or what it took out of you. All
that you learned and what was poured INTO you. The bible nerd jokes and
new language. Thank God for modern technology! We have been 'voxing'
each other regularly with constant updates of flights and feelings.
Thank God for Facebook (how many people can say that?!). That was a
hard earned 48 units of credit and I am grateful for the gifts of my
room mates and friends that went through it with me. Love those guys.
Now
in September (just 9 weeks from now) I will be returning as staff.
This means that I will grade the homework of the new students, have one
on one counseling with them when they want or need it, teach...oh,
Lord! Teach! and do all the things that need doing... which is
anything and everything they tell me to do! I am eager to see how many
nations we will be pouring into this year and be the truly sympathetic
ear when they are struggling. It is a battle I have fought and am eager
to help others fight well also.
I praise God for His faithful
provision. I never had to go without my vitamins, I always had food to
eat (even when it sucked) and people I could turn to. I absolutely know
that I have grown stronger in my spirit through His and that I am not
who I was 9 months ago. I have the foundation of God's word locked into
my heart and understand His intentions for us through it. I am clear
on what I believe and why I believe it. I have had questions answered
and doctrine solidified. I look forward to continuing my education and
pouring out to the nations all that has been given me.
If you
EVER want to visit Kona- I hope you will! I hope you can sit in on a
day of lecture and experience what God is doing and how He is moving.
How we would love to have you!
In the meantime please pray about
attending one of my Inductive Bible Study seminars. I would be honored
if you would consider coming!!!
Thank you for your continued prayers and support!! Blessings.
Friday, June 28, 2013
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Giving Glory to the One!!
God is trippin' me out!!
He is unbelievably generous and attentive. It's amazing how being in the center of His will for you comes with such eerie provision and guidance. One wonders why they ever wasted time anywhere else!! Remember THAT when facing temptation!! (as we inevitably do...)
I wrote before that I knew God would get me home to accomplish all that needs to be done this summer- I didn't know HOW I would get there, but I knew if it was His will, I would get there...well... my dad and stepmom allowed the Spirit to rouse them and decided to give me some of their flyer miles to get me home and back again!! This is a miracle in more ways than one, and I am grateful...so grateful. When they called (which is also uncommon) I was blown away- upon hanging up I was literally on the floor laughing and crying, making strange noises that my room mates may have wondered about from the kitchen; nonetheless I could not control myself. I know He will provide, I try my best to walk in the faith of trusting He will provide, but it's not as easy as it should be...so He just keeps showing Himself to me in these huge ways. When it happens I cannot help but stand in such humbling awe. His timing is flawless- always exactly when it's needed.
Here is another story of my 'trying my best' to trust Him fully. (It's not that I don't think He is trustworthy- I KNOW HE IS TRUSTWORTHY- it is my earthly lack of trust in people from past hurts that transfers over to my God, even tho He is so undeserving of such hesitation.)
So- my cell phone bill was coming due. Funny how that happens every month ;) It was coming due and I did not have the full amount. I just prayed, "Lord- you know what my needs are. I am not going to ride the emotional roller coaster every time I have a need. I trust You." These words are easier prayed than done. It was going to be taken out of my account automatically in two days. The first day I called my mother- and asked for it. Way to trust God! She could not transfer money from her bank in the Netherlands to mine in California. So we were both praying. I called my best girlfriend...and asked her for it (so embarrassing). Way to trust God! She didn't get my message until way too late- the next day it would come out of my account. I called the phone company and asked them to not take it out automatically- this would cause my account to bounce and be charged $32. over what the bill would even be! The bill itself wasn't due until the 9th and they take it automatically on the 6th. I told my Mom jokingly, "I bought God a couple of days." (Like He needs it. such a joke.) SO!! The part you are waiting for... my room mate had a fundraiser that evening. I usually help her in that she is from India and all students from other countries must have an American to accept the money for some legal reason. So- we did her fundraiser. That evening she comes to me with her tithe. I, of course, tried to refuse like a good prideful child. I tell her the money is for her outreach, yada yada... She tells me in firm fashion that it is not her tithe just from this night, but from other things as well and that it is between her and God and she is insistent on tithing... wants to give it to me! ugh. so humbling. So- it's in cash. I can't get it to my bank in time or pay online with it. I am thinking, 'how can I pay my bill?' She asks me about it- because she thought my mom had paid it- I said, 'No, she hadn't. Couldn't.' "Oh!" she exclaims, "I can give you the tithe from my card if that is easier-" SO SHE PAYS MY PHONE BILL. Again RIGHT on time... I didn't need to buy God time or anything. He had it covered. He knew what she was going to do, He knew her tithes together would equal the exact amount of my bill. He knew the day and hour it was due. It is always especially humbling when missionaries give to other missionaries. It is a great feeling to be able to support each other in our needs. I confess I much prefer being on the giving end...but hey... God is in control. So- all that to give Glory to the One who is able to keep me and do exceedingly abundantly above or beyond anything I can wrap my head around.
As I come home (in 18 days!!!) I am overwhelmed by God's goodness to me. I have so much more to write, but you know how I feel about blogs that are too long. So please just be praying for the ability to accomplish all I need to while I'm home. I need to:
* Have a yard sale to earn money (yuck, right?)
* Go down south and visit my in-laws (yay!)
* Arrange and pay for health insurance for the next year (so I can be on the YWAM base)
* Practice and Teach 2/3 educational seminars on the Inductive Bible Study Method (who's in?!!!) (This also requires printing off the materials before the seminars... yard sale money?)
* Decide once and for all what to do about my truck...
(God is leading me towards shipping it here...which should cost about $1100. - about what I would pay for a moped. This will allow me to get to church next year and also take students places, grocery shop, run errands, etc. You know... HAVE TRANSPORTATION.)
* Try to see my doctor
* Try to see a dentist? (probably not)
* I know I am leaving things off :)
I covet your prayers!!! Love and thanks, guys!! xoxo
He is unbelievably generous and attentive. It's amazing how being in the center of His will for you comes with such eerie provision and guidance. One wonders why they ever wasted time anywhere else!! Remember THAT when facing temptation!! (as we inevitably do...)
