I wonder how many blogs start with, 'Where do I begin?'
I know I have mentioned how God was completely silent regarding my steps after SBS (school of biblical studies). I knew it was because it was going to be something more than I would accept and that when He was ready He would reveal the path for me. Well, He has. (Insert loud 'tah dah' music here.)
If you are one of those who received my first letter regarding coming to school and returning to YWAM it read something along the lines of the fact that I was coming to school to be a counselor and get equipped in order to do so. Well, isn't it always interesting the way God fulfills His purposes for us in ways we would have NEVER imagined? There is so much to say I don't know how to fit it all in, but to spare you all of the details and step by step plays of exactly what happened lets just say that the plan I came with that he 'lovingly asked me to set aside and trust Him' is, after all... NOT the plan....exactly. It's the plan that got me here, and how many times has God done that? Spoken something to get me to walk in a certain direction and then changed the direction. Plenty, I can tell you that. He knows what it's going to take to get me where He wants me.
So- short version- I came here with the plan of getting a degree in biblical counseling from YWAM. It would be costly, unaccredited, but steps towards how I know God uses me. He asked me to set that aside but did not remove His word of calling me 'one who counsels.'
One day in class they introduced a plan that would allow you to go directly into a master's program with a theological seminary. If you 'staffed' for two years (remained with the school as a staff member) after taking an SBS this seminary would allow you to go straight into their masters program because they have seen the benefits this course produces in students who come to them. This got me thinking- wow, what an opportunity. I sent away for information from the school and started dreaming accredited could be possible.
Let me back up for just a moment... I have always been a manual laborer. I have been proud to be a very hard worker and blessed to be able to do so. Growing up we didn't have a lot of money and neither of my parents went to college. We just all...worked really hard. So I remember never believing that college was an option for me. I wasn't super smart- quite average, really, even tho I did have a couple advance courses in school. So I never thought that scholarships were an option nor did I know how to go about getting one. Even in my adult years when people would say, 'you're still young...you could do it.' I thought, "Noooo." I didn't believe it. Starting to think 'accredited degree' is BIG THINKING, folks. But it is only now, at 41, that I believe I really CAN do anything I want- AND I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH HIM WHO STRENGTHENS ME.
Now!... Thinking along these lines and being open to an accredited education I had a divine appointment with the friend of one of our guest teachers. Brilliant men. He told me of an online opportunity that would allow for an accredited degree for a LOT less money than attending a regular university or seminary. I checked it out. I prayed. I sought four spiritual advisers. They prayed. Unanimously it came back to go for accredited. I knew the direction God was leading me- I just wanted confirmation because I KNOW God will not contradict Himself. SO! Again, short version... I have just completed and turned in my application to be a staff with the school of biblical studies for two years. If accepted, I will pour into students who are coming and struggling to learn all that I have been blessed to be learning. I will counsel them in 'one on ones', grade their work, teach...oh, Lord have mercy, and basically get to sit through this entire course again without the pressure of homework!! HALLELUJAH, can I get an Amen?!!! My commitment will be for an initial two years, the first learning the ropes and pouring out and the second I will begin my online education to attain an accredited degree in psychology/counseling.
He's right. I would have never accepted that sooner, hahahahah.
I am excited and nervous.
I will come home for some time during the summer and raise some support. I am going to have a major garage sale and let go of things I need not hold on to anymore. I will teach (God willing 3 times) a 4 hour seminar of the Inductive Bible Study Method that I have learned here. This will allow others a taste of the method and hopefully give them opportunity to decide if they would like to pour into what we do here. I am eager to share all I've learned...well... not ALL of what I've learned... 4 hours isn't 9 months! Ha, but... the concept and results. It's an education that costs $12,000. and I will be doing the seminar for a very small fee to raise funds for next year as well.
That's it, boys and girls. I HAVE A PLAN!! HALLELUJAH I HAVE A PLAN!!! :)
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Friday, March 1, 2013
Those days are gone.
Oops!! Sorry it's been so long!! It's a bit crazy after all...
