To Sin and Back again...story of our lives

I hate it when I have SO much to say.  Who wants to read a really long blog? Not me.  I love the person, but wrap it up already, hehe.  So I pray this isn't too, too long. :)
GOD IS SO AMAZING. See, I could stop there. But... for the sake of glorifying Him, I won't...

I got to come home for Christmas.  It was such an amazing miracle- God basically showed me that He will send support from area's and people I would NEVER have imagined.  He roused the heart and mind of an 'ex' enemy to buy me a plane ticket home.  At first, I didn't even trust it- but God spoke and all was well. So cool... Hallelujah!  It has been so sweet, my mom and step dad are both here from the Netherlands and I haven't had a holiday with both of them in I don't know how many years.
Home is a trip.  The first couple of days I couldn't even unwind- it was like I still had the mentality that 'if I sit still too long it will cost me.' Ah, the ever stressful weight of homework... just...gone.  Weird.  It has flown by and I am headed back to school in two days- but I have been handling some business and dealing with some old demons.  Try going to the IRS office the last week of the year, not fun- only to be told there is no one who can help you working and have to come back... on the very last day of the year!! Oh, Lord have mercy.

I have been dealing with some brokenness.  At first I thought it was great to be home and then I wondered if it was the best thing, actually.  It's easy to slip into old behaviors, old patterns.  I can do it anywhere, it is a heart issue- but being home with all of the old fixes readily available makes it easier to fail.  I have had some failures.  Whether others realize it or not, I have.  I know I have and God knows I have.  I wonder how I can be so conflicted inside- how I can be this totally committed mission minded sold out lover of Jesus Christ and a rotten minded, lover of the flesh, lazy fool at the same time.  Last night I went to bed wondering what is seriously wrong with me.  I've been asking Him for quite some time to help me in my struggles, to reveal to me how to go about changing.  School is so intense that it hasn't healed me of any of my wounds, it makes me seek the old fixes to deal with it.  Baaaad mindset.  You can't 'be good enough' you can't 'fight hard enough' to ignore brokenness.  It is there, around every corner until you call it by name, look it in the eye and address it.  Period. End of story- there are no short cuts to healing or deliverance.  So last night, I felt so empty.  I felt like, 'how am I supposed to go and tell others? Be used, when I feel so distant from You, God?'  He has been with me.  He has done miraculous things- but like drugs- when you first get a fix of Him, it's such a high- then with time it takes more and more of Him to reach that same high.  Soon, if you are not completely plugged into the source you won't get the high.  You just go through the motions of using- without the same results.
This morning I had a dream.  It was so brief and so complete.
A skinny homeless woman was walking across the back yard here at home.  She was 'cutting through'.  She walked confidently- but like she knew what she was doing was wrong.  I was so irritated at the injustice, my first instinct was to call the police and let her face the consequences of her choice. Justice.
She had a brown sweatshirt with a quilt patterned Mickey Mouse head on it with frayed ears.  I asked God, "What does it mean, Lord? What does it symbolize?"
DISCONTENTMENT.
Everything in that moment was clear in my soul. (It doesn't have to make sense to you, the dream was for me.) Her sin- what she knowingly did in the wrong- was from her discontentment.  She acted out of that place of brokenness instead of being content and doing things right.  She took a detour, a short cut.
She was me.
The Mickey Mouse head represented Disneyland.  The perfect place (to me), always wanting to be there, to escape.  To be someplace other than where I am.  It's all me.  Discontent.  Sinning out of that discontentment.  Justice is what was required but mercy was given.  I felt so much grace, so much forgiveness.  I have been asking and asking God what was so wrong with me- I knew it was something- and I didn't know how to focus on what could change it... now I do.  Here is my prayer from my journal this morning...sin aside.
God, Daddy...thank You SO MUCH for Your mercy.  Thank You for showing me where I am broken. I have been wondering and struggling so greatly.  I was afraid this sin was my thorn- I am so grateful that You have revealed to me the source of my sin.  I'm not crazy or bad.  I'm discontent.  I know now how great a problem this is- and I will work on it.  Change me.  Holy Spirit.  Reveal to me when I am acting out of discontentment and ...oh...I'm so excited!!  This changes everything. EVERYTHING!! Complaining, flexibility...  I could not be more grateful this morning- more humbled- more restored.
God has spared me justice and granted me mercy.  I am so unworthy of Your love, God.  I am so unworthy of your grace.  Last night I was so lost, disconnected, and this morning- by Your Provision and grace; with one swift movement of a dream- You reveal my brokenness and aim for fixing it.

I'm going back to school with a new perspective.  This quarter has to be different.  Please pray for us, as our Joy has been opposed.  Our Sabbaths have been robbed, and I HAVE to learn how to get my ipod to work w/ my new itunes account so I can WORSHIP MY SOCKS OFF!!! I need it!!!   Also for financial support.   Second quarter fees are due upon my return and I am still in need of about $1200.  I trust Him.  He did, after all, rouse the heart and mind of an ex enemy- what might He do through those I am blessed to be loved by?
I love you guys, I appreciate you.
Father bless my friends, bless all who read these words.  May Your Spirit reveal to theirs what you would have them know thru them.  Glorify thy name, Lord...please... receive Your glory.  ICJN.

Happiest Thanksgiving

Well I am sorry it has been a bit since my last post! Crazy, crazy...
I have a couple miracles to tell you about- one is not yet my story to tell, but I will say that God is at work and blowing my mind...I look forward to giving you the details of that one as soon as I am able... but it ties into the second one in a way... the message God is driving home to me this last week is how totally in control He really is.  For someone who has control issues (I am NOT in denial about that and have gotten so much better over the years!) it is hard to trust and 'let go.'

