To go on outreach, or not to go on outreach... that is the question.
Normally when you take a course through YWAM the automatic conclusion is a field assessment (aka outreach, a mission trip.) The purpose is to apply all that you have just learned and accomplished in your lecture phase in the mission field. It is not an easy accomplishment. It is not for the purpose of 'visiting another country' or 'bringing back souvenirs.' It is to see all that God wants to accomplish in that place through your team, and yourself in a land where, most likely, the inhabitants have not been given the privileged freedom that we have to hear or experience 'religion' in any ol' way we please or don't please. I have been so blessed over the years to experience these trips to foreign lands, and it is amazing what God does. I have memories and stories of ripples in lives changed because he chose to use a little gal from Modesto, California. He is truly able to do all things ;)
My course, the Chronological Study of Biblical Studies is rare in many ways but one is that the outreach is not required. It is optional. My intention right off the bat was not to go- if it's not required, that is money I can put towards my next course...and let's face it... I don't have that money. I have always known, that if I had the money, I would go. Of course, I would go. There is nothing that compares to sharing genuine love and truth with those who are so hurting. To seeing God accomplish healing and transformation before your eyes. Don't get me wrong, I know guys that do that every week right down town on 9th Street in Modesto- and it is an absolute battlefield and mission calling. This week, our leaders started talking about our outreach. Introducing us to the idea and what we do on an SBS (school of Biblical studies) outreach. They were saying how historically they have gone to other countries and taught pastors how to study the bible so that they can go back to their villages and study themselves and teach. They have been to China and locked down for two weeks to teach these warriors, these secret men of God, so they can go back to their underground churches and lead, teach, and sow into lives. The concept of being a part of that is... beyond what I can type here. This is it. This is what I'm talking about. This is what I have left home, my family, my animals, my job, my...life...for. To build a new one- to learn, grow, and GO. Ordinary people with an ordinary tool doing extraordinary things!!!
Tonight several of my classmates all got together after working all week to prepare for a fundraiser for a few students in our class that have yet to reach their student fees for this quarter. If they don't get the money by tomorrow afternoon, they have to go home. I keep thinking, next quarter that could be me. I don't have all my fees. The quarter after that I have no money for at all. It is strange and terribly uncomfortable for someone with a 'work' mentality to be called to something that requires gifts and financial support from others. It is- painful sometimes. To speak with those who have done it for umpteen years here, they have wise words and stories of faith. I know I will get there, but being raised by the parents I have- and rightly so- that you work, its tough. You earn it. Even culturally our identities are bound by 'so, what do you do?' and how much we earn. If we aren't working or producing something we aren't valid. Well. Nothing could be more valid than bringing new life to those who have lost all hope. Nothing could be more valid than schooling to be equipped for such a calling. Nothing could ever compare to taking the word of God to an underground pastor who has no other way of learning.
I know you are waiting for it... that moment where I tell you how much I need and how much I want YOU to give. It's not going to happen. It's just not. What I will tell you is all I can tell you.
I am committed.
I am committed to doing absolutely everything God calls me to do. I am committed to stepping out in any uncomfortable way. I am committed to completing this course, to continuing to struggle and press in. To going where others don't want to and talking to those others won't.
See, God knows this about me. He knows I am just full of piss and vinegar enough to do it, too. I can't do it without Him. Without His strength, His guidance, and, of course, His provision. He knows that if He tells me to jump... I will do it. He knows that if He shows me a path, I will walk in it. I might complain a bit, I might hem and haw for a few, but I WILL DO IT. Oh, the discomfort. The tears. The warfare.
But it will happen.
So, what I AM asking of you... is to pray. So often we say, 'oh, I'm praying for you!' But seriously. PLEASE. Make an intentional 5 minutes a day to pray for me. Write it on your fridge, on your mirror, on a post it note at your desk. Please. 5 minutes is an eternity to sit still and pray for some people. That is a true sacrifice that I do not take lightly. Please pray for God to make a way, where there seems to be no way. To rouse the hearts and minds of all who are called to support me financially. That they would know clearly that they are to support me. Their help will weigh in eternity. Their part in this journey will be priceless. Some are called to Go, and some are not. Some are called to earn and give. We are all called, it is just a matter of what that looks like and if we will answer the call.