I wrote before that I knew God would get me home to accomplish all that needs to be done this summer- I didn't know HOW I would get there, but I knew if it was His will, I would get there...well... my dad and stepmom allowed the Spirit to rouse them and decided to give me some of their flyer miles to get me home and back again!! This is a miracle in more ways than one, and I am grateful...so grateful. When they called (which is also uncommon) I was blown away- upon hanging up I was literally on the floor laughing and crying, making strange noises that my room mates may have wondered about from the kitchen; nonetheless I could not control myself. I know He will provide, I try my best to walk in the faith of trusting He will provide, but it's not as easy as it should be...so He just keeps showing Himself to me in these huge ways. When it happens I cannot help but stand in such humbling awe. His timing is flawless- always exactly when it's needed.
Here is another story of my 'trying my best' to trust Him fully. (It's not that I don't think He is trustworthy- I KNOW HE IS TRUSTWORTHY- it is my earthly lack of trust in people from past hurts that transfers over to my God, even tho He is so undeserving of such hesitation.)
So- my cell phone bill was coming due. Funny how that happens every month ;) It was coming due and I did not have the full amount. I just prayed, "Lord- you know what my needs are. I am not going to ride the emotional roller coaster every time I have a need. I trust You." These words are easier prayed than done. It was going to be taken out of my account automatically in two days. The first day I called my mother- and asked for it. Way to trust God! She could not transfer money from her bank in the Netherlands to mine in California. So we were both praying. I called my best girlfriend...and asked her for it (so embarrassing). Way to trust God! She didn't get my message until way too late- the next day it would come out of my account. I called the phone company and asked them to not take it out automatically- this would cause my account to bounce and be charged $32. over what the bill would even be! The bill itself wasn't due until the 9th and they take it automatically on the 6th. I told my Mom jokingly, "I bought God a couple of days." (Like He needs it. such a joke.) SO!! The part you are waiting for... my room mate had a fundraiser that evening. I usually help her in that she is from India and all students from other countries must have an American to accept the money for some legal reason. So- we did her fundraiser. That evening she comes to me with her tithe. I, of course, tried to refuse like a good prideful child. I tell her the money is for her outreach, yada yada... She tells me in firm fashion that it is not her tithe just from this night, but from other things as well and that it is between her and God and she is insistent on tithing... wants to give it to me! ugh. so humbling. So- it's in cash. I can't get it to my bank in time or pay online with it. I am thinking, 'how can I pay my bill?' She asks me about it- because she thought my mom had paid it- I said, 'No, she hadn't. Couldn't.' "Oh!" she exclaims, "I can give you the tithe from my card if that is easier-" SO SHE PAYS MY PHONE BILL. Again RIGHT on time... I didn't need to buy God time or anything. He had it covered. He knew what she was going to do, He knew her tithes together would equal the exact amount of my bill. He knew the day and hour it was due. It is always especially humbling when missionaries give to other missionaries. It is a great feeling to be able to support each other in our needs. I confess I much prefer being on the giving end...but hey... God is in control. So- all that to give Glory to the One who is able to keep me and do exceedingly abundantly above or beyond anything I can wrap my head around.
As I come home (in 18 days!!!) I am overwhelmed by God's goodness to me. I have so much more to write, but you know how I feel about blogs that are too long. So please just be praying for the ability to accomplish all I need to while I'm home. I need to:
* Have a yard sale to earn money (yuck, right?)
* Go down south and visit my in-laws (yay!)
* Arrange and pay for health insurance for the next year (so I can be on the YWAM base)
* Practice and Teach 2/3 educational seminars on the Inductive Bible Study Method (who's in?!!!) (This also requires printing off the materials before the seminars... yard sale money?)
* Decide once and for all what to do about my truck...
(God is leading me towards shipping it here...which should cost about $1100. - about what I would pay for a moped. This will allow me to get to church next year and also take students places, grocery shop, run errands, etc. You know... HAVE TRANSPORTATION.)
* Try to see my doctor
* Try to see a dentist? (probably not)
* I know I am leaving things off :)
I covet your prayers!!! Love and thanks, guys!! xoxo
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Update and just for kicks...
Hey, guys, just a brief update!
We are down to just 4 weeks left of this course and 9 books of the Bible left. It is crunch time and we all feel it. We are struggling for the end game motivation. The books are so jam packed with good stuff and it's all we can do to take it all in! I will miss these people so much. It's so strange to think of the beginning and how we barely knew each other. We have grown so close. What will I do without my Asian roommates cooking?!! (Just kidding, it's so much more than that-) Living on this mountain has gotten my legs in better shape than they have been in years and my cardio is kickin'!! :)
I will be home (God willing) for 8 weeks this summer. I have so much to do but I am confident God will allow for down time as well. I think I might sleep for a week when I get home! Actually- I know I won't- I'm already anxious about all that needs to be accomplished and NOT having homework every single day will probably drive me nuts as I transition. I won't know what to do with myself so accomplishing all I need to will be a good thing! I am going to have a yard sale and earn some money that way- I really hate yard sales- but hey, do what you have to do, right? We are to 'be ready to do every good work' (Titus 3:1). I will also be preparing for and ultimately teaching a few four hour seminars on the method of studying the bible I have learned here. A couple of you have asked me about that and I promise as soon as I nail down the dates I will let you know. It will probably be early July before I know. I appreciate your interest! I am excited (and nervous) to share with you!!! Please pray for me in this way.
I will also be going to Southern California shortly after arriving home. I am going to visit a girlfriend in LA and then my precious "Other Parents" in Palm Desert for retreat. What an amazing gift it will be to see and spend time with people I love. Can't wait.