Just an encouragement to let you know that God is speaking, even if it isn't always what I want to hear. Yesterday I was doing my laundry- the laundry room is attached to a classroom because YWAM will put a classroom anywhere, hehe... so for 10 minutes as I folded my laundry I could hear the speaker talking and it blessed me more than my own work! He was saying, "So... why doesn't God speak audibly? Anyone? Why doesn't God speak out loud so we can hear him?" I was like, 'oh this is going to be good.' So there were a couple answers I couldn't really hear, then he says. "We don't know. We don't really know why God doesn't speak audibly but here is my take on it..." Now you need to know that for the last months I have been begging God to speak to me regarding what to "do" next. Which course, outreach, staff, online education...begging. He has been silent on this matter. Absolutely silent... it's driving me crazy. I am like, GOD!! Just tell me what to do and I will do it!!! Tell me where to go and I will go!! So this speaker says, "If I could hear God... He'd be like, 'Kenny- this is what I want you to do.' and I'd be like, 'Yes, Sir.' and I'd do it. 'Kenny- this is where I want you to go.' and I'd be like, 'Yes, Sir.' and I'd go. But God doesn't want Robots. God doesn't want people He can just order around...God wants relationship...and if I can't hear Him audibly it forces me to seek Him. It forces me to be intentional and sit still spending time with Him." I was like. Grrrr. I get it.
You would think that because I quit my job, sacrificed my animals, and came to study the word of God that I am just hanging out with God all day every day and how wonderful that must be!! But truthfully- it's not like that at all. I mean- I talk to God all the time... but my 'quiet time'... well... I don't really get any. Remember that last quarter I had 5 roommates, well this quarter we have a common area with our other female classmates which is awesome, except now technically I have 11 roommates- kinda. Finding somewhere on this campus to be 'quiet' is noooooot really something I have found. Some nights I get in bed and have to apologize to God for how little He heard from me that day. I hate it. I miss Him in some ways. I do feel Him more in the work than I used to- but not as thoroughly as I hope to.
So today we were in the book of Ezra and I got sideswiped. I am debating giving you the long or short version...I have this thing against blog entries that are too long...let's just say it got to the end where they 'send' their wives and children away- and I got really, really angry. When the teacher asked if there were any questions I raised my hand and started to process but she could tell where I was going- so she asked me to wait because she was headed there. I did, but by the time she came back to me to see if she had answered my question I was so twisted I knew I couldn't speak with out being ugly and crying. So I just didn't. I couldn't get out of class fast enough. As I walked up the stairs to lunch I had a wave of anxiety flood me and I thought, 'oh, I can't even go to lunch.' It was all I could do to hold it together long enough to get back to my room, drop the sheet around my bunk (that blocks out the room) and lose it. Completely. "What is wrong with me??!!!" I start having it out, processing with God-praying none of my roommates walk in because I don't want to explain or for them to hear me. I realized I had to get out of here- so- I blew off my homework and headed to find a place where I could be alone and talk out loud with God. So, so hard to do here. I have just NOT found this place.
Long story short... I spent the entire afternoon with my Lord. How I love to do that- Sunday mornings are the only time I can find to do it normally. It is like Gold. It took 3 whole hours just to wind down and get to a quiet spirit. I felt like I have forgotten how to have a silence and solitude which is what I REALLY need. Days of just Him and me... hearing what He says so clearly...so tuned in. I was finally hearing Him, seeing Him, finally. My issues today all go back to abandonment. They sent their wives and children away and it just tapped into the perceived rejection of my father; the Hebrews leaving those children fatherless pissed me off. And then of the men in my past. Men who said they would be something in covenant- and weren't. I wanted those Hebrews to grow a pair and say, "Hey- you married a Hebrew- and in THIS house, we serve YHWH." I wanted that in my own house. Funny what will rip open a wound. Or wounds.
I have been dreaming every single night of being back in the grocery business. Finally yesterday morning in that in between state where I hear God so clearly I asked Him why I keep dreaming of grocery? He answered, "Because it was a time when you knew what you were doing- and you were confident in it." Ah. Yes. Perfect sense. Those days are gone.