There will come a day where I am absolutely black and white with an amount that is necessary for this or that. But right now... I ask you to pray. To begin to believe with me, that God, who has absolutely without any doubt called me, will show who, how, and when He will accomplish all He has for us.
I ask this most sincerely, with love.
For the sake of my mother, whom I know will lovingly give me crap it I don't tell you how to support me at this juncture I will say... that you can send a tax deductible gift care of Soul Harvest Worship Center 1545 Bay Meadows Dr. Modesto, Ca 95350 (please do not write my name on the check but include a note) or give thru paypal on their website at http://www.soulharvestwc.org/missions/ This money will go directly from my church to the University of the Nations for school fees. Any personal gifts can be addressed to me at University of the Nations #273
75-5851 Kuakini Hwy
Kailua Kona, HI 96740
OKAY, MA?!! :) (Actually she is my greatest supporter in spirit and otherwise.)
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Monday, October 22, 2012
October 21. How's that for a title?
Tomorrow we jump into the book of Numbers. We go through a book a week here. When I say, 'we go through a book a week' I mean, we go through a book a week. By the time all of our homework is accomplished we have read through it at least four times- or skimmed it again and again- type deal. Who knew those people who wrote the bible dictionaries would ever be so helpful to me!!! It moves so fast I fear I am not going to really get it. But then, we'll have a conversation and I will be shocked at what just came out of my mouth...'hey, I retained that!! Praise God, may I always retain that!'
I think they are just going to keep adding a new task with each book for awhile but right now we are breaking down paragraphs and doing paragraph titles, we do charts of each chapter- observing, interpreting, and finding a timeless truth for each. Timelines are going to be added as are full vertical charts, which probably means nothing to you, but let me tell you I am NOT looking forward to that~ ooftah.
I had a moment this last week where I was fully into a homework session and I realized...this is my lifestyle now. Homework. Everything is geared around it... when can I do it, how long can I do it for, when can I stop?!! How far will I get in my homework today, will I finish well on time? I DO NOT want to be cramming it together last minute...ever~ please, Jesus, let me always accomplish it well and plenty early. Crunchtime makes me anxious. I hate being late or rushing. I hate it with a passion. (Can someone say, 'control issues, boys and girls?!) It is every bit as intense as I believed it would be. And every bit as wonderful.
Thank you so much, to those who prayed or supported to help me so far, and please... please... pray and consider helping me in future. I cannot express all that God is doing and going to prepare me for. I remember dear Mother Dee Dee praying over me and receiving that 'these hands are going to bring healing to the Nations.' I knew it was true, as insane and crazy as it was that it was being said of me. What is interesting is that it has already started... Oh, I have to write and tell you about my friend, we'll call him Sven. But not tonight. (teaser, there.) This campus is FULL of the Nations. There are 6 different nations represented in my dorm room alone. Healing is happening, and I believe in Healing. I've seen it, I've received it, and I have been blessed to see it happen through me. His hand is at work. His mighty mighty hand.
Please comment sometimes when you read, I would so love to hear from you.
I think they are just going to keep adding a new task with each book for awhile but right now we are breaking down paragraphs and doing paragraph titles, we do charts of each chapter- observing, interpreting, and finding a timeless truth for each. Timelines are going to be added as are full vertical charts, which probably means nothing to you, but let me tell you I am NOT looking forward to that~ ooftah.
I had a moment this last week where I was fully into a homework session and I realized...this is my lifestyle now. Homework. Everything is geared around it... when can I do it, how long can I do it for, when can I stop?!! How far will I get in my homework today, will I finish well on time? I DO NOT want to be cramming it together last minute...ever~ please, Jesus, let me always accomplish it well and plenty early. Crunchtime makes me anxious. I hate being late or rushing. I hate it with a passion. (Can someone say, 'control issues, boys and girls?!) It is every bit as intense as I believed it would be. And every bit as wonderful.
