Those days are gone.

Oops!! Sorry it's been so long!! It's a bit crazy after all...
Just an encouragement to let you know that God is speaking, even if it isn't always what I want to hear.  Yesterday I was doing my laundry- the laundry room is attached to a classroom because YWAM will put a classroom anywhere, hehe... so for 10 minutes as I folded my laundry I could hear the speaker talking and it blessed me more than my own work!  He was saying, "So... why doesn't God speak audibly? Anyone? Why doesn't God speak out loud so we can hear him?"  I was like, 'oh this is going to be good.'  So there were a couple answers I couldn't really hear, then he says.  "We don't know.  We don't really know why God doesn't speak audibly but here is my take on it..."  Now you need to know that for the last months I have been begging God to speak to me regarding what to "do" next.  Which course, outreach, staff, online education...begging.  He has been silent on this matter.  Absolutely silent... it's driving me crazy.  I am like, GOD!! Just tell me what to do and I will do it!!!  Tell me where to go and I will go!!  So this speaker says, "If I could hear God... He'd be like, 'Kenny- this is what I want you to do.' and I'd be like, 'Yes, Sir.' and I'd do it.  'Kenny- this is where I want you to go.' and I'd be like, 'Yes, Sir.' and I'd go.  But God doesn't want Robots.  God doesn't want people He can just order around...God wants relationship...and if I can't hear Him audibly it forces me to seek Him.  It forces me to be intentional and sit still spending time with Him."  I was like.  Grrrr. I get it. 
You would think that because I quit my job, sacrificed my animals, and came to study the word of God that I am just hanging out with God all day every day and how wonderful that must be!!  But truthfully- it's not like that at all.  I mean- I talk to God all the time... but my 'quiet time'... well... I don't really get any.  Remember that last quarter I had 5 roommates, well this quarter we have a common area with our other female classmates which is awesome, except now technically I have 11 roommates- kinda. Finding somewhere on this campus to be 'quiet' is noooooot really something I have found.  Some nights I get in bed and have to apologize to God for how little He heard from me that day.  I hate it.  I miss Him in some ways.  I do feel Him more in the work than I used to- but not as thoroughly as I hope to. 
So today we were in the book of Ezra and I got sideswiped.  I am debating giving you the long or short version...I have this thing against blog entries that are too long...let's just say it got to the end where they 'send' their wives and children away- and I got really, really angry.  When the teacher asked if there were any questions I raised my hand and started to process but she could tell where I was going- so she asked me to wait because she was headed there.  I did, but by the time she came back to me to see if she had answered my question I was so twisted I knew I couldn't speak with out being ugly and crying.  So I just didn't.  I couldn't get out of class fast enough.  As I walked up the stairs to lunch I had a wave of anxiety flood me and I thought, 'oh, I can't even go to lunch.'  It was all I could do to hold it together long enough to get back to my room, drop the sheet around my bunk (that blocks out the room) and lose it.  Completely.  "What is wrong with me??!!!"  I start having it out, processing with God-praying none of my roommates walk in because I don't want to explain or for them to hear me.  I realized I had to get out of here- so- I blew off my homework and headed to find a place where I could be alone and talk out loud with God.  So, so hard to do here.  I have just NOT found this place. 
Long story short... I spent the entire afternoon with my Lord.  How I love to do that- Sunday mornings are the only time I can find to do it normally.  It is like Gold. It took 3 whole hours just to wind down and get to a quiet spirit.  I felt like I have forgotten how to have a silence and solitude which is what I REALLY need.  Days of just Him and me... hearing what He says so clearly...so tuned in.  I was finally hearing Him, seeing Him, finally.  My issues today all go back to abandonment.  They sent their wives and children away and it just tapped into the perceived rejection of my father; the Hebrews leaving those children fatherless pissed me off. And then of the men in my past.  Men who said they would be something in covenant- and weren't.  I wanted those Hebrews to grow a pair and say, "Hey- you married a Hebrew- and in THIS house, we serve YHWH."  I wanted that in my own house.  Funny what will rip open a wound.  Or wounds. 

I have been dreaming every single night of being back in the grocery business.  Finally yesterday morning in that in between state where I hear God so clearly I asked Him why I keep dreaming of grocery?  He answered, "Because it was a time when you knew what you were doing- and you were confident in it."  Ah.  Yes.  Perfect sense.  Those days are gone.