I’m not sure
many people can actually trace back to the day their life shifted but I
can. I mean, I think most of us can say
‘when my parents divorced’ or ‘when I lost my virginity’ or even ‘when I got my
first job or car.’ Absolutely those are
life changing events that can lead to new directions. But I can trace the cruciality in my life
back to a pair of blue underwear. Oh,
I’m serious.
At the end
of my 8th grade year I tried out for cheer-leading for freshman
year. I made it- and that next week at
school I remember people talking to me who had never bothered to talk to me
before. I remember thinking, “what the
heck is going on?” I certainly hadn’t spread the news about being
chosen and I didn’t know who was talking.
I also didn’t realize it was such a big deal that it would change
anything very much. Not to that extent,
anyway…but it did.
Freshman
year was fun. High School brought
hundreds of new kids into the fish pond that I had gone all the way through
elementary and jr. high with. Being a
cheerleader was fun, although confusing at times. We didn’t have a lot of money and I found
myself grateful that I was on a squad where nobody else really did to a great
extent either. We were a rag tag 5 girls
from totally different backgrounds. I
still had my best friend from elementary school but she was more ‘mod’ than
‘cheerleader-y’. She probably found us a
little ridiculous. haha But cheer-leading
was good for me. It kept me motivated to
maintain good grades. It got me involved
in school events like games and dances.
It even brought a bit of attention that I sincerely didn’t notice…until
it was gone. Well, okay, I noticed it at
the first rally when everyone threw pennies at us as tradition demanded. Not cool when they pelt you in the head.
At the end
of freshman year it was time to try out for sophomore squad. This time we had a choice to try out for Song
or Yell. I chose Song. (Yell was the traditional cheerleader and
Song was more of the dance routines, etc.)
I had always taken dance at a kid and had a natural knack for it. Plus I LOVED music and found a real joy in
the dance routines we did. Each of us
prepared a number of our own making and finally the day came to try out. Some girls float through all four years of
being a cheerleader. It’s pretty
automatic that they will make it. Buzz
in the audition room was floating around about who was best and who would make
it. I remember a girl saying to me that
I would make it for sure and I felt pretty confident that I might. When you went out to audition there was a
group of senior girls who were the judges along with one teacher, who was the
head of the cheerleaders. I am going to
refrain from using names to protect the not so innocent. After performing your routine there were a
series of questions you had to answer. Testing
the character of a girl and not just her skill.
After my routine, which had gone fairly well I guess in that everything
went as planned, no hitches; I stood for my series of questions. All of the girls were laughing. I wasn’t sure what had happened. My routine had gone well. I knew these girls from the previous year of
squad. I didn’t know what they were
laughing at. The laughter stifled and
whispers started. I heard one strong
red-headed senior say, “I’ll do it, I’ll do it.” Okay here we go. She confidently asked me…about my
underwear. “Do you always wear blue
underwear with white shorts?” she sneered to an outburst of laughter from the
other girls. My honest answer out of
anxiety and loathing was, “No!! I can
explain… I can explain…”
That morning
I had dressed and then grabbed the patriotic colored clothes of my school for
auditions. After school I walked home
with a friend who lived near school so we could change and freshen up at her
house. While changing I realized…oh
no. I had navy blue underwear and my
shorts where white. Rule number one,
right?! So I slightly freaked out, but
calmly asked my friend if I could borrow a pair of white underwear!! It was awkward, I know, and some girls would
have thought nothing of it- but this friend wasn’t comfortable loaning me any
panties. There was NO WAY I would ever
make it all the way home and back in time.
So… off to the auditions I
went…with blue underwear and white shorts.
Thus…during my whole audition…it wasn’t the hard earned routine they
noticed at all but the lack of etiquette in my dress. The scores are for things like “skill,
rhythm, spirit, APPEARANCE, etc.” So
obviously, for appearance, I must have received all zeros. Needless to say, I didn’t make the
squad. It was devastating to say the
least. Not just not making it- but the
humiliation with which the news came. After the squads had been announced the Teacher flatly told me, “You
should have tried for Yell.”
I was
crushed. My friends… my life… gone.
Sophomore
year started and I was truly lost. You
wouldn’t think it would be that big of a deal but looking back I can clearly
see how lost I actually was. This is the
year I tried alcohol for the first time.
This is the year all my friends were only friends I had THAT year. I rebelled.
I did poorly in school. I was
sent to live with my dad for a time because my mom had had it with me. It was the only year I had to do summer
school to make up for how poorly I had actually done during the school
year. I didn’t know who I was and I
didn’t have a guideline or guidance to show me.
I floundered. I adopted the
attitude of, ‘if you can’t beat them- join them’ and started listening to heavy
metal like my brothers and started smoking pot as well. By junior year I was a full blown rocker and
had found my identity. It worked for me-
and lasted through my senior year. I
didn’t care to go to college. I didn’t
believe I could. I knew that working was
my future and so I started in on a grocery career.
You wouldn’t
think that any of this would matter now- but what it does it show me how
fragile we are as young people and how influence, or lack thereof, really can
make all the difference in direction and choices we make. Those were the years we didn’t go to church
as a family. Those were the years I
didn’t have youth group. Those were the
years I believed in Jesus- but not enough to allow Him to comfort my pain. I chose whatever
source available to me in the moment.
Boys, drugs, lack of education.
I’ve been
looking at old pictures and remembering old decisions. Thinking about what I would do differently if
I could. When I trace it all back- when
I look for the cruciality that changed my path-
I really can trace it back to a pair of blue underwear.
I wish I
could say something brilliant about identity and choices. About how had I been closer to Jesus and had
my solid identity in Him-those girls laughter wouldn’t have wounded me so, or
cheer-leading wouldn’t have been my answer to a straight path. About how quickly a choice (like which
underwear you wear that day) could affect the direction of your life! But alas, I just am so, so, so grateful- that
today I so totally DO know who I am.
Today if a gal called me out on my blue underwear I’d laugh with her- or
sock her in the nose- I don’t know I go back and forth ;) I’M KIDDING.
I NEVER wear dark underwear with light clothes so that would NEVER happen. hehe.
Thank you,
Jesus! That my identity is in YOU. Thank You, for being my guidance and for
healing the wounds in my soul that led to false beliefs of who I was or my
worth or ability. Thank You!!!!
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