Blue Underwear

I’m not sure many people can actually trace back to the day their life shifted but I can.  I mean, I think most of us can say ‘when my parents divorced’ or ‘when I lost my virginity’ or even ‘when I got my first job or car.’  Absolutely those are life changing events that can lead to new directions.  But I can trace the cruciality in my life back to a pair of blue underwear.  Oh, I’m serious. 

At the end of my 8^th grade year I tried out for cheer-leading for freshman year.  I made it- and that next week at school I remember people talking to me who had never bothered to talk to me before.  I remember thinking, “what the heck is going on?”   I certainly hadn’t spread the news about being chosen and I didn’t know who was talking.  I also didn’t realize it was such a big deal that it would change anything very much.  Not to that extent, anyway…but it did. 

Freshman year was fun.  High School brought hundreds of new kids into the fish pond that I had gone all the way through elementary and jr. high with.  Being a cheerleader was fun, although confusing at times.  We didn’t have a lot of money and I found myself grateful that I was on a squad where nobody else really did to a great extent either.  We were a rag tag 5 girls from totally different backgrounds.  I still had my best friend from elementary school but she was more ‘mod’ than ‘cheerleader-y’.  She probably found us a little ridiculous. haha  But cheer-leading was good for me.  It kept me motivated to maintain good grades.  It got me involved in school events like games and dances.  It even brought a bit of attention that I sincerely didn’t notice…until it was gone.  Well, okay, I noticed it at the first rally when everyone threw pennies at us as tradition demanded.  Not cool when they pelt you in the head.

At the end of freshman year it was time to try out for sophomore squad.  This time we had a choice to try out for Song or Yell.  I chose Song.  (Yell was the traditional cheerleader and Song was more of the dance routines, etc.)  I had always taken dance at a kid and had a natural knack for it.  Plus I LOVED music and found a real joy in the dance routines we did.  Each of us prepared a number of our own making and finally the day came to try out.  Some girls float through all four years of being a cheerleader.  It’s pretty automatic that they will make it.  Buzz in the audition room was floating around about who was best and who would make it.  I remember a girl saying to me that I would make it for sure and I felt pretty confident that I might.  When you went out to audition there was a group of senior girls who were the judges along with one teacher, who was the head of the cheerleaders.  I am going to refrain from using names to protect the not so innocent.  After performing your routine there were a series of questions you had to answer.  Testing the character of a girl and not just her skill.  After my routine, which had gone fairly well I guess in that everything went as planned, no hitches; I stood for my series of questions.  All of the girls were laughing.  I wasn’t sure what had happened.  My routine had gone well.  I knew these girls from the previous year of squad.  I didn’t know what they were laughing at.  The laughter stifled and whispers started.  I heard one strong red-headed senior say, “I’ll do it, I’ll do it.”  Okay here we go.  She confidently asked me…about my underwear.  “Do you always wear blue underwear with white shorts?” she sneered to an outburst of laughter from the other girls.  My honest answer out of anxiety and loathing was, “No!!  I can explain… I can explain…”

That morning I had dressed and then grabbed the patriotic colored clothes of my school for auditions.  After school I walked home with a friend who lived near school so we could change and freshen up at her house.  While changing I realized…oh no.  I had navy blue underwear and my shorts where white.  Rule number one, right?!   So I slightly freaked out, but calmly asked my friend if I could borrow a pair of white underwear!!  It was awkward, I know, and some girls would have thought nothing of it- but this friend wasn’t comfortable loaning me any panties.  There was NO WAY I would ever make it all the way home and back in time.   So… off to the auditions I went…with blue underwear and white shorts.  Thus…during my whole audition…it wasn’t the hard earned routine they noticed at all but the lack of etiquette in my dress.  The scores are for things like “skill, rhythm, spirit, APPEARANCE, etc.”  So obviously, for appearance, I must have received all zeros.  Needless to say, I didn’t make the squad.  It was devastating to say the least.  Not just not making it- but the humiliation with which the news came.  After the squads had been announced the Teacher flatly told me, “You should have tried for Yell.” 

I was crushed.  My friends… my life… gone. 