Tuesday evening I was working in the library; one of the only places I can find where it is quiet to work.  It was about 9:15pm and my phone rang.  Nothing like the sound of the Pirates of the Caribbean singing "Yo Ho Yo Ho a Pirate's life for me!" at top ringer volume in the middle of a silent library.  I grabbed my phone and saw a California number.  I didn't recognize it but I answered as soon as possible just to get it to stop ringing!!  "Hello?" I said softly and hopefully not to the annoyance of anyone else in the library.  I was rushing towards the door to get outside so I couldn't tune in well to the voice on the other end saying, "Helloooooo, Leaaaaah."  "Hi," I said totally unaware of who I was speaking to.  "This is Aunt Annette."  I was so thrilled- and surprised!  "HI!!" I said meaning it this time.... "what are you doing calling me so late?( I was thinking after the time change there it should be around 11:15pm there) Are you okay?!!" I had just had a dream of her two nights earlier, so instantly I was wondering if something was wrong... "Actually, it's not that late," she responded..."We are on your time.  We are in Hawaii."  WHAT?!!!  "That is sooo great, where in Hawaii?"  "We are in Kona."  I about fell over.  No joke, "What?!  What?!  You're in Kona? Where in Kona? Do I get to see you???"  I could barely get the words out quick enough.  "Well, what are you doing for Thanksgiving we would like to take you to dinner."  I could not respond.  I went into that deep silent cry that has no sound.  She must have thought she lost me... I tried to make some sound so she would know I was still there...but I just couldn't speak.
It's amazing to me how God not only knows what we need, but He provides it without even being asked.  There was no part of me that thought I would ever, ever see Family here, let alone on Thanksgiving Day!!  It was unbelievable!
They came to the campus around 2:45pm.  I was out standing on a huge lava rock on the Hwy. so they would see me and not miss the turn.  Straight out of a movie I watched every car passing not knowing which car would be their rental.  Then a car slowed in the distance and I heard the horn start honking.  Hooooonk! honk honk hooooooonk!  My arms flew straight up into the air and I jumped up and down like a child.  I jumped off the rock.  I wonder if I have ever been happier to see two people.  hehe.  Huge hug from Aunt Annette and a quick jump into the backseat to take them through the gate and onto campus.  We went up to my dorm room.  "Oh, Leah," Aunt Annette said as we walked on the Lanai, "these are so nice."  I had to grin and say, 'okay...' because I knew we were about to walk into the room and it would be a different story!  We were not two steps in the door when her sweet face changed, "Oh, Leah..." she said again and we both started laughing.  Immediately upon walking in you see four beds, there are two in a loft upstairs you cannot see, but 6 women in one flat is quite a bit.  "I couldn't do it," she said, "I just couldn't do it."  I really appreciated hearing that because it has been the most character stretching thing for me as well.  I love my roommates, I really do.  I am so blessed by them, but hey, it's not easy.  You have to respect when someone else is sleeping or trying to work.  When they need in the bathroom and when they need to cook.  Others actually come into our room and always comment on how nice it is, but it is because we are older and tidy :)
I showed them around, it took about 10 steps, and the bathroom. "Oh, Leah... one bathroom for 6 girls?"  I didn't dare tell her we may get 2 more roommates next quarter! (ugh)  I explained the ONE spot on the shower handle where it MUST be in order to get hot water.  Not one smidge to the left or right or you will have cold water and tonight is actually the first time I have ever had truly hot water!  Praise You, Jesus!!  Really makes you appreciate the ability to take a shower at all!
I showed them my homework, what we actually do.  It felt so good to show someone and explain what is required.  To tell them how long it takes and how it flows.  They saw Ohana court, which is a basketball court and covered area where we have services that is right below our window... Aunt Annette recalled a mission trip to the Philippines that they had taken where they were above a basketball court and how difficult it was to sleep with just a bouncing basket ball.  It felt so good to have someone understand.  It felt so good just to have them here, standing in my room, seeing where I live.
We left for the restaurant and it was right down the hill.  It was an absolutely wonderful dinner on the water.  It was cool and even sprinkled a bit, but in Hawaii that is just fun.  It was cloudy but Aunt Annette wanted to see the sun set.  Who doesn't!  So I shot an arrow prayer up, "Oh, Lord, please let the sun come out of the clouds for her.  She's so good."  Sure enough when there was only about 10 minutes left before the sun would set, the clouds parted on the horizon and the huge red sun was visible with just a picture perfect cloud strand in front of it.  The sun set never gets old here, and it is amazing how quickly it appears to move when it is that close to the horizon.  It takes what seems to be no time at all to disappear.  It was gorgeous, and so generous of our Father.
I felt so honored to be with them.  To express to them, again, who they are to me and who they have never failed to be.  Jim and Annette King have been married for almost 40 years.  They are the true example in my life of what a marriage can and should look like.  They genuinely like each other!  They love each other and laugh and touch. He honors her and compliments her.  She calls him "James" (and babe) when everyone else calls him Jim.  I love it.
After dinner we drove and walked.  I thought they would take me back but we lingered in each other's presence and it was so, so wonderful. We had ice cream and conversation.  We laughed and remembered.  We had true conversation that I will not repeat here, and aren't those the good ones?  It was very possibly the best Thanksgiving I have ever had.  Who would have thunk it?
They dropped me off with hugs and prayer.  I got all choked up as I waved good bye.  I haven't had a night in a long time that I didn't want to end, and I treasured each bit of it throughout.

I didn't ask God for family on Thanksgiving.  But He knew how badly I needed them.  I didn't ask Him to validate all I'm doing here... but He did that, too.  I didn't ask Him to send two of my favorite people on the planet to love on me, but He did.  Think how much more, then, He will give when I ask.  He cares SO MUCH about me.  Me.. lil ol me.  He is right here, right now, as I type.  He is in me, for me, and working it all out for my good.
I have been...concerned...about how school is going to be paid.  How my LIFE will be paid if I am a full blown missionary.  I have the pride that needs to die a full death.  But He is showing me... I've got it.  "You don't even know where I will send provision from."  You don't know how it will show up or where it will come from.  Which angle or why.  He's got me, He's really, really got me.  Damn my lack of trust to the deepest pit of hell!!!  My Daddy LOVES ME!!! and He's GOT ME!!!  He loves me.  He's got me.