Just an encouragement to let you know that God is speaking, even if it isn't always what I want to hear. Yesterday I was doing my laundry- the laundry room is attached to a classroom because YWAM will put a classroom anywhere, hehe... so for 10 minutes as I folded my laundry I could hear the speaker talking and it blessed me more than my own work! He was saying, "So... why doesn't God speak audibly? Anyone? Why doesn't God speak out loud so we can hear him?" I was like, 'oh this is going to be good.' So there were a couple answers I couldn't really hear, then he says. "We don't know. We don't really know why God doesn't speak audibly but here is my take on it..." Now you need to know that for the last months I have been begging God to speak to me regarding what to "do" next. Which course, outreach, staff, online education...begging. He has been silent on this matter. Absolutely silent... it's driving me crazy. I am like, GOD!! Just tell me what to do and I will do it!!! Tell me where to go and I will go!! So this speaker says, "If I could hear God... He'd be like, 'Kenny- this is what I want you to do.' and I'd be like, 'Yes, Sir.' and I'd do it. 'Kenny- this is where I want you to go.' and I'd be like, 'Yes, Sir.' and I'd go. But God doesn't want Robots. God doesn't want people He can just order around...God wants relationship...and if I can't hear Him audibly it forces me to seek Him. It forces me to be intentional and sit still spending time with Him." I was like. Grrrr. I get it.
You would think that because I quit my job, sacrificed my animals, and came to study the word of God that I am just hanging out with God all day every day and how wonderful that must be!! But truthfully- it's not like that at all. I mean- I talk to God all the time... but my 'quiet time'... well... I don't really get any. Remember that last quarter I had 5 roommates, well this quarter we have a common area with our other female classmates which is awesome, except now technically I have 11 roommates- kinda. Finding somewhere on this campus to be 'quiet' is noooooot really something I have found. Some nights I get in bed and have to apologize to God for how little He heard from me that day. I hate it. I miss Him in some ways. I do feel Him more in the work than I used to- but not as thoroughly as I hope to.
So today we were in the book of Ezra and I got sideswiped. I am debating giving you the long or short version...I have this thing against blog entries that are too long...let's just say it got to the end where they 'send' their wives and children away- and I got really, really angry. When the teacher asked if there were any questions I raised my hand and started to process but she could tell where I was going- so she asked me to wait because she was headed there. I did, but by the time she came back to me to see if she had answered my question I was so twisted I knew I couldn't speak with out being ugly and crying. So I just didn't. I couldn't get out of class fast enough. As I walked up the stairs to lunch I had a wave of anxiety flood me and I thought, 'oh, I can't even go to lunch.' It was all I could do to hold it together long enough to get back to my room, drop the sheet around my bunk (that blocks out the room) and lose it. Completely. "What is wrong with me??!!!" I start having it out, processing with God-praying none of my roommates walk in because I don't want to explain or for them to hear me. I realized I had to get out of here- so- I blew off my homework and headed to find a place where I could be alone and talk out loud with God. So, so hard to do here. I have just NOT found this place.
Long story short... I spent the entire afternoon with my Lord. How I love to do that- Sunday mornings are the only time I can find to do it normally. It is like Gold. It took 3 whole hours just to wind down and get to a quiet spirit. I felt like I have forgotten how to have a silence and solitude which is what I REALLY need. Days of just Him and me... hearing what He says so clearly...so tuned in. I was finally hearing Him, seeing Him, finally. My issues today all go back to abandonment. They sent their wives and children away and it just tapped into the perceived rejection of my father; the Hebrews leaving those children fatherless pissed me off. And then of the men in my past. Men who said they would be something in covenant- and weren't. I wanted those Hebrews to grow a pair and say, "Hey- you married a Hebrew- and in THIS house, we serve YHWH." I wanted that in my own house. Funny what will rip open a wound. Or wounds.
I have been dreaming every single night of being back in the grocery business. Finally yesterday morning in that in between state where I hear God so clearly I asked Him why I keep dreaming of grocery? He answered, "Because it was a time when you knew what you were doing- and you were confident in it." Ah. Yes. Perfect sense. Those days are gone.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)