Thank you so much, to those who prayed or supported to help me so far, and please... please... pray and consider helping me in future. I cannot express all that God is doing and going to prepare me for. I remember dear Mother Dee Dee praying over me and receiving that 'these hands are going to bring healing to the Nations.' I knew it was true, as insane and crazy as it was that it was being said of me. What is interesting is that it has already started... Oh, I have to write and tell you about my friend, we'll call him Sven. But not tonight. (teaser, there.) This campus is FULL of the Nations. There are 6 different nations represented in my dorm room alone. Healing is happening, and I believe in Healing. I've seen it, I've received it, and I have been blessed to see it happen through me. His hand is at work. His mighty mighty hand.
Please comment sometimes when you read, I would so love to hear from you.
Monday, October 15, 2012
Dreams... do I dare?
Saturday my sweetie little roommate asked me in broken English as we sat over the ocean, "Leah, what is your dream?" I let out an 'ugh' and put my head down. Coming up I said, "That is a good question."
It's sad when you realize dreaming costs too much and you've shut it down. With every loss you feel it's one more dream that will never come true. Wife. Mother. That career.
Sunday morning in my Jesus beach time- I played three songs by Michelle Tumes. The third one was "Dream." I am convinced by these two events, one upon the other, that God is wanting me to DREAM again. It ties so deeply into my lack of trust. Dreaming scares me. It sets me up for disappointment.
I think of the Israelite's. They were oppressed and in bondage for 430 years. I have been through my own bondage and oppression. But they didn't step out of that slavery easily or without a fight. There was death involved. Then there was more struggle in the desert. They didn't just step right into the promise land. It took time and breaking of an old (Egyptian) mindset. There had to be a time of re-defining their identity. Of purification and restoration. A building up while they hoped and dreamed of the promised land.
God is asking me to dream again.
Can there be a promised land without the dream of it? A Disneyland without the anticipation of Disneyland? Dreaming isn't something you can turn on and turn off. It's something you have to allow yourself to do.
I know my God and I see what He's doing. Once He starts something He is faithful to complete it. So I know He's challenging me to dream again. I confess it scares the living daylights out of me... but I know Him. I get it. It's the challenge to wade out into the water-deep into the water, past where I can touch the bottom or control what happens. In over my head- trusting- that the direction the water moves will get me to where I am supposed to be. Securely. Safely. With everything paid for, hehe.
What is my dream?
Do I dare- do I even dare to speak them? They are so hidden. Only One could know them better than me- and He's challenging me to bring them to the surface for light and life.
It's sad when you realize dreaming costs too much and you've shut it down. With every loss you feel it's one more dream that will never come true. Wife. Mother. That career.
Sunday morning in my Jesus beach time- I played three songs by Michelle Tumes. The third one was "Dream." I am convinced by these two events, one upon the other, that God is wanting me to DREAM again. It ties so deeply into my lack of trust. Dreaming scares me. It sets me up for disappointment.
I think of the Israelite's. They were oppressed and in bondage for 430 years. I have been through my own bondage and oppression. But they didn't step out of that slavery easily or without a fight. There was death involved. Then there was more struggle in the desert. They didn't just step right into the promise land. It took time and breaking of an old (Egyptian) mindset. There had to be a time of re-defining their identity. Of purification and restoration. A building up while they hoped and dreamed of the promised land.
God is asking me to dream again.
Can there be a promised land without the dream of it? A Disneyland without the anticipation of Disneyland? Dreaming isn't something you can turn on and turn off. It's something you have to allow yourself to do.
I know my God and I see what He's doing. Once He starts something He is faithful to complete it. So I know He's challenging me to dream again. I confess it scares the living daylights out of me... but I know Him. I get it. It's the challenge to wade out into the water-deep into the water, past where I can touch the bottom or control what happens. In over my head- trusting- that the direction the water moves will get me to where I am supposed to be. Securely. Safely. With everything paid for, hehe.
What is my dream?
Do I dare- do I even dare to speak them? They are so hidden. Only One could know them better than me- and He's challenging me to bring them to the surface for light and life.
Friday, October 12, 2012
Generous.
God is in the business of redeeming.