Please pray for me- I am praying about selling my Truck. If you know me- you know the dagger this is. It is literally my last asset. It's paid for and a great little truck. Low mileage, dependable... I seriously thought I would have it forever- or until I drove it into the ground, you know what I mean!! It's not worth THAT much- but to me it's very valuable. It is my 'miracle truck.' The way God gave it to me is a miracle story. I know we aren't supposed to be attached to 'things' but I have given up everything to be here and the thought of that last thing- my truck- just for the sake of money just kills me. It doesn't cost me that much to keep it sitting at my mom's- and it is soooo nice to have a car when I go home; but I've committed to two years here and I'm not sure if paying to keep it sitting there (as small as the fee is for insurance) is wise when the money of selling it could go towards my rent next year. I also feel like, once my truck is gone, that's it, I don't have anything else in case of emergency. Don't get me wrong- I am absolutely aware of Who controls my emergencies. I am more confident than ever that He is in control. This truck quite literally was His gift to me- even now I am honestly not sure this is the course of action He would have me take. It might not be wise to sell it. I'm praying... I just ask that you pray, too. I value your prayers so very much. I cannot express my gratitude.
Okay, that's it... just one quickie funny for kicks before signing off. On Campus we are literally every nation. So one day I was walking and this big hunk of a kid was walking right along side me at the same time... I heard him say something so we just kinda started talking. I asked where he was from and he replied, "Ireland." "Ireland? Good Lord-" I replied in my best Irish brogue. (Sorry, I apologize to those who believe saying 'Lord' is wrong) "Isn't it something there!" His eye brows went up like he couldn't believe I just did that... and I just addressed it. "So was it awful? Just tell me, man, did it suck or was it okay?" His face had told me all I needed to know but he kindly said, "It was okay." "Nooooooo, it wasn't!" I said and we laughed together. "It sucked, huh!!!" Anyway-
now when I see him around campus I shout, "Ireland!" and we wave. It's so funny. He came by our fundraising table last week and I got him to do a California accent. It was great. My roommates, who now love the story, are ever asking me to do my Irish accent! hahahahahaha.
Love you guys, peace out! or should I say, "May the good Lord bless you and keep in the mighty palm of His hand." (In Irish, of course.)
We are down to just 4 weeks left of this course and 9 books of the Bible left. It is crunch time and we all feel it. We are struggling for the end game motivation. The books are so jam packed with good stuff and it's all we can do to take it all in! I will miss these people so much. It's so strange to think of the beginning and how we barely knew each other. We have grown so close. What will I do without my Asian roommates cooking?!! (Just kidding, it's so much more than that-) Living on this mountain has gotten my legs in better shape than they have been in years and my cardio is kickin'!! :)
I will be home (God willing) for 8 weeks this summer. I have so much to do but I am confident God will allow for down time as well. I think I might sleep for a week when I get home! Actually- I know I won't- I'm already anxious about all that needs to be accomplished and NOT having homework every single day will probably drive me nuts as I transition. I won't know what to do with myself so accomplishing all I need to will be a good thing! I am going to have a yard sale and earn some money that way- I really hate yard sales- but hey, do what you have to do, right? We are to 'be ready to do every good work' (Titus 3:1). I will also be preparing for and ultimately teaching a few four hour seminars on the method of studying the bible I have learned here. A couple of you have asked me about that and I promise as soon as I nail down the dates I will let you know. It will probably be early July before I know. I appreciate your interest! I am excited (and nervous) to share with you!!! Please pray for me in this way.
I will also be going to Southern California shortly after arriving home. I am going to visit a girlfriend in LA and then my precious "Other Parents" in Palm Desert for retreat. What an amazing gift it will be to see and spend time with people I love. Can't wait.
Please pray for me- I am praying about selling my Truck. If you know me- you know the dagger this is. It is literally my last asset. It's paid for and a great little truck. Low mileage, dependable... I seriously thought I would have it forever- or until I drove it into the ground, you know what I mean!! It's not worth THAT much- but to me it's very valuable. It is my 'miracle truck.' The way God gave it to me is a miracle story. I know we aren't supposed to be attached to 'things' but I have given up everything to be here and the thought of that last thing- my truck- just for the sake of money just kills me. It doesn't cost me that much to keep it sitting at my mom's- and it is soooo nice to have a car when I go home; but I've committed to two years here and I'm not sure if paying to keep it sitting there (as small as the fee is for insurance) is wise when the money of selling it could go towards my rent next year. I also feel like, once my truck is gone, that's it, I don't have anything else in case of emergency. Don't get me wrong- I am absolutely aware of Who controls my emergencies. I am more confident than ever that He is in control. This truck quite literally was His gift to me- even now I am honestly not sure this is the course of action He would have me take. It might not be wise to sell it. I'm praying... I just ask that you pray, too. I value your prayers so very much. I cannot express my gratitude.
Okay, that's it... just one quickie funny for kicks before signing off. On Campus we are literally every nation. So one day I was walking and this big hunk of a kid was walking right along side me at the same time... I heard him say something so we just kinda started talking. I asked where he was from and he replied, "Ireland." "Ireland? Good Lord-" I replied in my best Irish brogue. (Sorry, I apologize to those who believe saying 'Lord' is wrong) "Isn't it something there!" His eye brows went up like he couldn't believe I just did that... and I just addressed it. "So was it awful? Just tell me, man, did it suck or was it okay?" His face had told me all I needed to know but he kindly said, "It was okay." "Nooooooo, it wasn't!" I said and we laughed together. "It sucked, huh!!!" Anyway-
now when I see him around campus I shout, "Ireland!" and we wave. It's so funny. He came by our fundraising table last week and I got him to do a California accent. It was great. My roommates, who now love the story, are ever asking me to do my Irish accent! hahahahahaha.
Love you guys, peace out! or should I say, "May the good Lord bless you and keep in the mighty palm of His hand." (In Irish, of course.)
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Miracles...
Well I have managed to do it again. I have let entirely too much time go by between blogs and then there is SO MUCH to tell! Problem is- I can't remember it all!!!
What I can remember is to Glorify the One who has done much and just keeps doing much in my life.