Sophomore year started and I was truly lost.  You wouldn’t think it would be that big of a deal but looking back I can clearly see how lost I actually was.  This is the year I tried alcohol for the first time.  This is the year all my friends were only friends I had THAT year.  I rebelled.  I did poorly in school.  I was sent to live with my dad for a time because my mom had had it with me.  It was the only year I had to do summer school to make up for how poorly I had actually done during the school year.  I didn’t know who I was and I didn’t have a guideline or guidance to show me.  I floundered.  I adopted the attitude of, ‘if you can’t beat them- join them’ and started listening to heavy metal like my brothers and started smoking pot as well.  By junior year I was a full blown rocker and had found my identity.  It worked for me- and lasted through my senior year.  I didn’t care to go to college.  I didn’t believe I could.  I knew that working was my future and so I started in on a grocery career. 

You wouldn’t think that any of this would matter now- but what it does it show me how fragile we are as young people and how influence, or lack thereof, really can make all the difference in direction and choices we make.  Those were the years we didn’t go to church as a family.  Those were the years I didn’t have youth group.  Those were the years I believed in Jesus- but not enough to allow Him to comfort my pain.  I chose whatever source available to me in the moment.  Boys, drugs, lack of education. 

I’ve been looking at old pictures and remembering old decisions.  Thinking about what I would do differently if I could.  When I trace it all back- when I look for the cruciality that changed my path-  I really can trace it back to a pair of blue underwear. 

I wish I could say something brilliant about identity and choices.  About how had I been closer to Jesus and had my solid identity in Him-those girls laughter wouldn’t have wounded me so, or cheer-leading wouldn’t have been my answer to a straight path.   About how quickly a choice (like which underwear you wear that day) could affect the direction of your life!  But alas, I just am so, so, so grateful- that today I so totally DO know who I am.  Today if a gal called me out on my blue underwear I’d laugh with her- or sock her in the nose- I don’t know I go back and forth ;)  I’M KIDDING.  I NEVER wear dark underwear with light clothes so that would NEVER happen.  hehe. 

Thank you, Jesus!  That my identity is in YOU.  Thank You, for being my guidance and for healing the wounds in my soul that led to false beliefs of who I was or my worth or ability.  Thank You!!!! 

Palm Desert Christmas

Merry Christmas!

I am laying on my bed in Palm Desert looking out at the gorgeous mountain view.  I am so grateful to be here.  Having been in Hawaii for the last couple of years the routine of ‘where to go for Christmas’ has gotten a bit thrown off.  Changes in life or situation can do that.  I’m down here visiting my “other parents”… my parents in-love.  They are my former husband’s parents and we have a very special relationship.  They are precious to me and when they asked if I would like to come for Christmas I was overjoyed!  The first year in Hawaii I got to fly home for Christmas which was great because my Mother was here from the Netherlands and we actually had Christmas.  The second year my parents in-love came to Hawaii and flew me over to Oahu for the week.  We had a blast.  But this year I was at a loss… without my Mom at home we wouldn’t actually have a dinner at our house.  My grandparents are all gone so there is nowhere to go in that aspect.   My oldest brother goes to his in-laws, my second brother tends to go to my Dad’s, and I have no idea where my third brother goes but he’s got a woman and probably goes to my Dad’s too…  So, I was thrilled to come to PD.  My ex and I came here for Christmas many of our married years and it definitely feels like Christmas. A warm Christmas, YEAH!!!!!

Yesterday for Christmas Day we drove to L.A. to an Aunt and Uncles.  There were all of the family members of my former husband and I wondered a bit how they would feel with me being there and certainly would never want to offend.  Everyone was so nice.  In all honestly, I could tell they didn’t all know who I was, hahahaha.  After all it’s been at least 3 or 4 years since I’ve seen them and I look totally different now.  (Short hair and glasses)  One cousin completely didn’t recognize me and called me, “Hollywood.”  Umm, no… but thanks!  I said, “Well I certainly don’t have a Hollywood paycheck.”  It was so amazing to connect with them again and had wondered honestly if I would ever even see them again.  It was so great. 

A highlight of the week was the blessing of buying my new 4Runner!! woot woot.  Anyone who knows me well knows that the Tacoma that I drove for 11 years was well loved by me and selling it in HI was something I never thought I would do- but I needed the money for medical bills and God orchestrated the timing so I have been without a car for the last six months.  I had my Mom’s car to drive when needed, but how humbling it is to not have your own vehicle. 

