Well...this is embarrassing.

Well... this is embarrassing.
I sincerely can't believe I haven't written since January. Of course, I started Vlogging here and there which kinda takes the place in some ways but NEVER along the lines of the art of...writing. 

So... please pray.  Has there ever been an entry when I didn't ask for prayer in some way? hehe.  I'm sure there has but when praying is like breathing in your life it is a given that you would request the support of others in the same way.

I am 'job searching.'  Oh, man.  What a gig.  If you haven't done it in recent years let me refresh your memory.  Good gravy.  I have been so blessed in my jobs over the years.  My last couple didn't even require searching- God just walked me right into them and it was so obviously His will.  As a matter of fact.  That is literally true of all of my jobs.  I have never had a job that wasn't just a smooth transition into that organization or  position.  They have each been ordered. From my first grocery job as a bagger to a Manager of my own department, into Missions and then my Administrative Assistant job with Bethany.  I've been super blessed.  I knew that- but it is a real reminder when you are looking and looking...and looking... that you realize.  Man.  So THIS is what people go through. 

It's not that I don't have confidence that I WILL get a job.  I mean, you hear of people searching and just NOT finding a job.   What a heart breaker.  And I am grateful that I don't have children depending on me or a landlord breathing down my neck.  But- I am in need of a job.  So I have been...searching.
Instinct first says to go back to your roots.  So I have applied for retail jobs.  I've been looking for something part time to supplement my evening and pet sitting jobs.  You question how hard to fight for it and really make it happen.  (How many times do I go in and shake the manager's hand?) After all... I'll do what I have to do but how much more grocery can my body handle? Oye.
I've applied for part time, I've applied for full time.   I've applied for retail outside of grocery. Department stores are somewhere I've never served but sign me up for the employee discounts, right?!  I'm a clearance girl anyway so I could really do some damage.
I've checked out local and semi-local.  I'm really ready for a change so I've started applying in dream area's.  I mean.  Why not, right?  Close enough to home in case of an emergency but far enough to start anew.  Why not start anew.  All I have is ability to start anew.  Come on, Anew!!

It's a different world too, because applications are all online now.  You might not even have the opportunity to look someone in the eye and shake their hand.  Drat.  This is my favorite part!  How are you supposed to see how groovy I can be if I can't shake your hand and make you chuckle at least once?!  It's exhausting.  Cover letters, resume's, praise God for a letter of reference. I am so, so grateful.  
 I'll do better at keeping you posted.  I just know you care so much ;)  And truly, any prayers would be so appreciated. 
Take care, friends. 

Blue Underwear

I’m not sure many people can actually trace back to the day their life shifted but I can.  I mean, I think most of us can say ‘when my parents divorced’ or ‘when I lost my virginity’ or even ‘when I got my first job or car.’  Absolutely those are life changing events that can lead to new directions.  But I can trace the cruciality in my life back to a pair of blue underwear.  Oh, I’m serious. 

At the end of my 8^th grade year I tried out for cheer-leading for freshman year.  I made it- and that next week at school I remember people talking to me who had never bothered to talk to me before.  I remember thinking, “what the heck is going on?”   I certainly hadn’t spread the news about being chosen and I didn’t know who was talking.  I also didn’t realize it was such a big deal that it would change anything very much.  Not to that extent, anyway…but it did. 

Freshman year was fun.  High School brought hundreds of new kids into the fish pond that I had gone all the way through elementary and jr. high with.  Being a cheerleader was fun, although confusing at times.  We didn’t have a lot of money and I found myself grateful that I was on a squad where nobody else really did to a great extent either.  We were a rag tag 5 girls from totally different backgrounds.  I still had my best friend from elementary school but she was more ‘mod’ than ‘cheerleader-y’.  She probably found us a little ridiculous. haha  But cheer-leading was good for me.  It kept me motivated to maintain good grades.  It got me involved in school events like games and dances.  It even brought a bit of attention that I sincerely didn’t notice…until it was gone.  Well, okay, I noticed it at the first rally when everyone threw pennies at us as tradition demanded.  Not cool when they pelt you in the head.