My school fees were past due and my name was on the list on the board of those who owe. I know it sounds brutal but if you don't have the money they literally will send you home. This is a big campus and far too many times they have been taken advantage of by those who say they will pay later and never do- it's a tight ship and they are striving to be good stewards. That said- they are only humans and sometimes things are not handled as well as they could be but again... grace, grace. So I needed $871. in two days or I had to go to a meeting explaining what I was going to do immediately to get it. I had, of course, no idea. I had done one fund raiser, watched my accounts dwindle, seen one miracle regarding my phone bill, and gotten a letter from the IRS saying 'we aren't giving you your money'- so- I was concerned, but had laid it at His feet. I said, "Look, Lord... I trust You. I know I am in the middle of Your will for me. I know I am right where you want me, so, this can only come through You." I placed a sincere prayer request on facebook and our class had a time of prayer for the fees still needed. My classmates alone gave me $345. I was so humbled. These are people who don't have much, either!!! Then by the love of friends and family by the request on facebook as well as a deposit into my account by a brother who had no idea any of this was going on...dollar by dollar it was paid in full with a bit left over!!! (which will go towards my next quarter in the fall) I WAS BLOWN AWAY. In two days!! It is so humbling to rely on others. It shouldn't be when I read the scriptures of how even Paul was supported as he spread the gospel. Why should it be any different now? That is what I am preparing to do! But when you come from such a staunch work mentality it is difficult. It just is. Pride- it will get you every time. (He also paid my Indonesian room mates fees of $976. in three days and my Indian room mates ticket for outreach of $1300. in 5 days... He's on a roll!)
Needless to say God is teaching me so much about giving and receiving. I have no problems giving- that is by far easier for me than receiving- but God is wanting me to have a healthy perspective regarding how I work and what I work for- what I earn and what is by grace. Huge lessons. I have said for years, 'you can't out give God' but it is so true. On the last day of our 2nd Corinthians assignment I was praying before rushing into Philippians. I was praying, "Lord, let me not forget what you have spoken to me- let me not rush into this next book and leave behind how you are teaching me to 'give it away' and not worry about money.'
Let me back up. For my fundraiser my precious, Indian room mate- Octoli- had given me, yes given me- some henna ink and bindhi's that she had done a fundraiser with. They were left over and she gave them to me to do my own fundraiser. I did. Praise God it brought $125. I had a gal I know come up to me weeks later and ask how much I had left of the henna because her friend wanted to buy it from me to do her own fundraiser- only actually doing the henna tattoos for people as opposed to just selling the ink itself. I was thrilled! That could go towards my school fees. The gal never contacted me and when I asked my friend why- she said the gal couldn't afford it right now. I thought, 'oh, well I can't count on that money.'
The night I was praying not to forget what God had been speaking to me was at a worship service. As I prayed, 'Let me not forget to give it away...' my eyes fell on my friend who had approached me regarding the henna. "As freely as it has been given to you- give it away." I heard. My school fees were now paid- there was no reason for me to hoard the henna for myself- it had been a free gift to me. At first I thought, I should first speak to my friend who had given me the gift but the Lord said, 'No. She gave it to you. It's yours.' So.. I went to my friend. I said, "Tell your friend I'm going to give it to her." I cannot tell you the feeling it gave me.
If we hold things loosely- God can use them. If we cling to things and hold our grip firm around them they cannot be used. God has provided every thing we have needed. Not wanted- needed. And He has been pretty stinkin' generous with the wants, too! I am so blown away. It's hard to learn to flow in this way, but I am excited to get good at it. To not freak out when my bank accounts get to $.11. Yeah, cents. But to know, that somehow, someway- He will make a way for what needs to happen. I have a part, I have a role to play. Sometimes I will have to do more than other times. Not comfortable always...like asking... ugh, hate it. But He knows what and when things are required. I am headed home (for 8 weeks) in just 6 weeks for selling stuff to earn money and teach what I have been learning- I'm not sure how I am going to get there yet; but God does. I check flights and wonder what will happen when I find the right one, hehe.
I pray when I get home each of you will consider coming out to one of the seminars I will be teaching. I will give the places and times. It will only be a 4 hour class and cost $20.
Praise God from Whom all Blessings Flow!!! Hallelujah
What I can remember is to Glorify the One who has done much and just keeps doing much in my life.
My school fees were past due and my name was on the list on the board of those who owe. I know it sounds brutal but if you don't have the money they literally will send you home. This is a big campus and far too many times they have been taken advantage of by those who say they will pay later and never do- it's a tight ship and they are striving to be good stewards. That said- they are only humans and sometimes things are not handled as well as they could be but again... grace, grace. So I needed $871. in two days or I had to go to a meeting explaining what I was going to do immediately to get it. I had, of course, no idea. I had done one fund raiser, watched my accounts dwindle, seen one miracle regarding my phone bill, and gotten a letter from the IRS saying 'we aren't giving you your money'- so- I was concerned, but had laid it at His feet. I said, "Look, Lord... I trust You. I know I am in the middle of Your will for me. I know I am right where you want me, so, this can only come through You." I placed a sincere prayer request on facebook and our class had a time of prayer for the fees still needed. My classmates alone gave me $345. I was so humbled. These are people who don't have much, either!!! Then by the love of friends and family by the request on facebook as well as a deposit into my account by a brother who had no idea any of this was going on...dollar by dollar it was paid in full with a bit left over!!! (which will go towards my next quarter in the fall) I WAS BLOWN AWAY. In two days!! It is so humbling to rely on others. It shouldn't be when I read the scriptures of how even Paul was supported as he spread the gospel. Why should it be any different now? That is what I am preparing to do! But when you come from such a staunch work mentality it is difficult. It just is. Pride- it will get you every time. (He also paid my Indonesian room mates fees of $976. in three days and my Indian room mates ticket for outreach of $1300. in 5 days... He's on a roll!)
Needless to say God is teaching me so much about giving and receiving. I have no problems giving- that is by far easier for me than receiving- but God is wanting me to have a healthy perspective regarding how I work and what I work for- what I earn and what is by grace. Huge lessons. I have said for years, 'you can't out give God' but it is so true. On the last day of our 2nd Corinthians assignment I was praying before rushing into Philippians. I was praying, "Lord, let me not forget what you have spoken to me- let me not rush into this next book and leave behind how you are teaching me to 'give it away' and not worry about money.'
Let me back up. For my fundraiser my precious, Indian room mate- Octoli- had given me, yes given me- some henna ink and bindhi's that she had done a fundraiser with. They were left over and she gave them to me to do my own fundraiser. I did. Praise God it brought $125. I had a gal I know come up to me weeks later and ask how much I had left of the henna because her friend wanted to buy it from me to do her own fundraiser- only actually doing the henna tattoos for people as opposed to just selling the ink itself. I was thrilled! That could go towards my school fees. The gal never contacted me and when I asked my friend why- she said the gal couldn't afford it right now. I thought, 'oh, well I can't count on that money.'