He is redeeming me. I remember walking in the park on a break from work last year. Life had been so, so rough. I saw a bird swoop down from a tree and watching it... it came down for a worm, not just a worm, a huge plump white worm. Clearly I heard the Lord speak, "I will be generous." He cares so much more for us than He does the birds of the air. I knew in that moment that He wasn't going to just 'take care of me' but that He was telling me, He was going to be... generous.
I can't wrap my head around what the definition of 'generous' is to God...but I know it is BIG. I know it goes deeper into my soul and brokenness than I can fathom. I know it means I will eat, and have my needs met. I know He is an abundant giver.
I knew in coming here that it would be hard. Nothing about the journey of getting here has been easy- placing my furry children into new homes, simplifying my material things and saying good bye to friends, family, job and my church to move fully into the commission that God has on my life. I knew that there would be days of weeping for the load of this study and discomfort in the adjustment of living in community. (I have 5 roommates, wonderful as they may be there are 5 of them...) It's just...not easy. But I also knew there would be the times of great revelation. Those moments where in a room of hundreds of people it may as well just be me and God because His presence is so strong and clear. Tonight was one of those nights.
We had a guest come and perform the whole book of Luke by memory, acting it out as a play. It was powerful. Through the course of the evening my spirit was so roused. We ended in worship and it was sweet. There were a couple of times an ache rose in me. It's a familiar ache. It has come and gone for so many years I couldn't imagine actually fully living without it, but it is something I have done my best to bury. God was poking at it this evening. Not really poking, but, rousing.
Something became very clear to me. "I have no idea what God really wants to do in me." How much He actually wants to redeem. Things deeper than I came here to have healed. I thought a thought that has come to me before, but I wouldn't allow to fully go through my mind because I am a girl who likes a plan. Stick to the plan. For the love of michael, DON'T CHANGE THE PLAN. The plan is all I have. It's security, it's a direction to walk. I started this schooling thinking that I was going to start w/ a counseling class. God changed it, clearly, to this chronological study of the bible. An intense class to say the least. The foundation of His word is most important for wherever He leads me. So, I adjusted. He provided. Here I am. But this thought, that I have never fully allowed is that... He may change the plan. Again. He just maaaaay change the plan. I felt it as I put together my website that listed my courses and fees, I felt it as I sent out my support letters with the same information. I have felt it in conversation as I confidently state what it is "I am going to do." mmmm hmmm. 'You think so?' We make our plans... but GOD orders our steps. Either this life of mine is His...or it isn't. So, I am realizing now, I cannot make a plan. I cannot go forward thinking that I am or am not going to get my degree in biblical counseling. I can't say WHAT He is going to do.. but tonight, as He poked at something long buried, I knew, that I knew that I knew, that it is JUST like Him, to speak something to me (like biblical counseling) to get me to walk in a certain direction and then in the sweetest love, say, 'Gotcha... now... sweet girl of mine, consider this.'
I'm not going to say more than this right now. It is too too much. But what I do know, is He is going to be generous.
I am wiping my slate. I am going to do this course to the best of my ability, but I am not 'making a plan' past that. The thought of Him redeeming certain things in my life is almost too much to bear. It's too good. Too much. But God, God is in the redeeming business. And His ways, are just not my ways.
One day at a time, living one moment at a time.
He is redeeming me. I remember walking in the park on a break from work last year. Life had been so, so rough. I saw a bird swoop down from a tree and watching it... it came down for a worm, not just a worm, a huge plump white worm. Clearly I heard the Lord speak, "I will be generous." He cares so much more for us than He does the birds of the air. I knew in that moment that He wasn't going to just 'take care of me' but that He was telling me, He was going to be... generous.
I can't wrap my head around what the definition of 'generous' is to God...but I know it is BIG. I know it goes deeper into my soul and brokenness than I can fathom. I know it means I will eat, and have my needs met. I know He is an abundant giver.
I knew in coming here that it would be hard. Nothing about the journey of getting here has been easy- placing my furry children into new homes, simplifying my material things and saying good bye to friends, family, job and my church to move fully into the commission that God has on my life. I knew that there would be days of weeping for the load of this study and discomfort in the adjustment of living in community. (I have 5 roommates, wonderful as they may be there are 5 of them...) It's just...not easy. But I also knew there would be the times of great revelation. Those moments where in a room of hundreds of people it may as well just be me and God because His presence is so strong and clear. Tonight was one of those nights.
