I heard God
speak to me in the in between sleeping and waking state. “You’re in a season of wait.”
As most
things do in that state; regardless of the reality it makes perfect sense. All
of a sudden all of my restlessness and frustration in these last days made
perfect sense. I have been and am…waiting. Much is to be learned in the waiting.
I don’t know
if you are one of those beautifully graceful people who have the gift of
patience. I… am not. I can be patient with the old person in line
in front of me. I can be patient with a
puppy who had an accident on the rug.
These beings cannot help their state and are in process, like the rest
of us. But when it comes to me; where I’m
headed, what I’m responsible for, what I want… I really suck at patience. It is a fruit of the spirit that has
challenged me for years. God in His mercy
has patience with me! But He is faithful
to bring opportunity to grow and good gravy am I in one.
When I got
sick I was in bed for a month. I lost
all of June but I could hear my friends laughing and socializing just a wall
over. It felt like I was losing my
sanity and as though I may never be well again…but I could hear their banter
and bursts of laughter. I was so jealous
and so pissed off all at the same time.
I was waiting to be well and wondering if I would ever laugh again,
seriously. I was waiting to be well
enough to fly home. Then waiting to get
into my doctors. September was in
question and what I would be doing or not doing. I was waiting for direction and clarity.
Lately, I
have been so restless. I know that I
know that I know that I am where I am supposed to be. But home again in between ‘purposes’ is a
really tough spot to be. God has told
me, “You need to get over location. I
can use you anywhere.” It’s strange,
tho, because the transition isn’t just in my physical location it’s in my heart
and mind. My work for Him is valid- even
if not grand. It’s embarrassing to say
that because OF COURSE it’s true, but humbling to come to.
Now that I’m
“home” I have the opportunity to get one of my fur babies back. I would have NEVER dreamed it possible or
asked for it; but God in His complete understanding of the heart He created has
made a way for my son to come home… it is a gift I dared not dream. So… I have to get a place where I can have a
dog. I have looked around to get an idea
of what is available. I cannot afford
much- but God totally knows what I can afford and what I can’t. He already knows where I will live; and I’m
not holding out- I trust Him for good things.
Beauty, safety, amazing landlord, a place for my boy to run around. A mother-in-law unit would be perfect! I’m waiting…for the right place. I’m waiting… to bring my boy home and every
day that he is not with me now, is felt.
I want to
buy a car. (I’m trusting for a truck!
;) I don’t say I NEED to, because
graciously my Mom is allowing me to use hers-but I don’t want to put a ton of
miles on it or have anything happen to it on my watch! I’m waiting… for the right deal.
My traveler’s
medical insurance that I had last year is taking their time to pay the medical
bills from my health crash. So until I
know what they will and won’t pay I am waiting to know how much money I
actually have and how much money I need for bills. (Why do they take months and months for this
stuff?) So I don’t really know what I
have for a deposit on a place or a car… I’m waiting.
Please hear
me when I say I’m grateful.
I’m grateful
to have a home to be in while I wait.
I’m grateful
for traveler’s insurance that may pay my medical bills.
I’m grateful
for a car to get to where I really need to go while I don’t have one of my own.
I’m grateful
for the hope of bringing my boy home even if he isn’t with me yet… he is in a
good place.
I realize
how truly blessed I am in these things.
The SBS
(school of biblical studies) is starting to gather now in Kona. The next phase of my job there would be
starting now. It’s hard to see them all
travel there and reconnect. It’s hard to
not be a part of it. It’s hard when you
believe some place has become home only to be shifted back to where you thought
you’d left. Obedience means doing what
you should when you should. Being a
missionary means going where there is a need, even if that’s Home again.
I’m waiting
for my next step. I’m waiting for my
feelings to catch up with my actions.
I’m house
sitting this week and there are these birds outside. I’m not sure if they are doves or
pigeons.
It’s been
precious but hard to watch them. There
is a Mommy, Daddy, and baby. The nest
has fallen twice. This is the second
time and they are not attempting to reconstruct it. The
baby is on the ground under some bushes.
I’ve been wondering the last couple of days if the Mommy knows where it
is because she doesn’t stay with it.
What if a cat comes? But this
morning for the first time I saw her come and feed it- then immediately fly
away. She stays a rooftop away. This poor baby kept calling for her- then
realizes she is not returning and stops and goes back under the bush. He’s alone most of the time- just waddles
around- doesn’t know fully how to fly yet.
I was thinking it would die with no food or protection. But Momma comes- just in time with just
enough substance and contact to sustain life.
I feel like
the baby bird. Waiting, waiting, sitting
in the same spot all day not knowing what to do.
But God
comes with just enough of what I need when I need it to sustain me.
It’s so hard
not to rush out and buy bird seed. To
try and help in some way- but nature has its way. Momma knows what’s going on with baby bird
even if I don’t see it happening. Soon
baby will be past the point of sitting all day.
His wings will develop fully and his strength will sustain him to
fly. In the meantime, he waits. He’s patient under his little bush. Nature must take its course. It seems like that little bird is doing
nothing- but something is happening.
Every day, every hour, he is growing…and when the time is right… he will
fly.
Oh, Lord… I
trust You. I wait.