I am preparing my end of year newsletter dealie bob.  I have never done one, so please pray for me.  I don't have Microsoft Publisher but I am trying to figure it out somehow.  Pray I get time to write it and that I say what needs to be said and don't waste time saying what doesn't.  Pray for the hearts and minds of those who are called to support me monthly to be touched... I don't have many monthly supporters, 3 actually, and it is so hard to ask for that.  I wish I could express how much it means to me that people give gifts.  I wish I could say I don't need them.  I wish money never needed to be mentioned- ever.

Thanks for reading...sorry it was so long.  I appreciate you guys, I really do. ICJN, Leah

The good, the bad, and the truly ugly...

Hello, boys and girls.

I hesitate to be honest with you about this last week, but be honest I must as that is all there is….

Last week was the hardest I have had here yet.  I was attacked on every level.  Sunday I felt like my adrenals were lagging, which I hadn’t felt in quite some time but it is a sign of working too hard and not eating as well as I would like to.  Monday my back was out and I could barely function.  The good news is that I had prayed and asked the Lord for healing 3 different times not understanding why it wouldn’t come- I used to go to the chiropractor every two weeks, but not only had I not found one here I know I can’t afford to go every two weeks.  Finally, one of my precious roommates said, “you know- I want to pray for you but I know it wouldn’t do anything, so…”  “What?!  That’s it, come on…” I said.   She was what I was waiting for.  “Let’s go, let’s do it…” I said.  She was hesitant with her own struggles in the week.  As she prayed, saying all the ‘right things’ I cried out to God in my pain and desire for HER to receive.  “Please show her,” I prayed, “Pleeease…show her, and heal ME!!” It was a total combination of selfless and selfish! 

My pain did not completely go away, but I could tell the worst part of it- my rib head- had gone back in.  My range of motion was instantly better and I could stretch.  I wept as we hugged, we were both blown away.  I told her, “It was your prayer of faith I needed. Thank you so much.  Thank you SO MUCH for not holding out on me!”  It was amazing.  I took a shower and she asked me, “how is your back?”  I said, “It’s better… it’s not gone, but it’s better.”  “Well, I guess we need to pray again.”  she said.  She laid her hand on my back and prayed again.  I was so much better, it was literally like being able to breathe.  I was sore, like after an injury, but so so much better.  I knew God was giving me reprieve to get my butt in gear and find a chiropractor. It was the best part of my week.  

Tuesday we had a training regarding a computer program we need for our computers in order to do all the required charts and forms for homework.  I couldn’t download it because I don’t have Microsoft office installed.  I have Microsoft ‘starter’ but not the full office so I couldn’t do it.  You might think this is no big deal, but let me tell you the combination of these events sent me into a breakdown. I lost it.  It is always one more thing here, and last week our homework was due by Thursday morning so we could go on a field trip of ‘wandering in the desert.’  The added pressure and the thought of spending an additional $100. on Microsoft office just sent me to the scary place.  I had a million complaints, but I won’t list them now.  I was in the middle of having it out with God good, when my mother called.  Perfect timing because I had told myself I was NOT going to call her.  Poor woman probably thinks the world is falling apart, she hears my every grumble.  My breakdown cost me hours of homework time- but when I got back to my dorm and sat to do some work…I opened a ‘less than pleasant’ email that sent me into, well, let’s just call it, a ‘not so great' evening.  I won't go into the details of what the email was about or who it was from.  Not everything should be aired on the internet.  What I will say is that God cares more about our character than our comfort, and there are things here that are extremely UNcomfortable.  

Ending on a high note, yesterday I had the most fun ‘playing’ that I have had in more years than I could count.  What a much needed blessing.  Our ‘wandering’ field trip led to some much needed relaxation.  We went to a black sand beach for a few hours.  Oh…my…gosh.  You could wander out hundreds of feet into the water, but still touch the sand under the waves.  I have never experienced anything like it…so basically, I could touch the bottom but was out in the middle of full waves coming in and breaking.  It was amazing.  I was a bit afraid at first…but not enough to not do it.  I could stand after all… I was very, very careful and aware of the fact that anyone of these waves, if not respected, could kill me in a flat second.  But life… is for living… so in I went.  It was absolutely the most fun I think I have had in I don’t know how long.  I have only one other time ever, played in waves like that and I think I was about 13 or 14 years old with the Mercer family in Santa Cruz.  Even then it wasn’t like this.  Huge waves breaking over me, duck diving under them watching the darkness turn to light.  Swallowing entirely too much salt water and it burning the back of my throat and nasal passage.  Laughing.  Laughing out loud by myself- being tossed a few times and smacked around a bit.  Having my drawers literally ripped off and caught only by the swift grab!!  It was powerful, exciting, relaxing, and fun.  I had fun.  I had fun. I had fun!!!!  Every now and then there is a moment here, where I have calmness and I can look up.  I can say, “I am in Hawaii right now” and try to remember what that means.  I am not living a tropical life, I am not living the life over here.  I am working my butt of and it is literally taking all I have to do it.  ALL I have, and mostly what I don’t have… God is working it out so that I can become someone who knows His word.  I pray, I pray it all sticks.  This Friday is our first test and we have started the book of Joshua.  I am learning things I never knew, and I am so grateful. 

Well there it is.  The good, the bad, and the truly ugly.

Pray for us… its war… and we are fighting. J xoxo 

Outreach

To go on outreach, or not to go on outreach... that is the question.