The night I was praying not to forget what God had been speaking to me was at a worship service. As I prayed, 'Let me not forget to give it away...' my eyes fell on my friend who had approached me regarding the henna. "As freely as it has been given to you- give it away." I heard. My school fees were now paid- there was no reason for me to hoard the henna for myself- it had been a free gift to me. At first I thought, I should first speak to my friend who had given me the gift but the Lord said, 'No. She gave it to you. It's yours.' So.. I went to my friend. I said, "Tell your friend I'm going to give it to her." I cannot tell you the feeling it gave me.
If we hold things loosely- God can use them. If we cling to things and hold our grip firm around them they cannot be used. God has provided every thing we have needed. Not wanted- needed. And He has been pretty stinkin' generous with the wants, too! I am so blown away. It's hard to learn to flow in this way, but I am excited to get good at it. To not freak out when my bank accounts get to $.11. Yeah, cents. But to know, that somehow, someway- He will make a way for what needs to happen. I have a part, I have a role to play. Sometimes I will have to do more than other times. Not comfortable always...like asking... ugh, hate it. But He knows what and when things are required. I am headed home (for 8 weeks) in just 6 weeks for selling stuff to earn money and teach what I have been learning- I'm not sure how I am going to get there yet; but God does. I check flights and wonder what will happen when I find the right one, hehe.
I pray when I get home each of you will consider coming out to one of the seminars I will be teaching. I will give the places and times. It will only be a 4 hour class and cost $20.
Praise God from Whom all Blessings Flow!!! Hallelujah
Sunday, April 21, 2013
I am so, so grateful.
So much for posting every couple of weeks, eh?!
I see it's been almost a month since I reported that "I have a plan!" I praise God for it as it gives me direction, although now my brain is hard at work formulating a plan to get me to that plan, hehe. You know, the details. Let's be honest- the money, living arrangements, yard sale, fundraising, and teaching I have to do... good night! Remember when I waited until the last paragraph to bring up money? Blah ha ha! Desperation changes things.
I have a miracle that I want to share, tho...
Okay, so I got out of my cell phone contract because it was too much money a month and switched to a different carrier. (I could do a plug here for my new carrier, but some other time!) So getting out of my contract cost me $100. which was still so much better than paying the high fee each month- so I got out and they sent me a bill about 6 weeks later. It was for the $100. and a pro-rated bill that came to $58. So my bill was $158.70. Now I had an automatic withdraw set up for my phone payment each month- but this final bill came to me in paper. I was glad, because I didn't have the money and wanted to call and ask if I could make payments which I had heard you could. I had that bill sitting on my bed for like 4 or 5 days 'meaning' to call them. Finally one morning I knew I had better check the status of my bank account because of something else that may be coming out soon- I have a couple other small auto payments that come out- like the $3. for my website each month, $1.50 from the bank to use an ATM card, and $13. for my truck in California (which I am beyond regrettably praying about selling) So, knowing that I had $29. in my checking account I thought I'd better keep a close eye! When I logged on I saw the $158.70 debited from my account!! I gasped! But my account wasn't negative. Then I saw $158.79 deposit on the same day... Whaaaaat? I thought, "Did T-Mobile debit and then credit the amount right back?" You know how sometimes you go to a restaurant or something and they do that sort of thing...who knows why... but no... it said "Deposit" and I could click to see the ticket. I clicked to see the deposit but it was just a slip- no names on it, no information at all... Then I realized that the deposit amount was .09 cents more than the withdraw. Whaaaaat? I know this sounds nuts...but I totally dig the gal that works at the bank. She really helped me with my accounts before I moved here and was genuinely a treasure used by God the day before I left town. So... I was thinking... who else would have access to my accounts?? Did she see that I was about to go negative and help me out? She knows I'm a missionary- did she like- give me money?! I just had no idea how the exact amount I needed could have been deposited... well several hours later I was able to connect with my mother and low and behold! This miracle was explained...
My brother lives in our childhood home- my mothers residence in the states. He had overpaid the property taxes- so they refunded him, but in a check addressed to my mother. A second and even third check came to that address- again, one with my mothers name on it and a small one to me. My brother took those checks to the bank and directly deposited them into the account ON THE SAME DAY that T-Mobile charged me. It was THE EXACT AMOUNT (plus .09 cents) that was needed! So God gave me EXACTLY what was needed EXACTLY when I needed it. My account did not go negative or get dinged a charge, my bill was paid, and He AGAIN was showing me that HE IS FAITHFUL. He has me. Even with so little in my accounts, even with being in debt for my school fees, He has me. He has WHAT I NEED, WHEN I NEED IT. HE IS SUPER AMAZING AND BEYOND COOL!!! I am humbled to be His servant and tho it cost me sacrifices of my most treasured possessions (my animals and now maybe my truck), the stress and labor, it is SO SO SO SO SO WORTH IT. I cannot wait to see how He works over these next couple of years. It is an emotional road but- hey- it's His road. I am grateful. I am so, so grateful.
I see it's been almost a month since I reported that "I have a plan!" I praise God for it as it gives me direction, although now my brain is hard at work formulating a plan to get me to that plan, hehe. You know, the details. Let's be honest- the money, living arrangements, yard sale, fundraising, and teaching I have to do... good night! Remember when I waited until the last paragraph to bring up money? Blah ha ha! Desperation changes things.
I have a miracle that I want to share, tho...
