Well, spoiler alert...this will not be my most uplifting blog- so- tune out now if you don't really want to know how I'm doing...
I admit it- today I am depressed. My body has been a bit wiggy this week, but today I actually left class to come back and crash. I can handle a lot- God must think so because He sure allows it to pile up in my life. I'm not sure people realize the level of stress that comes with this course- and if I hear one more person say how 'great' it must be in Hawaii I may spit. Yes, Hawaii is amazing. Yes, it would be wonderful to live here...but I live in a book. I have had about 3 full days in "Hawaii" and they have been FANTASTIC and beyond needed. Praise You, God... seriously. Sometimes, when stress becomes too much- my body decides to shut down on me. I have had some warning signs all week- but today came the anxiety and shaky weak body.
In 2008 I suffered a health crash- I was diagnosed with adrenal fatigue. The stress in my life at that time was through the roof and my body said, 'enough.' It has taken all of these last-wow- 5 years to build my body back to wellness. I am intentional about what I eat, how active I am, my sleep. I stretch it sometimes like anyone, but for the most part I am truly intentional about wellness. Supplements, diet, you name it. The one thing I am missing here is exercise, but if you saw the campus you'd see I am not completely without that. Natural stair steppers and cardio built in :) Still I think it would be healthy to find a way of working something in. But my point is- when stress becomes too much, my body is easily depleted of what it takes to maintain and... I crash. Yesterday I seriously, without exaggeration had a moment where I thought I might lose my mind. Actually- lose my mind. It was scary. The thing is- you can't just quit. Homework is due at a certain hour and you can't just say- 'okay- I need to be done now.' If you don't complete your assignment it's an automatic D...so... yeah, um. NO. That happened to me once last quarter- it was the biggest assignment we had and I spent days and days- hours on it... I didn't quite finish... I got a D. Ugh. So much work. So my body is rebelling a bit-
I'm worried- I know... we shouldn't worry- but I am worried about money. I am concerned about the IRS taking my refund this year to go towards my ex husbands fiasco- if they do, I will literally have no money of my own anywhere. I took half of my retirement to pay for the first quarter of this school, by God's grace and the hair of my chinny chin chin the second quarter was paid for- shout out to my Mom and Dolpy for bailing the tail end out- Now 3rd quarter is around the corner and IF we are going on outreach- which I will do if the money is there and I won't if it's not- they need an additional $2000. deposit for that by the end of this quarter. Outreach is to teach underground pastors in China how to study the bible. When I asked God if I was supposed to go (this is the only course where outreach is optional) He answered, "Why would I not want you to go?" So... I need to see some serious miracles. I have less than $100. combined my checking and savings accounts. I am looking at ways to reduce my expenses, of course, but some things are just what they are- and it is hard for me to not be "earning." It's in my blood. Ironic. In some ways I am working harder than I ever have...and yet... I am paying them. hehe. Kingdom work is more expensive it seems- but so rewarding when you see the one life touched or changed.
I want to hear clearly from God. I'm all boggled.
I want a plan. I want to know the direction. I'm stressed out and tired. Second quarter is barely under way and Isaiah is next week, LORD HAVE MERCY!! I want someone to come and hold me. I'm tired of being strong and so often getting screwed. My big computer quit working, I pray I don't lose everything on it. I want to punch my ex in the nose because he got me into the IRS fix and he could fix my computer, but I will be dad gummed if I'm going there.
Please don't think I don't know how blessed I am.
I would never have made it here without favor. I have food, a bed, a shower, on Sunday's I get to sit at the ocean with Jesus. I am blessed. But I feel alone. I know I'm not- Jesus is so with me. I know He is sufficient- but He doesn't hold me in the evening. I've never really had a partner. My mom is my partner. Thanks, Mom...but she can't carry it all. She shouldn't have to.
I know you can hear how twisted I am. I can too, and I'm sorry. But I am not going to hide this journey from you. I WILL NOT be false. I am struggling...and next week will be better. I just... don't see how God is going to pull all of this off. I know that HOW is really none of my business- my business is to focus on Him- I'm trying. I'm trying to be content. But money freaks me out and when my body gives in...trouble. I know it's attack- I put on my armor, I pray the prayers. But I'm human.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Friday, January 11, 2013
2nd quarter begins...
Hey, guys!
Just wanted to try to keep up a bit so a ton of time doesn't go by and then it's a super long blog ;)
What a tough couple of days. I have really been trying to maintain the whole 'content' attitude, but I swear, it's being tested!! Of course, right?
Campus has the highest number of students ever again this quarter and I think they must be 'still learning' how to deal with us all. A couple of times they have run out of food and they'll serve corn dogs or the same thing they served for lunch... When you consider that it's not like we have a ton of food in our rooms to eat it's frustrating. Most of us do keep some food, cup of noodles has become my comfort food... SO BAD. I NEVER ate cup of noodles at home!!! I have taken to boiling eggs just to get 6 grams of protein here and there. Praise you, God- makes you grateful to have food at all, seriously.