Normally when you take a course through YWAM the automatic conclusion is a field assessment  (aka outreach, a mission trip.)  The purpose is to apply all that you have just learned and accomplished in your lecture phase in the mission field.  It is not an easy accomplishment.  It is not for the purpose of 'visiting another country' or 'bringing back souvenirs.'  It is to see all that God wants to accomplish in that place through your team, and yourself in a land where, most likely, the inhabitants have not been given the privileged freedom that we have to hear or experience 'religion' in any ol' way we please or don't please.  I have been so blessed over the years to experience these trips to foreign lands, and it is amazing what God does.  I have memories and stories of ripples in lives changed because he chose to use a little gal from Modesto, California.  He is truly able to do all things ;)
My course, the Chronological Study of Biblical Studies is rare in many ways but one is that the outreach is not required.  It is optional.  My intention right off the bat was not to go- if it's not required, that is money I can put towards my next course...and let's face it... I don't have that money.  I have always known, that if I had the money, I would go.  Of course, I would go.  There is nothing that compares to sharing genuine love and truth with those who are so hurting.  To seeing God accomplish healing and transformation before your eyes.  Don't get me wrong, I know guys that do that every week right down town on 9th Street in Modesto- and it is an absolute battlefield and mission calling.  This week, our leaders started talking about our outreach.  Introducing us to the idea and what we do on an SBS (school of Biblical studies) outreach.  They were saying how historically they have gone to other countries and taught pastors how to study the bible so that they can go back to their villages and study themselves and teach.  They have been to China and locked down for two weeks to teach these warriors, these secret men of God, so they can go back to their underground churches and lead, teach, and sow into lives.  The concept of being a part of that is... beyond what I can type here.  This is it. This is what I'm talking about.  This is what I have left home, my family, my animals, my job, my...life...for.  To build a new one- to learn, grow, and GO.  Ordinary people with an ordinary tool doing extraordinary things!!!
Tonight several of my classmates all got together after working all week to prepare for a fundraiser for a few students in our class that have yet to reach their student fees for this quarter. If they don't get the money by tomorrow afternoon, they have to go home.   I keep thinking, next quarter that could be me.  I don't have all my fees.  The quarter after that I have no money for at all.  It is strange and terribly uncomfortable for someone with a 'work' mentality to be called to something that requires gifts and financial support from others.  It is- painful sometimes.  To speak with those who have done it for umpteen years here, they have wise words and stories of faith.  I know I will get there, but being raised by the parents I have- and rightly so- that you work, its tough.  You earn it.  Even culturally our identities are bound by 'so, what do you do?' and how much we earn.  If we aren't working or producing something we aren't valid.  Well.  Nothing could be more valid than bringing new life to those who have lost all hope.  Nothing could be more valid than schooling to be equipped for such a calling.  Nothing could ever compare to taking the word of God to an underground pastor who has no other way of learning.
I know you are waiting for it... that moment where I tell you how much I need and how much I want YOU to give.  It's not going to happen.  It's just not.  What I will tell you is all I can tell you.
I am committed.
I am committed to doing absolutely everything God calls me to do.  I am committed to stepping out in any uncomfortable way.  I am committed to completing this course, to continuing to struggle and press in.  To going where others don't want to and talking to those others won't.
See, God knows this about me.  He knows I am just full of piss and vinegar enough to do it, too.  I can't do it without Him.  Without  His strength, His guidance, and, of course, His provision.  He knows that if He tells me to jump... I will do it.  He knows that if He shows me a path, I will walk in it.  I might complain a bit, I might hem and haw for a few, but I WILL DO IT.  Oh, the discomfort.  The tears.  The warfare.
But it will  happen.
So, what I AM asking of you... is to pray.  So often we say, 'oh, I'm praying for you!'  But seriously.  PLEASE.  Make an intentional 5 minutes a day to pray for me.  Write it on your fridge, on your mirror, on a post it note at your desk.  Please.  5 minutes is an eternity to sit still and pray for some people.  That is a true sacrifice that I do not take lightly.  Please pray for God to make a way, where there seems to be no way.  To rouse the hearts and minds of all who are called to support me financially.  That they would know clearly that they are to support me.  Their help will weigh in eternity.  Their part in this journey will be priceless. Some are called to Go, and some are not.  Some are called to earn and give.  We are all called, it is just a matter of what that looks like and if we will answer the call.
There will come a day where I am absolutely black and white with an amount that is necessary for this or that.  But right now... I ask you to pray.  To begin to believe with me, that God, who has absolutely without any doubt called me, will show who, how, and when He will accomplish all He has for us.
I ask this most sincerely, with love.


For the sake of my mother, whom I know will lovingly give me crap it I don't  tell you how to support me at this juncture I will say... that you can send a tax deductible gift care of Soul Harvest Worship Center 1545 Bay Meadows Dr. Modesto, Ca 95350 (please do not write my name on the check but include a note) or give thru paypal on their website at http://www.soulharvestwc.org/missions/   This money will go directly from my church to the University of the Nations for school fees.  Any personal gifts can be addressed to me at University of the Nations #273
75-5851 Kuakini Hwy
Kailua Kona, HI 96740

OKAY, MA?!! :) (Actually she is my greatest supporter in spirit and otherwise.)

October 21. How's that for a title?