Okay, so I got out of my cell phone contract because it was too much money a month and switched to a different carrier. (I could do a plug here for my new carrier, but some other time!) So getting out of my contract cost me $100. which was still so much better than paying the high fee each month- so I got out and they sent me a bill about 6 weeks later. It was for the $100. and a pro-rated bill that came to $58. So my bill was $158.70. Now I had an automatic withdraw set up for my phone payment each month- but this final bill came to me in paper. I was glad, because I didn't have the money and wanted to call and ask if I could make payments which I had heard you could. I had that bill sitting on my bed for like 4 or 5 days 'meaning' to call them. Finally one morning I knew I had better check the status of my bank account because of something else that may be coming out soon- I have a couple other small auto payments that come out- like the $3. for my website each month, $1.50 from the bank to use an ATM card, and $13. for my truck in California (which I am beyond regrettably praying about selling) So, knowing that I had $29. in my checking account I thought I'd better keep a close eye! When I logged on I saw the $158.70 debited from my account!! I gasped! But my account wasn't negative. Then I saw $158.79 deposit on the same day... Whaaaaat? I thought, "Did T-Mobile debit and then credit the amount right back?" You know how sometimes you go to a restaurant or something and they do that sort of thing...who knows why... but no... it said "Deposit" and I could click to see the ticket. I clicked to see the deposit but it was just a slip- no names on it, no information at all... Then I realized that the deposit amount was .09 cents more than the withdraw. Whaaaaat? I know this sounds nuts...but I totally dig the gal that works at the bank. She really helped me with my accounts before I moved here and was genuinely a treasure used by God the day before I left town. So... I was thinking... who else would have access to my accounts?? Did she see that I was about to go negative and help me out? She knows I'm a missionary- did she like- give me money?! I just had no idea how the exact amount I needed could have been deposited... well several hours later I was able to connect with my mother and low and behold! This miracle was explained...
My brother lives in our childhood home- my mothers residence in the states. He had overpaid the property taxes- so they refunded him, but in a check addressed to my mother. A second and even third check came to that address- again, one with my mothers name on it and a small one to me. My brother took those checks to the bank and directly deposited them into the account ON THE SAME DAY that T-Mobile charged me. It was THE EXACT AMOUNT (plus .09 cents) that was needed! So God gave me EXACTLY what was needed EXACTLY when I needed it. My account did not go negative or get dinged a charge, my bill was paid, and He AGAIN was showing me that HE IS FAITHFUL. He has me. Even with so little in my accounts, even with being in debt for my school fees, He has me. He has WHAT I NEED, WHEN I NEED IT. HE IS SUPER AMAZING AND BEYOND COOL!!! I am humbled to be His servant and tho it cost me sacrifices of my most treasured possessions (my animals and now maybe my truck), the stress and labor, it is SO SO SO SO SO WORTH IT. I cannot wait to see how He works over these next couple of years. It is an emotional road but- hey- it's His road. I am grateful. I am so, so grateful.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
I have a plan!!
I wonder how many blogs start with, 'Where do I begin?'
I know I have mentioned how God was completely silent regarding my steps after SBS (school of biblical studies). I knew it was because it was going to be something more than I would accept and that when He was ready He would reveal the path for me. Well, He has. (Insert loud 'tah dah' music here.)
If you are one of those who received my first letter regarding coming to school and returning to YWAM it read something along the lines of the fact that I was coming to school to be a counselor and get equipped in order to do so. Well, isn't it always interesting the way God fulfills His purposes for us in ways we would have NEVER imagined? There is so much to say I don't know how to fit it all in, but to spare you all of the details and step by step plays of exactly what happened lets just say that the plan I came with that he 'lovingly asked me to set aside and trust Him' is, after all... NOT the plan....exactly. It's the plan that got me here, and how many times has God done that? Spoken something to get me to walk in a certain direction and then changed the direction. Plenty, I can tell you that. He knows what it's going to take to get me where He wants me.
So- short version- I came here with the plan of getting a degree in biblical counseling from YWAM. It would be costly, unaccredited, but steps towards how I know God uses me. He asked me to set that aside but did not remove His word of calling me 'one who counsels.'
One day in class they introduced a plan that would allow you to go directly into a master's program with a theological seminary. If you 'staffed' for two years (remained with the school as a staff member) after taking an SBS this seminary would allow you to go straight into their masters program because they have seen the benefits this course produces in students who come to them. This got me thinking- wow, what an opportunity. I sent away for information from the school and started dreaming accredited could be possible.
Let me back up for just a moment... I have always been a manual laborer. I have been proud to be a very hard worker and blessed to be able to do so. Growing up we didn't have a lot of money and neither of my parents went to college. We just all...worked really hard. So I remember never believing that college was an option for me. I wasn't super smart- quite average, really, even tho I did have a couple advance courses in school. So I never thought that scholarships were an option nor did I know how to go about getting one. Even in my adult years when people would say, 'you're still young...you could do it.' I thought, "Noooo." I didn't believe it. Starting to think 'accredited degree' is BIG THINKING, folks. But it is only now, at 41, that I believe I really CAN do anything I want- AND I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH HIM WHO STRENGTHENS ME.
Now!... Thinking along these lines and being open to an accredited education I had a divine appointment with the friend of one of our guest teachers. Brilliant men. He told me of an online opportunity that would allow for an accredited degree for a LOT less money than attending a regular university or seminary. I checked it out. I prayed. I sought four spiritual advisers. They prayed. Unanimously it came back to go for accredited. I knew the direction God was leading me- I just wanted confirmation because I KNOW God will not contradict Himself. SO! Again, short version... I have just completed and turned in my application to be a staff with the school of biblical studies for two years. If accepted, I will pour into students who are coming and struggling to learn all that I have been blessed to be learning. I will counsel them in 'one on ones', grade their work, teach...oh, Lord have mercy, and basically get to sit through this entire course again without the pressure of homework!! HALLELUJAH, can I get an Amen?!!! My commitment will be for an initial two years, the first learning the ropes and pouring out and the second I will begin my online education to attain an accredited degree in psychology/counseling.
He's right. I would have never accepted that sooner, hahahahah.
I am excited and nervous.
I will come home for some time during the summer and raise some support. I am going to have a major garage sale and let go of things I need not hold on to anymore. I will teach (God willing 3 times) a 4 hour seminar of the Inductive Bible Study Method that I have learned here. This will allow others a taste of the method and hopefully give them opportunity to decide if they would like to pour into what we do here. I am eager to share all I've learned...well... not ALL of what I've learned... 4 hours isn't 9 months! Ha, but... the concept and results. It's an education that costs $12,000. and I will be doing the seminar for a very small fee to raise funds for next year as well.