We have started the Prophets and it feels like starting completely over. It's a language I do not speak and a way of thinking I do not follow. It's interesting to always think of yourself one way- and then realize when you are challenged that you are not that person at all! I always thought I was pretty easy going... um, no. I am a detail person!!! Oh my gosh.... I cannot let go... I need to get every detail right and that is just not possible. It's not like stocking a shelf, man....it's... so draining. I went to my grader 3 times today for the one paper I was working on. Even in the end she said, "It's decent. It is, but I think you will want to make some changes after doing the next part of your work." Ugh. Now, mind you- this is the sweetest woman... but MAN!! I just was NOT getting it. Needless to say there have already been tears of frustration this quarter... 4 days in. I find myself wanting to escape and that is just not possible. Last quarter I was still living on some of my own money so I went down for a burger sometimes...I have to be so much more careful now. I am down to the lowest amounts I have seen in my accounts in a loooong time and it's...scary. How do I pay for my vitamins, how do I pay for my phone? How will You cover 3rd quarter, Lord? What is my part? Am I going on outreach?? So I went to be with Jesus by the water last night. Such an amazing thing to be able to go to this gorgeous sunset and speak with the creator of it all. I cried, I told Him I was worried. He told me not to be. He brought me here..."Look where you ARE." I know...I know! I remember very clearly being in the pit at the end of my marriage and so stressed I seriously couldn't see straight. I was on my face in prayer fervently asking..."Just get me to Kona, Lord. Just get me to Kona." I just knew that everything would turn around here. I just knew that everything would align and start to make sense. Much has...for sure. But I still don't know what comes next and that really takes its toll. How I love a plan. When did I become such a control freak? Maybe the question is, when did I grow up? I just need to realize that I can be content in all circumstances. He won't let me go without what I truly need. He has never failed me. I think to myself, 'what is the worst thing that could happen?' I suppose the worst thing that could happen would be I would have to move home and get a job. Not do the full blown missionary thing. People do it. I've done it. I may do it again. If that is the worst thing... ok. But I am going to try my best to walk this out. Make an impact. I have good friends who have done this for years, I realize now what cajones of steel they have to live on support as missionaries. Whitlers, Aaron, Sustars, Hodges... you guys are badasses. I commend you for the years you have walked out your faith in Trust for His provision and all you have seen Him accomplish through you as a result. I admire you. I appreciate your example in my life.
Please pray for us! We are going, full steam ahead. Pray for supernatural understanding and ability. That God's purpose for this learning would be accomplished. Pray that we would not be distracted or seek unhealthy ways of coping. That we would be loving to one another through the stress. And for money...for all of us...for support. For His will to be done. For lives to be changed. Thank you so much.
Just wanted to try to keep up a bit so a ton of time doesn't go by and then it's a super long blog ;)
What a tough couple of days. I have really been trying to maintain the whole 'content' attitude, but I swear, it's being tested!! Of course, right?
Campus has the highest number of students ever again this quarter and I think they must be 'still learning' how to deal with us all. A couple of times they have run out of food and they'll serve corn dogs or the same thing they served for lunch... When you consider that it's not like we have a ton of food in our rooms to eat it's frustrating. Most of us do keep some food, cup of noodles has become my comfort food... SO BAD. I NEVER ate cup of noodles at home!!! I have taken to boiling eggs just to get 6 grams of protein here and there. Praise you, God- makes you grateful to have food at all, seriously.
We have started the Prophets and it feels like starting completely over. It's a language I do not speak and a way of thinking I do not follow. It's interesting to always think of yourself one way- and then realize when you are challenged that you are not that person at all! I always thought I was pretty easy going... um, no. I am a detail person!!! Oh my gosh.... I cannot let go... I need to get every detail right and that is just not possible. It's not like stocking a shelf, man....it's... so draining. I went to my grader 3 times today for the one paper I was working on. Even in the end she said, "It's decent. It is, but I think you will want to make some changes after doing the next part of your work." Ugh. Now, mind you- this is the sweetest woman... but MAN!! I just was NOT getting it. Needless to say there have already been tears of frustration this quarter... 4 days in. I find myself wanting to escape and that is just not possible. Last quarter I was still living on some of my own money so I went down for a burger sometimes...I have to be so much more careful now. I am down to the lowest amounts I have seen in my accounts in a loooong time and it's...scary. How do I pay for my vitamins, how do I pay for my phone? How will You cover 3rd quarter, Lord? What is my part? Am I going on outreach?? So I went to be with Jesus by the water last night. Such an amazing thing to be able to go to this gorgeous sunset and speak with the creator of it all. I cried, I told Him I was worried. He told me not to be. He brought me here..."Look where you ARE." I know...I know! I remember very clearly being in the pit at the end of my marriage and so stressed I seriously couldn't see straight. I was on my face in prayer fervently asking..."Just get me to Kona, Lord. Just get me to Kona." I just knew that everything would turn around here. I just knew that everything would align and start to make sense. Much has...for sure. But I still don't know what comes next and that really takes its toll. How I love a plan. When did I become such a control freak? Maybe the question is, when did I grow up? I just need to realize that I can be content in all circumstances. He won't let me go without what I truly need. He has never failed me. I think to myself, 'what is the worst thing that could happen?' I suppose the worst thing that could happen would be I would have to move home and get a job. Not do the full blown missionary thing. People do it. I've done it. I may do it again. If that is the worst thing... ok. But I am going to try my best to walk this out. Make an impact. I have good friends who have done this for years, I realize now what cajones of steel they have to live on support as missionaries. Whitlers, Aaron, Sustars, Hodges... you guys are badasses. I commend you for the years you have walked out your faith in Trust for His provision and all you have seen Him accomplish through you as a result. I admire you. I appreciate your example in my life.
Please pray for us! We are going, full steam ahead. Pray for supernatural understanding and ability. That God's purpose for this learning would be accomplished. Pray that we would not be distracted or seek unhealthy ways of coping. That we would be loving to one another through the stress. And for money...for all of us...for support. For His will to be done. For lives to be changed. Thank you so much.
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