We had a guest come and perform the whole book of Luke by memory, acting it out as a play. It was powerful. Through the course of the evening my spirit was so roused. We ended in worship and it was sweet. There were a couple of times an ache rose in me. It's a familiar ache. It has come and gone for so many years I couldn't imagine actually fully living without it, but it is something I have done my best to bury. God was poking at it this evening. Not really poking, but, rousing.
Something became very clear to me. "I have no idea what God really wants to do in me." How much He actually wants to redeem. Things deeper than I came here to have healed. I thought a thought that has come to me before, but I wouldn't allow to fully go through my mind because I am a girl who likes a plan. Stick to the plan. For the love of michael, DON'T CHANGE THE PLAN. The plan is all I have. It's security, it's a direction to walk. I started this schooling thinking that I was going to start w/ a counseling class. God changed it, clearly, to this chronological study of the bible. An intense class to say the least. The foundation of His word is most important for wherever He leads me. So, I adjusted. He provided. Here I am. But this thought, that I have never fully allowed is that... He may change the plan. Again. He just maaaaay change the plan. I felt it as I put together my website that listed my courses and fees, I felt it as I sent out my support letters with the same information. I have felt it in conversation as I confidently state what it is "I am going to do." mmmm hmmm. 'You think so?' We make our plans... but GOD orders our steps. Either this life of mine is His...or it isn't. So, I am realizing now, I cannot make a plan. I cannot go forward thinking that I am or am not going to get my degree in biblical counseling. I can't say WHAT He is going to do.. but tonight, as He poked at something long buried, I knew, that I knew that I knew, that it is JUST like Him, to speak something to me (like biblical counseling) to get me to walk in a certain direction and then in the sweetest love, say, 'Gotcha... now... sweet girl of mine, consider this.'
I'm not going to say more than this right now. It is too too much. But what I do know, is He is going to be generous.
I am wiping my slate. I am going to do this course to the best of my ability, but I am not 'making a plan' past that. The thought of Him redeeming certain things in my life is almost too much to bear. It's too good. Too much. But God, God is in the redeeming business. And His ways, are just not my ways.
One day at a time, living one moment at a time.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
Goooood Morning!
Really struggling with others and my attitude this morning.
Struggling with those who don't respect the rules and constantly loud, crying, playing, screaming children at all hours.
When did I get so old?
I don't want to be cranky, I don't want to have a bad attitude. I want to be joyful and embrace the good! I want to be one of those people who is always positive, and I know it's a choice.
Please pray for me.
Struggling with those who don't respect the rules and constantly loud, crying, playing, screaming children at all hours.
When did I get so old?
I don't want to be cranky, I don't want to have a bad attitude. I want to be joyful and embrace the good! I want to be one of those people who is always positive, and I know it's a choice.
Please pray for me.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Let the Learning begin...
Ok, so after the first couple of days of school the focus has been on how to study- as an old gal I am grateful that they are teaching us this!!!
There was a moment in class where he showed us just a little hand drawn chart on the board about how we learn as humans. As children we learn at a rapid pace. We've all seen it, children are sponges! What they learn in the first few years of life is amazing! How to walk, talk, eat, understand, communicate, and of course, ask, 'why?why?why?' Children are naturally inquisitive and want to know everything, how it works, and Why?! Until the age of 5 children are growing and learning at at an accelerated rate. But then at the age of 5 something happens and their learning curve starts to slow and plateau out to a regular rate. What generally happens at the age of 5? We start school! This is when we learn 'sit down, shut up, don't ask questions, knock that off, settle down, shhh, shhhhhh....' something roused in my spirit when he said this. My heart sank- but at the same time I felt a spark of hope. I knew, that I knew that this had happened to me. In more than one avenue of my life with teachers and leaders I had been encouraged to just...stop. So, it's not that I didn't like school, but I never tried to excel. I was actually discouraged by more than one teacher regarding the areas I actually could have excelled in- and something in me just decided to quit. I did what I had to, but not much more. I remember clearly being put in an advanced class for Biology that was waaaay above me. I sincerely decided to give it my very best- took notes, studied, and when I got an F on a test I had invested so much in, I was devastated. A boy in class attacked me verbally for my grade in the class and I just shriveled inside.