Tomorrow we jump into the book of Numbers.  We go through a book a week here.  When I say, 'we go through a book a week' I mean, we go through a book a week.  By the time all of our homework is accomplished we have read through it at least four times- or skimmed it again and again- type deal.  Who knew those people who wrote the bible dictionaries would ever be so helpful to me!!! It moves so fast I fear I am not going to really get it.  But then, we'll have a conversation and I will be shocked at what just came out of my mouth...'hey, I retained that!!  Praise God, may I always retain that!'
I think they are just going to keep adding a new task with each book for awhile but right now we are breaking down paragraphs and doing paragraph titles, we do charts of each chapter- observing, interpreting, and finding a timeless truth for each.  Timelines are going to be added as are full vertical charts, which probably means nothing to you, but let me tell you I am NOT looking forward to that~ ooftah.
I had a moment this last week where I was fully into a homework session and I realized...this is my lifestyle now.  Homework.  Everything is geared around it... when can I do it, how long can I do it for, when can I stop?!!  How far will I get in my homework today, will I finish well on time?  I DO NOT want to be cramming it together last minute...ever~ please, Jesus, let me always accomplish it well and plenty early.  Crunchtime makes me anxious.  I hate being late or rushing.  I hate it with a passion.  (Can someone say, 'control issues, boys and girls?!)  It is every bit as intense as I believed it would be.  And every bit as wonderful.
Thank you so much, to those who prayed or supported to help me so far, and please... please... pray and consider helping me in future.  I cannot express all that God is doing and going to prepare me for.  I remember dear Mother Dee Dee praying over me and receiving that 'these hands are going to bring healing to the Nations.'  I knew it was true, as insane and crazy as it was that it was being said of me. What is interesting is that it has already started... Oh, I have to write and tell you about my friend, we'll call him Sven.  But not tonight.  (teaser, there.)  This campus is FULL of the Nations.  There are 6 different nations represented in my dorm room alone. Healing is happening, and I believe in Healing.  I've seen it, I've received it, and I have been blessed to see it happen through me.  His hand is at work.  His mighty mighty hand.
Please comment sometimes when you read, I would so love to hear from you.

Dreams... do I dare?

Saturday my sweetie little roommate asked me in broken English as we sat over the ocean, "Leah, what is your dream?"  I let out an 'ugh' and put my head down.  Coming up I said, "That is a good question."
It's sad when you realize dreaming costs too much and you've shut it down.  With every loss you feel it's one more dream that will never come true.  Wife. Mother. That career.
Sunday morning in my Jesus beach time- I played three songs by Michelle Tumes.  The third one was "Dream."  I am convinced by these two events, one upon the other, that God is wanting me to DREAM again.  It ties so deeply into my lack of trust.  Dreaming scares me.  It sets me up for disappointment.
I think of the Israelite's.   They were oppressed and in bondage for 430 years.  I have been through my own bondage and oppression.  But they didn't step out of that slavery easily or without a fight.  There was death involved.  Then there was more struggle in the desert.  They didn't just step right into the promise land.  It took time and breaking of an old (Egyptian) mindset.  There had to be a time of re-defining their identity.  Of purification and restoration.  A building up while they hoped and dreamed of the promised land.
God is asking me to dream again.
Can there be a promised land without the dream of it?  A Disneyland without the anticipation of Disneyland? Dreaming isn't something you can turn on and turn off.  It's something you have to allow yourself to do.
I know my God and I see what He's doing.  Once He starts something He is faithful to complete it.  So I know He's challenging me to dream again.  I confess it scares the living daylights out of me... but I know Him.  I get it.  It's the challenge to wade out into the water-deep into the water, past where I can touch the bottom or control what happens.  In over my head- trusting- that the direction the water moves will get me to where I am supposed to be.  Securely.  Safely.  With everything paid for, hehe.
What is my dream?
Do I dare- do I even dare to speak them?  They are so hidden.  Only One could know them better than me- and He's challenging me to bring them to the surface for light and life.

Generous.

God is in the business of redeeming.
He is redeeming me.  I remember walking in the park on a break from work last year.  Life had been so, so rough.  I saw a bird swoop down from a tree and watching it... it came down for a worm, not just a worm, a huge plump white worm.  Clearly I heard the Lord speak, "I will be generous."  He cares so much more for us than He does the birds of the air.  I knew in that moment that He wasn't going to just 'take care of me' but that He was telling me, He was going to be... generous.
I can't wrap my head around what the definition of 'generous' is to God...but I know it is BIG.  I know it goes deeper into my soul and brokenness than I can fathom.  I know it means I will eat, and have my needs met.  I know He is an abundant giver.

I knew in coming here that it would be hard.  Nothing about the journey of getting here has been easy- placing my furry children into new homes, simplifying my material things and saying good bye to friends, family, job and my church to move fully into the commission that God has on my life.  I knew that there would be days of weeping for the load of this study and discomfort in the adjustment of living in community.  (I have 5 roommates, wonderful as they may be there are 5 of them...) It's just...not easy.  But I also knew there would be the times of great revelation.  Those moments where in a room of hundreds of people it may as well just be me and God because His presence is so strong and clear.  Tonight was one of those nights.
We had a guest come and perform the whole book of Luke by memory, acting it out as a play.  It was powerful.  Through the course of the evening my spirit was so roused.  We ended in worship and it was sweet.  There were a couple of times an ache rose in me.  It's a familiar ache.  It has come and gone for so many years I couldn't imagine actually fully living without it, but it is something I have done my best to bury.  God was poking at it this evening.  Not really poking, but, rousing.
Something became very clear to me.  "I have no idea what God really wants to do in me."  How much He actually wants to redeem.  Things deeper than I came here to have healed.  I thought a thought that has come to me before, but I wouldn't allow to fully go through my mind because I am a girl who likes a plan.  Stick to the plan.  For the love of michael, DON'T CHANGE THE PLAN.  The plan is all I have.  It's security, it's a direction to walk.  I started this schooling thinking that I was going to start w/ a counseling class.  God changed it, clearly, to this chronological study of the bible.  An intense class to say the least.  The foundation of His word is most important for wherever He leads me.  So, I adjusted.  He provided.  Here I am.  But this thought, that I have never fully allowed is that... He may change the plan.  Again.  He just maaaaay change the plan.  I felt it as I put together my website that listed my courses and fees, I felt it as I sent out my support letters with the same information.  I have felt it in conversation as I confidently state what it is "I am going to do."  mmmm hmmm.  'You think so?'  We make our plans... but GOD orders our steps.  Either this life of mine is His...or it isn't.  So, I am realizing now, I cannot make a plan.  I cannot go forward thinking that I am or am not going to get my degree in biblical counseling.  I can't say WHAT He is going to do.. but tonight, as He poked at something long buried, I knew, that I knew that I knew, that it is JUST like Him, to speak something to me (like biblical counseling) to get me to walk in a certain direction and then in the sweetest love, say, 'Gotcha... now... sweet girl of mine, consider this.'  
I'm not going to say more than this right now.  It is too too much.  But what I do know, is He is going to be generous.  
I am wiping my slate.  I am going to do this course to the best of my ability, but I am not 'making a plan' past that.  The thought of Him redeeming certain things in my life is almost too much to bear. It's too good.  Too much.  But God,  God is in the redeeming business.  And His ways, are just not my ways.
One day at a time, living one moment at a time.

