I am human.

Well, spoiler alert...this will not be my most uplifting blog- so- tune out now if you don't really want to know how I'm doing...
I admit it- today I am depressed.  My body has been a bit wiggy this week, but today I actually left class to come back and crash.  I can handle a lot- God must think so because He sure allows it to pile up in my life. I'm not sure people realize the level of stress that comes with this course- and if I hear one more person say how 'great' it must be in Hawaii I may spit.  Yes, Hawaii is amazing.  Yes, it would be wonderful to live here...but I live in a book.  I have had about 3 full days in "Hawaii" and they have been FANTASTIC and beyond needed.  Praise You, God... seriously.  Sometimes, when stress becomes too much- my body decides to shut down on me.  I have had some warning signs all week- but today came the anxiety and shaky weak body.
In 2008 I suffered a health crash- I was diagnosed with adrenal fatigue.  The stress in my life at that time was through the roof and my body said, 'enough.'  It has taken all of these last-wow- 5 years to build my body back to wellness.  I am intentional about what I eat, how active I am, my sleep.  I stretch it sometimes like anyone, but for the most part I am truly intentional about wellness. Supplements, diet, you name it.  The one thing I am missing here is exercise, but if you saw the campus you'd see I am not completely without that. Natural stair steppers and cardio built in :)  Still I think it would be healthy to find a way of working something in.  But my point is- when stress becomes too much, my body is easily depleted of what it takes to maintain and... I crash.  Yesterday I seriously, without exaggeration had a moment where I thought I might lose my mind.  Actually- lose my mind.  It was scary.  The thing is- you can't just quit.  Homework is due at a certain hour and you can't just say- 'okay- I need to be done now.' If you don't complete your assignment it's an automatic D...so... yeah, um.  NO.  That happened to me once last quarter- it was the biggest assignment we had and I spent days and days- hours on it... I didn't quite finish... I got a D.  Ugh.  So much work.  So my body is rebelling a bit-
I'm worried- I know... we shouldn't worry- but I am worried about money.  I am concerned about the IRS taking my refund this year to go towards my ex husbands fiasco- if they do, I will literally have no money of my own anywhere.  I took half of my retirement to pay for the first quarter of this school, by God's grace and the hair of my chinny chin chin the second quarter was paid for- shout out to my Mom and Dolpy for bailing the tail end out- Now 3rd quarter is around the corner and IF we are going on outreach- which I will do if the money is there and I won't if it's not- they need an additional $2000. deposit for that by the end of this quarter.  Outreach is to teach underground pastors in China how to study the bible.  When I asked God if I was supposed to go (this is the only course where outreach is optional) He answered, "Why would I not want you to go?"  So... I need to see some serious miracles.  I have less than $100. combined my checking and savings accounts.  I am looking at ways to reduce my expenses, of course, but some things are just what they are- and it is hard for me to not be "earning."  It's in my blood.  Ironic.  In some ways I am working harder than I ever have...and yet... I am paying them. hehe.  Kingdom work is more expensive it seems- but so rewarding when you see the one life touched or changed.
I want to hear clearly from God.  I'm all boggled.
I want a plan.  I want to know the direction.  I'm stressed out and tired.  Second quarter is barely under way and Isaiah is next week, LORD HAVE MERCY!! I want someone to come and hold me.  I'm tired of being strong and so often getting screwed.  My big computer quit working, I pray I don't lose everything on it.  I want to punch my ex in the nose because he got me into the IRS fix and he could fix my computer, but I will be dad gummed if I'm going there.
Please don't think I don't know how blessed I am.
I would never have made it here without favor.  I have food, a bed, a shower, on Sunday's I get to sit at the ocean with Jesus.  I am blessed.  But I feel alone.  I know I'm not- Jesus is so with me.  I know He is sufficient- but He doesn't hold me in the evening.  I've never really had a partner.  My mom is my partner.  Thanks, Mom...but she can't carry it all. She shouldn't have to.
I know you can hear how twisted I am.  I can too, and I'm sorry.  But I am not going to hide this journey from you.  I WILL NOT be false.  I am struggling...and next week will be better.  I just... don't see how God is going to pull all of this off.  I know that HOW is really none of my business- my business is to focus on Him- I'm trying.  I'm trying to be content.  But money freaks me out and when my body gives in...trouble. I know it's attack- I put on my armor, I pray the prayers.  But I'm human.