Season of Waiting

I heard God speak to me in the in between sleeping and waking state.  “You’re in a season of wait.”

As most things do in that state; regardless of the reality it makes perfect sense. All of a sudden all of my restlessness and frustration in these last days made perfect sense.  I have been and am…waiting.  Much is to be learned in the waiting.

I don’t know if you are one of those beautifully graceful people who have the gift of patience.  I… am not.  I can be patient with the old person in line in front of me.  I can be patient with a puppy who had an accident on the rug.  These beings cannot help their state and are in process, like the rest of us.  But when it comes to me; where I’m headed, what I’m responsible for, what I want… I really suck at patience.  It is a fruit of the spirit that has challenged me for years.  God in His mercy has patience with me!  But He is faithful to bring opportunity to grow and good gravy am I in one.

When I got sick I was in bed for a month.  I lost all of June but I could hear my friends laughing and socializing just a wall over.  It felt like I was losing my sanity and as though I may never be well again…but I could hear their banter and bursts of laughter.  I was so jealous and so pissed off all at the same time.  I was waiting to be well and wondering if I would ever laugh again, seriously.  I was waiting to be well enough to fly home.  Then waiting to get into my doctors.  September was in question and what I would be doing or not doing.  I was waiting for direction and clarity. 

Lately, I have been so restless.  I know that I know that I know that I am where I am supposed to be.  But home again in between ‘purposes’ is a really tough spot to be.  God has told me, “You need to get over location.  I can use you anywhere.”  It’s strange, tho, because the transition isn’t just in my physical location it’s in my heart and mind.  My work for Him is valid- even if not grand.  It’s embarrassing to say that because OF COURSE it’s true, but humbling to come to.  

Now that I’m “home” I have the opportunity to get one of my fur babies back.  I would have NEVER dreamed it possible or asked for it; but God in His complete understanding of the heart He created has made a way for my son to come home… it is a gift I dared not dream.  So… I have to get a place where I can have a dog.  I have looked around to get an idea of what is available.  I cannot afford much- but God totally knows what I can afford and what I can’t.  He already knows where I will live; and I’m not holding out- I trust Him for good things.  Beauty, safety, amazing landlord, a place for my boy to run around.  A mother-in-law unit would be perfect!  I’m waiting…for the right place.  I’m waiting… to bring my boy home and every day that he is not with me now, is felt.

I want to buy a car.  (I’m trusting for a truck! ;)  I don’t say I NEED to, because graciously my Mom is allowing me to use hers-but I don’t want to put a ton of miles on it or have anything happen to it on my watch!  I’m waiting… for the right deal.

My traveler’s medical insurance that I had last year is taking their time to pay the medical bills from my health crash.  So until I know what they will and won’t pay I am waiting to know how much money I actually have and how much money I need for bills.  (Why do they take months and months for this stuff?)  So I don’t really know what I have for a deposit on a place or a car… I’m waiting. 

Please hear me when I say I’m grateful.

I’m grateful to have a home to be in while I wait.

I’m grateful for traveler’s insurance that may pay my medical bills.

I’m grateful for a car to get to where I really need to go while I don’t have one of my own.

I’m grateful for the hope of bringing my boy home even if he isn’t with me yet… he is in a good place.

I realize how truly blessed I am in these things. 

The SBS (school of biblical studies) is starting to gather now in Kona.  The next phase of my job there would be starting now.  It’s hard to see them all travel there and reconnect.  It’s hard to not be a part of it.  It’s hard when you believe some place has become home only to be shifted back to where you thought you’d left.  Obedience means doing what you should when you should.  Being a missionary means going where there is a need, even if that’s Home again. 

I’m waiting for my next step.  I’m waiting for my feelings to catch up with my actions. 

I’m house sitting this week and there are these birds outside.  I’m not sure if they are doves or pigeons. 

It’s been precious but hard to watch them.  There is a Mommy, Daddy, and baby.  The nest has fallen twice.  This is the second time and they are not attempting to reconstruct it.   The baby is on the ground under some bushes.  I’ve been wondering the last couple of days if the Mommy knows where it is because she doesn’t stay with it.  What if a cat comes?  But this morning for the first time I saw her come and feed it- then immediately fly away.  She stays a rooftop away.  This poor baby kept calling for her- then realizes she is not returning and stops and goes back under the bush.  He’s alone most of the time- just waddles around- doesn’t know fully how to fly yet.  I was thinking it would die with no food or protection.  But Momma comes- just in time with just enough substance and contact to sustain life. 

I feel like the baby bird.  Waiting, waiting, sitting in the same spot all day not knowing what to do. 

But God comes with just enough of what I need when I need it to sustain me. 

It’s so hard not to rush out and buy bird seed.  To try and help in some way- but nature has its way.  Momma knows what’s going on with baby bird even if I don’t see it happening.  Soon baby will be past the point of sitting all day.  His wings will develop fully and his strength will sustain him to fly.  In the meantime, he waits.  He’s patient under his little bush.  Nature must take its course.   It seems like that little bird is doing nothing- but something is happening.  Every day, every hour, he is growing…and when the time is right… he will fly. 

Oh, Lord… I trust You.  I wait.