Goooood Morning!

Really struggling with others and my attitude this morning.
Struggling with those who don't respect the rules and constantly loud, crying, playing, screaming children at all hours.
When did I get so old?
I don't want to be cranky, I don't want to have a bad attitude.  I want to be joyful and embrace the good!  I want to be one of those people who is always positive, and I know it's a choice.

Please pray for me.

Let the Learning begin...

Ok, so after the first couple of days of school the focus has been on how to study- as an old gal I am grateful that they are teaching us this!!!
There was a moment in class where he showed us just a little hand drawn chart on the board about how we learn as humans.  As children we learn at a rapid pace.  We've all seen it, children are sponges!  What they learn in the first few years of life is amazing! How to walk, talk, eat, understand, communicate, and of course, ask, 'why?why?why?'  Children are naturally inquisitive and want to know everything, how it works, and Why?!  Until the age of 5 children are growing and learning at at an accelerated rate.  But then at the age of 5 something happens and their learning curve starts to slow and plateau out to a regular rate.  What generally happens at the age of 5?  We start school!  This is when we learn 'sit down, shut up, don't ask  questions, knock that off, settle down, shhh, shhhhhh....'  something roused in my spirit when he said this.  My heart sank- but at the same time I felt a spark of  hope.  I knew, that I knew that this had happened to me.  In more than one avenue of my life with teachers and leaders I had been encouraged to just...stop. So, it's not that I didn't like school, but I never tried to excel. I was actually discouraged by more than one teacher regarding the areas I actually could have excelled in- and something in me just decided to quit.  I did what I had to, but not much more.  I remember clearly being put in an advanced class for Biology that was waaaay above me.  I sincerely decided to give it my very best- took notes, studied, and when I got an F on a test I had invested so much in, I was devastated.  A boy in class attacked me verbally for my grade in the class and I just shriveled inside.
I knew that I wasn't going to college.  My family couldn't afford it and I came from manual laborers.  No one ever spoke to me about scholarships or applying myself.  I actually remember my high school counselor just giving up on me during a conversation regarding college.  I saw it come across her face and thought, 'yeah, well... welcome to the club, lady.'
I became a really hard worker... at work.  It served me well for many years.
But now here I am... at school.  Stepping out in more ways than I have words for, and I know that God is going to meet me here...but I am overwhelmed.  These young people take notes on their computers and whip things out like it's nothing!  I brought my laptop for notes, but I confess I have only ever taken the traditional pen in hand notes, so I am learning on every little level.  It will come.
But back to class... so when the teacher was talking about learning- before he moved on I felt the Spirit so strongly... "Bryan?" I interrupted..."I'm sorry to interrupt but can I just pray for us real quick?"  "Sure!"  He said, "do you want the microphone?"  UM, NO.  Loud, I can be!  so I prayed... Coming against the Spirit of 'sit down and shut up.'  Asking the Holy Spirit to break the agreements that we have made in our minds that we are not good students or that we can't learn well.  Asking God to restore in us all that has been stolen regarding education and learning.  Coming against all of the claims that have been made on us regarding growing in this way and asking Him to  help us, restoring the desire to know 'why?!' the desire to seek answers and ask questions.
We are learning a lot... in and out of the class room.

Day One...