It’s quite a story, but one long enough for its own blog, so I won’t go into details now… I just want to say how grateful I am to have this AWESOME car, fully loaded, and be totally spoiled by God’s favor. 

Today we will relax as it has been a completely full week, my poor body! hehe (when did I get this old?) and tonight we will go to “The Festival of Lights.”  I hope we get one more chance to go to our favorite restaurant, “Don Diego’s in Indian Wells.”  The only thing lacking is me getting a margarita there!  With my health in the last several months I have not been drinking at all.  It’s just not beneficial or worth it. 

I pray everyone had a great Christmas.  It’s such an intense time of year.  I always think of those who are homeless, or cold and don’t know where their next meal is coming from.  Those who have kids and no money for gifts- how I pray they know the true meaning of Christmas.  I see how someone who is loved by so many can still end up alone on Christmas Day and know how easy it is to feel lonely.  I think of those who are infertile but are forced to face all of their little nieces and nephews running around.  It’s just a tough time of year for so many and I pray that they may know comfort.  These are the things I am grateful for as I remember Jesus being born in a manger.  A manger!  Just feet from cow poop!!!  All for me.  All for each of the people I just described.  For ALL of us.  How grateful I am to know it, to have the ability to embrace it, to walk in it every day. 

Merry Christmas, Friends.  Happy New Year- 2015. 

Mark My Words...

So…this ‘in between’ business is taking its toll.  I know there will always be seasons of ‘being in between’ in life but good gravy this one is humbling me (which I am sure is partly the point.) 

I have been quite blessed in my careers.  I started as a bagger at 15 and worked in grocery stores for the next 16 years.  I worked in almost every department at one point or another and there are days I truly do miss it; but at the time it was kicking my butt (what a physical job it is!) and I cannot say I miss customers being so rude!  (Ya’ll know who you are.) Plus I didn’t know who I could be outside of grocery and I didn’t want a 15 year old girl to determine what I would do for the rest of my life. 

From there I walked clearly into YWAM and missions business in 2004 thinking it would be my path- until I allowed myself to get caught in a tangled web, getting sidetracked- but even then, God in His mercy walked me RIGHT into Bethany Christian Services.  Without even seeking a job He gave me the best one I could have asked for!  For 6 years I was blessed to be the front desk superstar surrounded by the most amazing group of women who remain my dear friends.  When it was time I went back to YWAM thinking… Ok!  THIS is it… THIS is what I am meant to be doing and for two years it was absolutely true.  Until it wasn’t- and God brought me home.  Again.

I know people from Modesto will understand when I say it’s like the Mob.  Just when you think you’re out- it sucks you back in again!!  Hehe

Back to allergies, back to the cold.  Back to McHenry, Briggsmore, and Staniford.  Back to Bethany Christian Services as well… a different job, but one I am grateful and blessed by. 

Still, I went from living in community, barely able to find alone time, working from the time I got up until I went to bed…to working from home and being alone 20 hours a day.  Don’t get me wrong- neither sucks- but they are vastly different and it is quite the adjustment!  Still, I am confident that God has me exactly where He wants me and has been teaching me to Slow Down for Pitties Sake!!!  But, slowing down is hard for a goer.  My body insists I am not who I used to be and the ‘going’ of my past is no longer.  I have to find new ways to stimulate my mind and body while not rushing ahead of the Lord’s plan.  I’m trying to not get discouraged and dream new dreams. 

It’s just that I’m 43, and I thought I’d know what I was supposed to be doing by now.  (Can’t you hear God chuckling.) 

I took one of those tests: ‘best jobs for personality types.’  I’m a INFT.  Introvert (oh, yes I am, trust me) INtuitive, Feeler, Thinker.  This is the list of careers best suited for me:  Writer, Counselor/Social Worker, Teacher, Psychologist/Phsychiatrist, Musician, Clergy/Religious worker.  Now, if you know me, you are with me in saying, “Wow” and laughing a bit because I have done everything on this list to some extent at one time or another (minus the degree for a Psychologist/chiatrist).  It’s a trip, boys and girls.  I haven’t blogged, because there hasn’t been much outward change.  But I feel a very definite shift in my inner man.  Something is coming.  Something big.  It’s gonna take a couple of years to fully develop- but I know that in two years time- EVERYTHING will have changed.