I knew that I wasn't going to college. My family couldn't afford it and I came from manual laborers. No one ever spoke to me about scholarships or applying myself. I actually remember my high school counselor just giving up on me during a conversation regarding college. I saw it come across her face and thought, 'yeah, well... welcome to the club, lady.'
I became a really hard worker... at work. It served me well for many years.
But now here I am... at school. Stepping out in more ways than I have words for, and I know that God is going to meet me here...but I am overwhelmed. These young people take notes on their computers and whip things out like it's nothing! I brought my laptop for notes, but I confess I have only ever taken the traditional pen in hand notes, so I am learning on every little level. It will come.
But back to class... so when the teacher was talking about learning- before he moved on I felt the Spirit so strongly... "Bryan?" I interrupted..."I'm sorry to interrupt but can I just pray for us real quick?" "Sure!" He said, "do you want the microphone?" UM, NO. Loud, I can be! so I prayed... Coming against the Spirit of 'sit down and shut up.' Asking the Holy Spirit to break the agreements that we have made in our minds that we are not good students or that we can't learn well. Asking God to restore in us all that has been stolen regarding education and learning. Coming against all of the claims that have been made on us regarding growing in this way and asking Him to help us, restoring the desire to know 'why?!' the desire to seek answers and ask questions.
We are learning a lot... in and out of the class room.
There was a moment in class where he showed us just a little hand drawn chart on the board about how we learn as humans. As children we learn at a rapid pace. We've all seen it, children are sponges! What they learn in the first few years of life is amazing! How to walk, talk, eat, understand, communicate, and of course, ask, 'why?why?why?' Children are naturally inquisitive and want to know everything, how it works, and Why?! Until the age of 5 children are growing and learning at at an accelerated rate. But then at the age of 5 something happens and their learning curve starts to slow and plateau out to a regular rate. What generally happens at the age of 5? We start school! This is when we learn 'sit down, shut up, don't ask questions, knock that off, settle down, shhh, shhhhhh....' something roused in my spirit when he said this. My heart sank- but at the same time I felt a spark of hope. I knew, that I knew that this had happened to me. In more than one avenue of my life with teachers and leaders I had been encouraged to just...stop. So, it's not that I didn't like school, but I never tried to excel. I was actually discouraged by more than one teacher regarding the areas I actually could have excelled in- and something in me just decided to quit. I did what I had to, but not much more. I remember clearly being put in an advanced class for Biology that was waaaay above me. I sincerely decided to give it my very best- took notes, studied, and when I got an F on a test I had invested so much in, I was devastated. A boy in class attacked me verbally for my grade in the class and I just shriveled inside.
I knew that I wasn't going to college. My family couldn't afford it and I came from manual laborers. No one ever spoke to me about scholarships or applying myself. I actually remember my high school counselor just giving up on me during a conversation regarding college. I saw it come across her face and thought, 'yeah, well... welcome to the club, lady.'
I became a really hard worker... at work. It served me well for many years.
But now here I am... at school. Stepping out in more ways than I have words for, and I know that God is going to meet me here...but I am overwhelmed. These young people take notes on their computers and whip things out like it's nothing! I brought my laptop for notes, but I confess I have only ever taken the traditional pen in hand notes, so I am learning on every little level. It will come.
But back to class... so when the teacher was talking about learning- before he moved on I felt the Spirit so strongly... "Bryan?" I interrupted..."I'm sorry to interrupt but can I just pray for us real quick?" "Sure!" He said, "do you want the microphone?" UM, NO. Loud, I can be! so I prayed... Coming against the Spirit of 'sit down and shut up.' Asking the Holy Spirit to break the agreements that we have made in our minds that we are not good students or that we can't learn well. Asking God to restore in us all that has been stolen regarding education and learning. Coming against all of the claims that have been made on us regarding growing in this way and asking Him to help us, restoring the desire to know 'why?!' the desire to seek answers and ask questions.
We are learning a lot... in and out of the class room.
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