Generous.

God is in the business of redeeming.
He is redeeming me.  I remember walking in the park on a break from work last year.  Life had been so, so rough.  I saw a bird swoop down from a tree and watching it... it came down for a worm, not just a worm, a huge plump white worm.  Clearly I heard the Lord speak, "I will be generous."  He cares so much more for us than He does the birds of the air.  I knew in that moment that He wasn't going to just 'take care of me' but that He was telling me, He was going to be... generous.
I can't wrap my head around what the definition of 'generous' is to God...but I know it is BIG.  I know it goes deeper into my soul and brokenness than I can fathom.  I know it means I will eat, and have my needs met.  I know He is an abundant giver.

I knew in coming here that it would be hard.  Nothing about the journey of getting here has been easy- placing my furry children into new homes, simplifying my material things and saying good bye to friends, family, job and my church to move fully into the commission that God has on my life.  I knew that there would be days of weeping for the load of this study and discomfort in the adjustment of living in community.  (I have 5 roommates, wonderful as they may be there are 5 of them...) It's just...not easy.  But I also knew there would be the times of great revelation.  Those moments where in a room of hundreds of people it may as well just be me and God because His presence is so strong and clear.  Tonight was one of those nights.
We had a guest come and perform the whole book of Luke by memory, acting it out as a play.  It was powerful.  Through the course of the evening my spirit was so roused.  We ended in worship and it was sweet.  There were a couple of times an ache rose in me.  It's a familiar ache.  It has come and gone for so many years I couldn't imagine actually fully living without it, but it is something I have done my best to bury.  God was poking at it this evening.  Not really poking, but, rousing.
Something became very clear to me.  "I have no idea what God really wants to do in me."  How much He actually wants to redeem.  Things deeper than I came here to have healed.  I thought a thought that has come to me before, but I wouldn't allow to fully go through my mind because I am a girl who likes a plan.  Stick to the plan.  For the love of michael, DON'T CHANGE THE PLAN.  The plan is all I have.  It's security, it's a direction to walk.  I started this schooling thinking that I was going to start w/ a counseling class.  God changed it, clearly, to this chronological study of the bible.  An intense class to say the least.  The foundation of His word is most important for wherever He leads me.  So, I adjusted.  He provided.  Here I am.  But this thought, that I have never fully allowed is that... He may change the plan.  Again.  He just maaaaay change the plan.  I felt it as I put together my website that listed my courses and fees, I felt it as I sent out my support letters with the same information.  I have felt it in conversation as I confidently state what it is "I am going to do."  mmmm hmmm.  'You think so?'  We make our plans... but GOD orders our steps.  Either this life of mine is His...or it isn't.  So, I am realizing now, I cannot make a plan.  I cannot go forward thinking that I am or am not going to get my degree in biblical counseling.  I can't say WHAT He is going to do.. but tonight, as He poked at something long buried, I knew, that I knew that I knew, that it is JUST like Him, to speak something to me (like biblical counseling) to get me to walk in a certain direction and then in the sweetest love, say, 'Gotcha... now... sweet girl of mine, consider this.'  
I'm not going to say more than this right now.  It is too too much.  But what I do know, is He is going to be generous.  
I am wiping my slate.  I am going to do this course to the best of my ability, but I am not 'making a plan' past that.  The thought of Him redeeming certain things in my life is almost too much to bear. It's too good.  Too much.  But God,  God is in the redeeming business.  And His ways, are just not my ways.
One day at a time, living one moment at a time.