Mark my words.  

Season of Waiting

I heard God speak to me in the in between sleeping and waking state.  “You’re in a season of wait.”

As most things do in that state; regardless of the reality it makes perfect sense. All of a sudden all of my restlessness and frustration in these last days made perfect sense.  I have been and am…waiting.  Much is to be learned in the waiting.

I don’t know if you are one of those beautifully graceful people who have the gift of patience.  I… am not.  I can be patient with the old person in line in front of me.  I can be patient with a puppy who had an accident on the rug.  These beings cannot help their state and are in process, like the rest of us.  But when it comes to me; where I’m headed, what I’m responsible for, what I want… I really suck at patience.  It is a fruit of the spirit that has challenged me for years.  God in His mercy has patience with me!  But He is faithful to bring opportunity to grow and good gravy am I in one.

When I got sick I was in bed for a month.  I lost all of June but I could hear my friends laughing and socializing just a wall over.  It felt like I was losing my sanity and as though I may never be well again…but I could hear their banter and bursts of laughter.  I was so jealous and so pissed off all at the same time.  I was waiting to be well and wondering if I would ever laugh again, seriously.  I was waiting to be well enough to fly home.  Then waiting to get into my doctors.  September was in question and what I would be doing or not doing.  I was waiting for direction and clarity. 

Lately, I have been so restless.  I know that I know that I know that I am where I am supposed to be.  But home again in between ‘purposes’ is a really tough spot to be.  God has told me, “You need to get over location.  I can use you anywhere.”  It’s strange, tho, because the transition isn’t just in my physical location it’s in my heart and mind.  My work for Him is valid- even if not grand.  It’s embarrassing to say that because OF COURSE it’s true, but humbling to come to.  

Now that I’m “home” I have the opportunity to get one of my fur babies back.  I would have NEVER dreamed it possible or asked for it; but God in His complete understanding of the heart He created has made a way for my son to come home… it is a gift I dared not dream.  So… I have to get a place where I can have a dog.  I have looked around to get an idea of what is available.  I cannot afford much- but God totally knows what I can afford and what I can’t.  He already knows where I will live; and I’m not holding out- I trust Him for good things.  Beauty, safety, amazing landlord, a place for my boy to run around.  A mother-in-law unit would be perfect!  I’m waiting…for the right place.  I’m waiting… to bring my boy home and every day that he is not with me now, is felt.

I want to buy a car.  (I’m trusting for a truck! ;)  I don’t say I NEED to, because graciously my Mom is allowing me to use hers-but I don’t want to put a ton of miles on it or have anything happen to it on my watch!  I’m waiting… for the right deal.

My traveler’s medical insurance that I had last year is taking their time to pay the medical bills from my health crash.  So until I know what they will and won’t pay I am waiting to know how much money I actually have and how much money I need for bills.  (Why do they take months and months for this stuff?)  So I don’t really know what I have for a deposit on a place or a car… I’m waiting. 

Please hear me when I say I’m grateful.

I’m grateful to have a home to be in while I wait.

I’m grateful for traveler’s insurance that may pay my medical bills.

I’m grateful for a car to get to where I really need to go while I don’t have one of my own.

I’m grateful for the hope of bringing my boy home even if he isn’t with me yet… he is in a good place.

I realize how truly blessed I am in these things. 

The SBS (school of biblical studies) is starting to gather now in Kona.  The next phase of my job there would be starting now.  It’s hard to see them all travel there and reconnect.  It’s hard to not be a part of it.  It’s hard when you believe some place has become home only to be shifted back to where you thought you’d left.  Obedience means doing what you should when you should.  Being a missionary means going where there is a need, even if that’s Home again. 

I’m waiting for my next step.  I’m waiting for my feelings to catch up with my actions. 

I’m house sitting this week and there are these birds outside.  I’m not sure if they are doves or pigeons. 