That's it, boys and girls. I HAVE A PLAN!! HALLELUJAH I HAVE A PLAN!!! :)
I know I have mentioned how God was completely silent regarding my steps after SBS (school of biblical studies). I knew it was because it was going to be something more than I would accept and that when He was ready He would reveal the path for me. Well, He has. (Insert loud 'tah dah' music here.)
If you are one of those who received my first letter regarding coming to school and returning to YWAM it read something along the lines of the fact that I was coming to school to be a counselor and get equipped in order to do so. Well, isn't it always interesting the way God fulfills His purposes for us in ways we would have NEVER imagined? There is so much to say I don't know how to fit it all in, but to spare you all of the details and step by step plays of exactly what happened lets just say that the plan I came with that he 'lovingly asked me to set aside and trust Him' is, after all... NOT the plan....exactly. It's the plan that got me here, and how many times has God done that? Spoken something to get me to walk in a certain direction and then changed the direction. Plenty, I can tell you that. He knows what it's going to take to get me where He wants me.
So- short version- I came here with the plan of getting a degree in biblical counseling from YWAM. It would be costly, unaccredited, but steps towards how I know God uses me. He asked me to set that aside but did not remove His word of calling me 'one who counsels.'
One day in class they introduced a plan that would allow you to go directly into a master's program with a theological seminary. If you 'staffed' for two years (remained with the school as a staff member) after taking an SBS this seminary would allow you to go straight into their masters program because they have seen the benefits this course produces in students who come to them. This got me thinking- wow, what an opportunity. I sent away for information from the school and started dreaming accredited could be possible.
Let me back up for just a moment... I have always been a manual laborer. I have been proud to be a very hard worker and blessed to be able to do so. Growing up we didn't have a lot of money and neither of my parents went to college. We just all...worked really hard. So I remember never believing that college was an option for me. I wasn't super smart- quite average, really, even tho I did have a couple advance courses in school. So I never thought that scholarships were an option nor did I know how to go about getting one. Even in my adult years when people would say, 'you're still young...you could do it.' I thought, "Noooo." I didn't believe it. Starting to think 'accredited degree' is BIG THINKING, folks. But it is only now, at 41, that I believe I really CAN do anything I want- AND I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH HIM WHO STRENGTHENS ME.
Now!... Thinking along these lines and being open to an accredited education I had a divine appointment with the friend of one of our guest teachers. Brilliant men. He told me of an online opportunity that would allow for an accredited degree for a LOT less money than attending a regular university or seminary. I checked it out. I prayed. I sought four spiritual advisers. They prayed. Unanimously it came back to go for accredited. I knew the direction God was leading me- I just wanted confirmation because I KNOW God will not contradict Himself. SO! Again, short version... I have just completed and turned in my application to be a staff with the school of biblical studies for two years. If accepted, I will pour into students who are coming and struggling to learn all that I have been blessed to be learning. I will counsel them in 'one on ones', grade their work, teach...oh, Lord have mercy, and basically get to sit through this entire course again without the pressure of homework!! HALLELUJAH, can I get an Amen?!!! My commitment will be for an initial two years, the first learning the ropes and pouring out and the second I will begin my online education to attain an accredited degree in psychology/counseling.
He's right. I would have never accepted that sooner, hahahahah.
I am excited and nervous.
I will come home for some time during the summer and raise some support. I am going to have a major garage sale and let go of things I need not hold on to anymore. I will teach (God willing 3 times) a 4 hour seminar of the Inductive Bible Study Method that I have learned here. This will allow others a taste of the method and hopefully give them opportunity to decide if they would like to pour into what we do here. I am eager to share all I've learned...well... not ALL of what I've learned... 4 hours isn't 9 months! Ha, but... the concept and results. It's an education that costs $12,000. and I will be doing the seminar for a very small fee to raise funds for next year as well.
That's it, boys and girls. I HAVE A PLAN!! HALLELUJAH I HAVE A PLAN!!! :)
Friday, March 1, 2013
Those days are gone.
Oops!! Sorry it's been so long!! It's a bit crazy after all...
Just an encouragement to let you know that God is speaking, even if it isn't always what I want to hear. Yesterday I was doing my laundry- the laundry room is attached to a classroom because YWAM will put a classroom anywhere, hehe... so for 10 minutes as I folded my laundry I could hear the speaker talking and it blessed me more than my own work! He was saying, "So... why doesn't God speak audibly? Anyone? Why doesn't God speak out loud so we can hear him?" I was like, 'oh this is going to be good.' So there were a couple answers I couldn't really hear, then he says. "We don't know. We don't really know why God doesn't speak audibly but here is my take on it..." Now you need to know that for the last months I have been begging God to speak to me regarding what to "do" next. Which course, outreach, staff, online education...begging. He has been silent on this matter. Absolutely silent... it's driving me crazy. I am like, GOD!! Just tell me what to do and I will do it!!! Tell me where to go and I will go!! So this speaker says, "If I could hear God... He'd be like, 'Kenny- this is what I want you to do.' and I'd be like, 'Yes, Sir.' and I'd do it. 'Kenny- this is where I want you to go.' and I'd be like, 'Yes, Sir.' and I'd go. But God doesn't want Robots. God doesn't want people He can just order around...God wants relationship...and if I can't hear Him audibly it forces me to seek Him. It forces me to be intentional and sit still spending time with Him." I was like. Grrrr. I get it.
You would think that because I quit my job, sacrificed my animals, and came to study the word of God that I am just hanging out with God all day every day and how wonderful that must be!! But truthfully- it's not like that at all. I mean- I talk to God all the time... but my 'quiet time'... well... I don't really get any. Remember that last quarter I had 5 roommates, well this quarter we have a common area with our other female classmates which is awesome, except now technically I have 11 roommates- kinda. Finding somewhere on this campus to be 'quiet' is noooooot really something I have found. Some nights I get in bed and have to apologize to God for how little He heard from me that day. I hate it. I miss Him in some ways. I do feel Him more in the work than I used to- but not as thoroughly as I hope to.