I  have to start w/ a sigh.  What a day getting here was.
I tried to go to sleep the night before by 10p...but I couldn't sleep.  I had my alarm set for 2:30a but couldn't sleep past 2a.  I got up and my friend's husband (who works in San Jose, where I flew out of) picked me up at 4:15a. I always forget that when I travel, my body gets a bit whacked out...stress and such.  So my tummy was 'off' and without thinking, I had thai food for dinner the evening before, so my bowels were off.  Oh, yeah.  Good way to start a trip.
We made good time and were at the airport early for my 7:40am flight.  No worries.  Boarded fine, left on time, good flight, hallelujah.  I was really praying for a good landing because w/ my tummy, if we had a bad landing, I'd be yanked for the rest of the day.  The food on the plane wasn't free, only sodas were free.  Good thing I had brought an apple and some nuts, but by the time we landed, I was hungry!
I was the first person the waiting YWAM people had all day!  That was fun, but there were actually several of us on that plane.
After getting to the base, I have to say, registration was less than wonderful.  I am sure they tried very hard and organized as well as possible for so many new students, but they took our luggage from the airport and didn't tell us where to find it or where it went.  The couple registering for the class in front of me had funky insurance so it took forever for them to register...one of those, 'if I had been here two minutes earlier' things, I would have registered first...but...trying NOT to be cranky and tired from not eating, I sat quietly and tried to be patient...NOT one of my strong suits.  Finally, I got registered, found my luggage and a kid in great shape helped me to my room.  I say 'great shape' because we are on the side of an inactive volcano mountain.  Everything on this campus is at an incline... oh, yes...the Lord will have me get in shape yet! ha!
It was so much hotter than I expected.  I never have minded humidity... but 83 degrees at home is certainly not 83 degrees here... oh my gosh, it felt like 95.  Plus, the humidity made my bangs curly... my bangs!!  Like, it is THAT humid!!!  Dry side of the island, my foot!  So now after the week it took me to put my dreads in, I am seriously thinking I will take the whole weekend to take them out... hope I can get to a Walmart for some conditioner and other products.
I have, in one day, experienced that feeling of, 'oh, crud, so much of what I brought was wrong.'  you just don't know until you know... I can't see wearing jeans here.  Granted, I haven't gone thru a January evening yet, but, it's sticky, like Japan... I just don't see it.  I also brought cotton shorts, like, casual work out shorts, not quite sweats, but thick cotton.  Oh, no.  No.    And my brand new sleeping bag is not polyester inside, it is a soft material...so... it's warm.  Hahahahahahah.  Oh, my.  ALL OF THIS WILL BE FINE...it's just that stuff you can't possibly know... oye.
So we finally get some lunch...kim chee and korean bbq chicken, omgosh, the chicken was so good and I praised God for the protein!!!  Until they hit my unsettled bowels about an hour later while I was walking around checking out the campus.  Where are the bathrooms?!!  Can I make it to my room waaaaay over there?  "Oh, Lord, please.... pleeeeeaaase."
I met a few of my room mates and had dinner and a walk w/ two of them.  I can already tell I am in love  with Sumalee.  She is from Thailand.  The cool thing is she is 51!  So much for being the oldest one here!!  There are families and people of all ages here...age is no factor.  I was so excited because until late last night...I was the only white chick in my dorm room. The other white chick is from Switzerland... so technically, I think she is whiter than me! ;)  Last night at dinner, I was the only white person at our table.  I had a moment.  It's so stinkin' cool.  There are over 150 Korean students starting a bi-lingual DTS (disciple training school) this quarter, so it is overwhelming.
Sleeping was...okay... I thought I would sleep like a rock...but the campus was crazy w/ registration (right below our window) until late, and without exaggeration, screaming, laughing, clapping, you name it.  I was trying to go to sleep at 7p, 10p our time, but my ear plugs...didn't help.  My bunk is also smack in the middle of the room, no, really.  So, lights, talking, you name it... I felt it.
But God is goood!  And things will settle down!  I have a beautiful view and am looking forward to finding my own quiet spot.
Thank you for my 'adjustment' prayers... I need them!!
Please pray for my body to adjust, for my heart and attitude... and for my dreads to come out easily ;)
I appreciate it so so so much... xo

Home; and being Ready.

I'm actually WAY too tired to be writing an entry right now, but daggnabbit, if I don't, I'm not sure when I will...  I am so pooped!  Packing up what feels like a bit too many clothes for the next 9 months and fitting more into one day than is probably healthy... preparing, preparing, preparing.
As you may or may not know, the IRS and I have been at fisticuffs (how do you spell fisticuffs?) for the last... well... for years now.  I was taken severe advantage of and am now paying the price on more levels than is appropriate, but that enemy... he comes to steal, kill, and destroy, and boy has he had a lot of practice.  He's pretty good at it.  But not good enough to take what isn't his... my hope.  My trust.  My knowledge that he is actually the loser and I, by ordinance, am the winner.  Halla!!!  Now if I could only convince the IRS... anyhoo... I had a couple of claims for justice to be served and they have officially denied me.  I truly hoped this would all be cleared up and resolved before I left for school, but now, on top of the intensive course I am getting ready to step into I have to continue a battle with enemies greater than myself in the spiritual and physical realm.  Good times.  If you haven't caught on yet... I hate to be the one to inform you that we absolutely live in a world at War.  There is no retreat.  We must arm ourselves.  (John Eldredge, Waking the Dead)
I am sitting in the room I grew up in.  The room I came home to as a baby and left when I was 18.  The room I hid chewed up bubble gum on the inside wall of the closet at age 5, when I wasn't supposed to have it.  This is where I played w/ my barbies and had sleep overs. Here is where I have done most of my wondering and primping.  These walls have witnessed my madness, my sadness, and everything in between.  I have come 'home' after each traumatic event in my life, and after rejuvenation, headed out into the world for the next round.
I left at 18, and came home at 22.  I left at 24, and came home at 30.  I left at 33 and came home at 40. Don't think that didn't hurt.  How grateful I am for this home.  For the Mother who has allowed me to return, whether she lived here or not...my Brother who has allowed me to return, we always did make great roommates.  My only earthly possessions packed up in the garage, simplified, and condensed.
Looking at my 'pack stack' and things yet to do, I am ready.  Ready for the dorm, ready to share a bathroom with strangers that will soon be family.  I'm ready for hours of homework and reports, sunsets and quiet time.  I'm ready.  I'm tired...but I'm ready.  Remind me I said that in a few months ;)  