It’s been precious but hard to watch them.  There is a Mommy, Daddy, and baby.  The nest has fallen twice.  This is the second time and they are not attempting to reconstruct it.   The baby is on the ground under some bushes.  I’ve been wondering the last couple of days if the Mommy knows where it is because she doesn’t stay with it.  What if a cat comes?  But this morning for the first time I saw her come and feed it- then immediately fly away.  She stays a rooftop away.  This poor baby kept calling for her- then realizes she is not returning and stops and goes back under the bush.  He’s alone most of the time- just waddles around- doesn’t know fully how to fly yet.  I was thinking it would die with no food or protection.  But Momma comes- just in time with just enough substance and contact to sustain life. 

I feel like the baby bird.  Waiting, waiting, sitting in the same spot all day not knowing what to do. 

But God comes with just enough of what I need when I need it to sustain me. 

It’s so hard not to rush out and buy bird seed.  To try and help in some way- but nature has its way.  Momma knows what’s going on with baby bird even if I don’t see it happening.  Soon baby will be past the point of sitting all day.  His wings will develop fully and his strength will sustain him to fly.  In the meantime, he waits.  He’s patient under his little bush.  Nature must take its course.   It seems like that little bird is doing nothing- but something is happening.  Every day, every hour, he is growing…and when the time is right… he will fly. 

Oh, Lord… I trust You.  I wait. 

Do you believe it?

I don't know if you believe in Miracles... but I do.
I know not all of my friends believe in God, in Jesus Christ, and I get that.  I love it best when even though we don't see eye to eye on what we believe we can be in relationship.  Most often it seems to me that those I know who don't believe- want to- they just haven't been given the evidence they want to fully embrace what I know as Truth or perhaps were 'burned' somehow in the past and I get that, too.  It sucks... I'm sorry on behalf of all those who failed you or contributed to a hurt in your life that has kept you from the freedom and blessings I know.  Even in suffering. 
These last couple of months have been rough for me.  My perspective is straight- it could have been worse.  I am not dying in pain, losing any limbs, vision, or getting chemo.  But I have started praying harder for those who are!  However, my suffering has been valid- and through it I have seen such grace.  I just don't know how I could have done it without God's comfort and your prayers.  I sincerely don't believe I could have. 
I want to tell you how good God is, and how miraculously personal He is. 
When my health crashed- everything halted.  It's amazing how unimportant things become.  Who cares if I showered, what my hair looks like, if I'm wearing make-up.  I just want to feel good.  Not even good, just okay.  Just enough to function.  Hour after  hour watching the clock- recording what hour you took which supplement.  Waiting for it to kick in.  Counting the time it starts to wear off before taking the next one.  The anxiety about taking too much, not enough, and anything at all.  I don't ever want to forget these things because someone somewhere is living it right now...and they need our love, concern, attention, and prayers.  
I have moved from suffering to functioning and it is NO SMALL THING.  It is life. 