So today we were in the book of Ezra and I got sideswiped. I am debating giving you the long or short version...I have this thing against blog entries that are too long...let's just say it got to the end where they 'send' their wives and children away- and I got really, really angry. When the teacher asked if there were any questions I raised my hand and started to process but she could tell where I was going- so she asked me to wait because she was headed there. I did, but by the time she came back to me to see if she had answered my question I was so twisted I knew I couldn't speak with out being ugly and crying. So I just didn't. I couldn't get out of class fast enough. As I walked up the stairs to lunch I had a wave of anxiety flood me and I thought, 'oh, I can't even go to lunch.' It was all I could do to hold it together long enough to get back to my room, drop the sheet around my bunk (that blocks out the room) and lose it. Completely. "What is wrong with me??!!!" I start having it out, processing with God-praying none of my roommates walk in because I don't want to explain or for them to hear me. I realized I had to get out of here- so- I blew off my homework and headed to find a place where I could be alone and talk out loud with God. So, so hard to do here. I have just NOT found this place.
Long story short... I spent the entire afternoon with my Lord. How I love to do that- Sunday mornings are the only time I can find to do it normally. It is like Gold. It took 3 whole hours just to wind down and get to a quiet spirit. I felt like I have forgotten how to have a silence and solitude which is what I REALLY need. Days of just Him and me... hearing what He says so clearly...so tuned in. I was finally hearing Him, seeing Him, finally. My issues today all go back to abandonment. They sent their wives and children away and it just tapped into the perceived rejection of my father; the Hebrews leaving those children fatherless pissed me off. And then of the men in my past. Men who said they would be something in covenant- and weren't. I wanted those Hebrews to grow a pair and say, "Hey- you married a Hebrew- and in THIS house, we serve YHWH." I wanted that in my own house. Funny what will rip open a wound. Or wounds.
I have been dreaming every single night of being back in the grocery business. Finally yesterday morning in that in between state where I hear God so clearly I asked Him why I keep dreaming of grocery? He answered, "Because it was a time when you knew what you were doing- and you were confident in it." Ah. Yes. Perfect sense. Those days are gone.
Just an encouragement to let you know that God is speaking, even if it isn't always what I want to hear. Yesterday I was doing my laundry- the laundry room is attached to a classroom because YWAM will put a classroom anywhere, hehe... so for 10 minutes as I folded my laundry I could hear the speaker talking and it blessed me more than my own work! He was saying, "So... why doesn't God speak audibly? Anyone? Why doesn't God speak out loud so we can hear him?" I was like, 'oh this is going to be good.' So there were a couple answers I couldn't really hear, then he says. "We don't know. We don't really know why God doesn't speak audibly but here is my take on it..." Now you need to know that for the last months I have been begging God to speak to me regarding what to "do" next. Which course, outreach, staff, online education...begging. He has been silent on this matter. Absolutely silent... it's driving me crazy. I am like, GOD!! Just tell me what to do and I will do it!!! Tell me where to go and I will go!! So this speaker says, "If I could hear God... He'd be like, 'Kenny- this is what I want you to do.' and I'd be like, 'Yes, Sir.' and I'd do it. 'Kenny- this is where I want you to go.' and I'd be like, 'Yes, Sir.' and I'd go. But God doesn't want Robots. God doesn't want people He can just order around...God wants relationship...and if I can't hear Him audibly it forces me to seek Him. It forces me to be intentional and sit still spending time with Him." I was like. Grrrr. I get it.
You would think that because I quit my job, sacrificed my animals, and came to study the word of God that I am just hanging out with God all day every day and how wonderful that must be!! But truthfully- it's not like that at all. I mean- I talk to God all the time... but my 'quiet time'... well... I don't really get any. Remember that last quarter I had 5 roommates, well this quarter we have a common area with our other female classmates which is awesome, except now technically I have 11 roommates- kinda. Finding somewhere on this campus to be 'quiet' is noooooot really something I have found. Some nights I get in bed and have to apologize to God for how little He heard from me that day. I hate it. I miss Him in some ways. I do feel Him more in the work than I used to- but not as thoroughly as I hope to.
So today we were in the book of Ezra and I got sideswiped. I am debating giving you the long or short version...I have this thing against blog entries that are too long...let's just say it got to the end where they 'send' their wives and children away- and I got really, really angry. When the teacher asked if there were any questions I raised my hand and started to process but she could tell where I was going- so she asked me to wait because she was headed there. I did, but by the time she came back to me to see if she had answered my question I was so twisted I knew I couldn't speak with out being ugly and crying. So I just didn't. I couldn't get out of class fast enough. As I walked up the stairs to lunch I had a wave of anxiety flood me and I thought, 'oh, I can't even go to lunch.' It was all I could do to hold it together long enough to get back to my room, drop the sheet around my bunk (that blocks out the room) and lose it. Completely. "What is wrong with me??!!!" I start having it out, processing with God-praying none of my roommates walk in because I don't want to explain or for them to hear me. I realized I had to get out of here- so- I blew off my homework and headed to find a place where I could be alone and talk out loud with God. So, so hard to do here. I have just NOT found this place.
Long story short... I spent the entire afternoon with my Lord. How I love to do that- Sunday mornings are the only time I can find to do it normally. It is like Gold. It took 3 whole hours just to wind down and get to a quiet spirit. I felt like I have forgotten how to have a silence and solitude which is what I REALLY need. Days of just Him and me... hearing what He says so clearly...so tuned in. I was finally hearing Him, seeing Him, finally. My issues today all go back to abandonment. They sent their wives and children away and it just tapped into the perceived rejection of my father; the Hebrews leaving those children fatherless pissed me off. And then of the men in my past. Men who said they would be something in covenant- and weren't. I wanted those Hebrews to grow a pair and say, "Hey- you married a Hebrew- and in THIS house, we serve YHWH." I wanted that in my own house. Funny what will rip open a wound. Or wounds.
I have been dreaming every single night of being back in the grocery business. Finally yesterday morning in that in between state where I hear God so clearly I asked Him why I keep dreaming of grocery? He answered, "Because it was a time when you knew what you were doing- and you were confident in it." Ah. Yes. Perfect sense. Those days are gone.
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