Nathan

So every morning as I drove to work I would see this guy walking.  Every day.  I rarely miss a day at work, so when I say everyday, I mean I saw this guy every day.
He had his case and his quick pace.  He was on a mission to somewhere and he was consistent in getting there.  I admire this guy.  I don't know a lick about him but anyone who walks to where they need to go and does it everyday without fail is someone who is driven.  I don't know if he is headed to work or headed to school.  It's somewhere that he is accomplishing something because it's early in the day and he has a case.
One day I decided to honk and wave.  He didn't see me or notice that I was honking at him.  It became this thing where I was determined to wave at this guy.  Finally he started looking up at the honk and must have thought I was flirting or a whack job because I started honking and waving everyday.  What can I say, I admired his commitment.
I decided to pull over one day and introduce myself.  I thought I might as well explain why I was waving, and I wanted to encourage him in his pursuit.  He said his name was Nathan, and he didn't tell me where he was walking to, but he seemed to be okay with the fact that I was waving.  He had on this groovy classic star wars shirt.  He has a bit of funky style to him, no wonder I dig him.
So months passed and I waved.  Some mornings I felt silly, wondering if he was getting tired of it and just waving to be polite, or what... but it was fun.
This last Friday was my last day of work and driving the same direction.  I prayed that God would make a way, timing wise, for me to be able to pull over and say good-bye to Nathan.  I didn't want him to think I just disappeared, like he'd care, haha.  But you know, wonder, 'what happened to that chick, anyway?'  Well God is good.  I saw him walking, as always, and coming up to a street.  I knew I could pull over and catch him.  I explained briefly, not wanting to make either of us late, that I was moving and wouldn't be driving this way anymore.  'God bless you, man, as you keep walking to wherever you're going...'  He STILL did not tell me where he was going! ha... but he did say such sweet touching words to me... he said that 'he would miss me' and that it had 'been a pleasure.'  Awww.  Thank God, cuz I felt really goofy sometimes.  But, I admired his motivation, and wanted to encourage him, even if it was just a wave.
The thing is, Nathan helped and blessed me.  Every morning, I knew if I didn't leave my house by 8 minutes after or so, I wouldn't see Nathan and miss the wave.  He helped me get to work on time.  I watched for him every time I turned onto Staniford and would be glad when I saw him come into view.  Things can't be falling apart if Nathan is still walking to his destination in the morning.    Those 5 seconds... spotting him, timing the honk, and the wave...made each morning a tad bit nicer.
It's the little things in life, it really is.  I don't know Nathan, I know hardly ANYTHING about him (but he does like star wars!)  He blessed me, and I trust I blessed him.
I am glad to have met you, Nathan... where ever you are headed!

Saying Good-Bye to Bethany

I am so pooped.
Countdown is on... I am training my replacement at work and can't believe I am so close to being done as an employee of Bethany Christian Services.  What an amazing 6 years it has been.  I cannot even express all God has done for me through my years with Bethany.
When I got the job as Administrative Assistant, I wasn't even looking for a job.  My cousin, Julie, told me they were hiring and that I was the first person to POP into her mind.  "Awww, that is so sweet, but no thank you."  I was doing outreach with Modesto YWAM at the time a couple days a week and available to friends and family in my community- who ever had a need.  Cleaning house once a week for a friend who'd just had a baby, driving my grandma to appointments as she needed, and I was content.  Six weeks after Julie had mentioned Bethany to me, I found a brochure in my house for their maternity home.  'What is this?' I thought, and realized, 'this is that place Julie was talking about... Lord, how did this get here? What is this about?'  I prayed, and knew I was supposed to call.  When I did, the office manager, Joyce, answered.  I explained that Julie was my cousin and had told me they needed someone.  I asked her "what exactly are you looking for?" and she said,"Ooooh, I don't know."  "Oh, good," I replied, "because don't know that I want it."  After a sequence of events that were absolutely undeniable, God walked me right into a position with Bethany.  He knew, what I could not possibly know, and that is how hard the next several years would be and  how completely Bethany would be the answer to prayers I had not yet prayed.
Bethany Christian Services is a full service adoption agency in Modesto, Ca.  They serve ladies in unplanned pregnancies as well as couples who struggle with infertility and are seeking to expand their families through adoption.  Amazing, amazing ministry.  Through Bethany I learned I had infertility issues.  I had never heard the definition of infertility before (having unprotected sex for a year or more not resulting in a live birth) and the conversations I heard adoptive mothers having was me...their experiences and miscarriages...I had those stories.  I just didn't realize, I couldn't have biological children.  The grief process and all that I learned was comforted by the ladies God had chosen to be my co-workers.  Counselors!  who completely understood my grief and just listened as I processed and grew.  Material at my fingertips to read and information at every turn.  Abundant Giver He is.
Bethany offered us insurance when we could find and afford none.
God sustained us through a regular paycheck from Bethany for the years my ex-husband could not find permanent work.  Bethany offered me a safe haven and gave me a heart for the orphans, ladies who so selflessly place their children into their forever families, and the couples whose long struggle with infertility and loss ends in family.  Oh, what I have learned.  The miracles I have seen and been honored to pray for.  But ultimately, the friends.  The friends I have been given.  My co-workers, maaaaaan.
I love my co-workers, my sisters, with an unspeakable love.  They have sheltered me, loved me, supported me, sacrificed for me, and even provided for me in what was the absolute hardest season of my life.  They watched as my health crashed, and pointed me to the right doctor's to help.  They watched my sanity wain and prayed for the Spirit to sustain me.  They encouraged me as our finances completely crumbled and gave of their own earnings. Can you say devastation and IRS, boys and girls?  And ultimately, they didn't judge me, when my marriage was broken beyond what I could bare and walked through a divorce.
They let me in to their own woes and struggles.  I watched them lose their parents, send their kids off to college, have their own health struggles, and marriage business.  I love these women.  They are my sisters.  They are gifted and beautiful ALL.
Now as I walk into my last week of 'work' with them, I just don't know how to say good-bye.  I absolutely know that I will be in the snot bubble weeping this week.  I cry even now, writing the words and seeing their faces in my mind.  Such sweet gifts the Lord gives.  But say good-bye I must, as I step out into the second half of this life of mine, and claim it for all it is worth to the Glory of God and His Kingdom.  Dust off the dust of death that ensnared me and run, not walk, towards the only One who IS life.  He has become my life, and I will know pleasing Him if it kills me.  I know I am pleasing to Him, but I want to polish it up a bit and really shine.  I want those moments that will never be recorded in books, but will cause ripple effects in eternity.  I surrender all.
So, I say good-bye.

Here we go...

Here we go, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls...
Hold on to your seats and let's see where this thing leads.  Please keep your hands and arms inside the blog at all times until we come to a complete stop.  I appreciate you coming along for the ride.

Leah