When my health crashed so did my future.  Everything planned was up in the air with a ton of questions.  What is God doing, allowing, wanting to teach me?  When will I be okay?  When will I be able to get home to my doctors? What does this mean for Sept? (when the next school starts)  It was obvious that my only goal was to get healthy and everything else goes on the back burner.  Period. My thoughts and prayers for Sept. had been to live alone.  For my sanity and introvert qualities I knew I needed to find a quiet place.  Living in community is awesome but it takes its toll.  So in my prayers I would always ask that whatever it was would be 'too good to be true.'  I had learned years ago with the purchase of my truck that God doesn't just concern Himself with what we need, but what we want as well.  So I was praying big- that it would be affordable, beautiful, just... too good to be true.  Better than I could get for myself. 
I left Kona not knowing if I would be back in Sept.  I made a two year commitment to staff and served only one- but I knew that my health would be priority.  I also asked God to make it Absolutely Clear what He would have me do- because if there is one thing I have learned it is that being in the center of His will is the BEST place to be and I don't ever want to be anywhere else!  He told me He was, 'shifting gears and that I needed to trust Him.'  *sigh*  Okay.  This is where it gets tricky to express the magnitude of what He has done and make it brief enough that you aren't reading all day.  Because I could give details, friends. 
I kept praying that whatever would happen would be completely by His hand, so that I would know it was Him and not me.  So that I would KNOW that it was His will.  As you may or may not remember- I work in the evenings online chatting with girls who are pregnant and seeking services in their area and considering their options.  This is a great job.  It paid for my portion of the rent last year and I always thought it would be the greatest thing to do this full time.  But, I am fortunate for the few hours I do get to do it.  My boss for this job (shout out, Kathy!) is such a blessing.  She and her prayer group have been praying for my health.  What an absolute blessing to have people you have never met praying for you. 
A couple of things have come up that I could do.  One in Kona, one here, and each time I heard the Lord ask me, "Leah... is this too good to be true?" I would think, then answer, "No.  It's really not."  Then I would have peace about not doing that thing.  I trusted Him to answer my prayer.  Finally, and again, details are being left out for time, I thought I should email my boss and just let her know what I was thinking.  I mean, what if they would consider me- but know how busy I was and think I wouldn't consider more hours with them.  I didn't want to email, because I didn't want to step out in front of God.  I asked that whatever it would be would come from HIM.  But... I really felt the pull to email.  So, I did.  It was a poorly written email with much hemming and hawing.  My boss, emailed me back the next morning.  Kathy had a need of her own.  She had needed help with the Live Chat for over a year.  She had shared with her prayer group that she really needed God to hand her the right person.  Just... hand them to her on a silver platter.  Her prayers were big as well.  She said, 'she dared to whisper' that 'if Leah could stay in Ca. and work for her' that it would be... well, my words, too good to be true.  She thought it "too selfish" a request.  So, the prayer team prayed and asked that 'if it be God's will- it would come from Leah' and there I was, emailing her for just that.  The possibility of working for her more.  We both laughed and cried in awe of God
Why is this such a miracle?
He roused both of our hearts with the same desire- at the same time- both thinking it wasn't possible because it was too perfect.
I get to work from home; so my body doesn't have the stress of getting anywhere by a certain time.
Even on 'migraine days' I hope to be able to function in this way.
I sold my truck for medical bills- but I don't need a car to show up for work.
This is the most 'missional part' of what I used to do.  It is the most 'man on the street' aspect.
AND it will give me benefits!!  (Can I get a HUGE AMEN?!!)
When I realized- ugh even now I tear.  When I realized this all, I literally fell on my face weeping- because it was absolutely- 'too good to be true.'
This is a miracle.  I know some of you won't think so; but I'm telling you it is.  It is so perfectly orchestrated in ways my boss and I could never- WOULD never have thought possible.  The timing, the way it meets both of our needs.  The details in which it meets the needs of my health.  God is at work both in us and for us.  He is able, MORE than able, to accomplish ALL that concerns us.  He is WILLING to meet us and be real with us.  He is WANTING to give generously to us, His children.  He goes before us on our behalf in ways we cannot and would not know to go.  He is generous.  He is REAL. 
His ways are not our ways and you may have had suffering or abuse that causes you to say, "Yeah, where was He when I was suffering?  When that person did that to me?  When my loved one suffered and died?"  HE WAS THERE.  I'm telling you, HE WAS THERE.  And it hurt Him, every bit the amount it hurt you.  He does not enjoy our suffering.  He does not sit back and think punishing thoughts like, "Oh, well.  He/She deserves it."  That thought process is an earthly mentality from people and experiences you have known and it is from the pit of hell.  I rebuke it now, in Jesus name, and PRAY that you will receive some truth from this silly attempt to express what I know to be true. 
God loves you.
He really does.
He's not hung up on your crap- you are.
I have done everything wrong in my life.  Seriously, everything.
He doesn't care.  He's over it.  It's me that is working it out in my heart and mind.
He is blessing my socks off, because He can.  Because He wants to. 
It is not an inconvenience for Him to care for me and provide for me. 
So He does.  Why?  Because I ask Him to.  I trust Him to.  Big Time. 
Because I believe that Jesus Christ was who He said He was- and I say so.  (Romans 10:9) 
That's it.  That's all.  Romans 10:9
Whew... didn't realize it was going to turn into all that- but I prayed before I started typing so I can say with absolute confidence that if you are moved, as I am, that God was speaking directly to YOU today.  These words, this movement, has been of His Spirit because of Who He is... not me. 
That's how He does it, folks.  Because He loves you.