At the end of freshman year it was time to try out for sophomore squad.  This time we had a choice to try out for Song or Yell.  I chose Song.  (Yell was the traditional cheerleader and Song was more of the dance routines, etc.)  I had always taken dance at a kid and had a natural knack for it.  Plus I LOVED music and found a real joy in the dance routines we did.  Each of us prepared a number of our own making and finally the day came to try out.  Some girls float through all four years of being a cheerleader.  It’s pretty automatic that they will make it.  Buzz in the audition room was floating around about who was best and who would make it.  I remember a girl saying to me that I would make it for sure and I felt pretty confident that I might.  When you went out to audition there was a group of senior girls who were the judges along with one teacher, who was the head of the cheerleaders.  I am going to refrain from using names to protect the not so innocent.  After performing your routine there were a series of questions you had to answer.  Testing the character of a girl and not just her skill.  After my routine, which had gone fairly well I guess in that everything went as planned, no hitches; I stood for my series of questions.  All of the girls were laughing.  I wasn’t sure what had happened.  My routine had gone well.  I knew these girls from the previous year of squad.  I didn’t know what they were laughing at.  The laughter stifled and whispers started.  I heard one strong red-headed senior say, “I’ll do it, I’ll do it.”  Okay here we go.  She confidently asked me…about my underwear.  “Do you always wear blue underwear with white shorts?” she sneered to an outburst of laughter from the other girls.  My honest answer out of anxiety and loathing was, “No!!  I can explain… I can explain…”

That morning I had dressed and then grabbed the patriotic colored clothes of my school for auditions.  After school I walked home with a friend who lived near school so we could change and freshen up at her house.  While changing I realized…oh no.  I had navy blue underwear and my shorts where white.  Rule number one, right?!   So I slightly freaked out, but calmly asked my friend if I could borrow a pair of white underwear!!  It was awkward, I know, and some girls would have thought nothing of it- but this friend wasn’t comfortable loaning me any panties.  There was NO WAY I would ever make it all the way home and back in time.   So… off to the auditions I went…with blue underwear and white shorts.  Thus…during my whole audition…it wasn’t the hard earned routine they noticed at all but the lack of etiquette in my dress.  The scores are for things like “skill, rhythm, spirit, APPEARANCE, etc.”  So obviously, for appearance, I must have received all zeros.  Needless to say, I didn’t make the squad.  It was devastating to say the least.  Not just not making it- but the humiliation with which the news came.  After the squads had been announced the Teacher flatly told me, “You should have tried for Yell.” 

I was crushed.  My friends… my life… gone. 

Sophomore year started and I was truly lost.  You wouldn’t think it would be that big of a deal but looking back I can clearly see how lost I actually was.  This is the year I tried alcohol for the first time.  This is the year all my friends were only friends I had THAT year.  I rebelled.  I did poorly in school.  I was sent to live with my dad for a time because my mom had had it with me.  It was the only year I had to do summer school to make up for how poorly I had actually done during the school year.  I didn’t know who I was and I didn’t have a guideline or guidance to show me.  I floundered.  I adopted the attitude of, ‘if you can’t beat them- join them’ and started listening to heavy metal like my brothers and started smoking pot as well.  By junior year I was a full blown rocker and had found my identity.  It worked for me- and lasted through my senior year.  I didn’t care to go to college.  I didn’t believe I could.  I knew that working was my future and so I started in on a grocery career. 

You wouldn’t think that any of this would matter now- but what it does it show me how fragile we are as young people and how influence, or lack thereof, really can make all the difference in direction and choices we make.  Those were the years we didn’t go to church as a family.  Those were the years I didn’t have youth group.  Those were the years I believed in Jesus- but not enough to allow Him to comfort my pain.  I chose whatever source available to me in the moment.  Boys, drugs, lack of education. 

I’ve been looking at old pictures and remembering old decisions.  Thinking about what I would do differently if I could.  When I trace it all back- when I look for the cruciality that changed my path-  I really can trace it back to a pair of blue underwear. 

I wish I could say something brilliant about identity and choices.  About how had I been closer to Jesus and had my solid identity in Him-those girls laughter wouldn’t have wounded me so, or cheer-leading wouldn’t have been my answer to a straight path.   About how quickly a choice (like which underwear you wear that day) could affect the direction of your life!  But alas, I just am so, so, so grateful- that today I so totally DO know who I am.  Today if a gal called me out on my blue underwear I’d laugh with her- or sock her in the nose- I don’t know I go back and forth ;)  I’M KIDDING.  I NEVER wear dark underwear with light clothes so that would NEVER happen.  hehe. 

Thank you, Jesus!  That my identity is in YOU.  Thank You, for being my guidance and for healing the wounds in my soul that led to false beliefs of who I was or my worth or ability.  Thank You!!!!